To wonder if maternity leave will always feel like a struggle?

[theruffles]

My LO came 3 weeks early a fortnight ago and so my maternity leave started earlier than I had been expecting. The first week was a bit of a whirlwind of discovering how to look after a newborn, people visiting and the emotions that come after you've given birth. I had a C-section as LO was breech and that's meant I'm having to take things much slower than I'm used to, which I'm finding quite frustrating.

I know I'm only 2 weeks into my maternity leave but I'm finding it quite a struggle so far and wondering if it'll get easier. The days feel as if they have been blurring into one sat in front of the TV watching nonsense. We have been out a few days, which has helped but I don't know what to do to try and feel a bit more like myself again. I think work was such a big part of my life and now I don't have my job to fill my days and provide some structure and satisfaction I'm struggling to know what to do.

My DH is very supportive and we have a lot of help at hand from family and friends if we asked for it. I don't want to come across as ungrateful - we tried for our LO for two years and went through fertility treatment to get pregnant. I love her to pieces.

Leaving work to have a baby is a bit like falling off a cliff! You will also still be hormonal and in shock from the birth. Be kind to yourself. Take a day at a time. Try to plan your days. Yes, it should get easier but if it doesn’t please ask for help! Sending love, it’s a really tough time and nobody thinks they should admit that! Xx

It will get easier, definitely, but maybe not right away. It’s a huge change to your life, so take it easy on yourself. It takes a while to adjust. Congratulations and good luck!

Of course! The early weeks are so hard and such a blur, and you’re stuck indoors recovering. It will absolutely get better!

It's hard, and weird. In fact it's probably always going to be a bit weird for the whole 9 months or however long you take.

My advice to you is get out! At every opportunity that you can, stuff with the baby in the day, but also stuff just for you in the evening if care/feeding allows.

I met some wonderful people during my maternity leave who are still friends 7 years on, we all embraced that it was a slightly twilight zone sort of time, but once you accept that, it can be fab!

I found it hard at first, the lack of routine, missing my friends etc but it does get better as you finds different routine. We did something most days to fill the time and I discovered several new hobbies.

It will get easier, definitely, but maybe not right away. It’s a huge change to your life, so take it easy on yourself. It takes a while to adjust. Congratulations and good luck!

Small babies can be very portable so I would maybe think of it as a time to go and visit all the places you wanted to in your neck of the woods, but never got round to. And if you like routine then build yourself one - yes, tiny babies don’t need a routine but mothers sometimes do!

Yes it will.... and then you have to go back to work!

I have worked since I was 16 (now early 30) so going on mat leave and being in charge of another human being was a shock to the system. The first few weeks are a whirlwind but it will settle down.

As person above said. Take one day at a time and plan things even if it's just a gentle walk to the shop.

My lo is now 11 months but I still have days where we stay in and don't do much.

The first few months are a little dull, feed, sleep, change, repeat... but when they start getting active and interacting more the days become more exciting and you can't wait to see what they do next.

But do talk to the midwives and health visitors. They are there to help and support no matter what the question or issue

It will get better. Try and leave the house every time. Maybe just go for a walk?

You're 3 weeks in, give yourself a break!

Like PPs say, get out as much as physically possible. Speak to other parents and go out with them too.

It does get better (I enjoyed going back to work!)

Do you have an NCT (or similar) group for socialising? They were my lifeline after my first pregnancy. I’m currently navigating mat leave 2 and it’s not been so easy - finding it very tough.

It does get better but keeping busy is key.

It will get easier, I felt exactly the same. My DS is now 14 weeks and I'm loving my time off

OP, the newborn stage is massively overrated and relentlessly dull. You feel like someone has put you under house arrest. I definitely wondered where my life had gone. But it does get easier, week by week. I'd echo previous posters who said try to get out as much as possible and then to classes with your little one when she's a bit older. You'll meet other people to share the 'this is all a bit rubbish' tales with. But do talk to your MW and HV about how you're feeling - they'll have heard it all before!

You don't sound ungrateful but it's a hard adhjustment - I had a CS, struggled to breastfeed, DS was a non-sleeper until we sleep trained properly at 12 months. The first year was very hard, especially those first few months.

Don't be too hard on yourself and don't put any pressure on yourself. It's hard to let other people do things for you - I wasn't very good at it - but I wish I had.

I could have written this. From what you have written we share a similar experience.
When my DS arrived early, Ion mat leave and it was a huge shock to my system. I was expecting at least a couple of weeks to myself before hand. It just didn't work out the way I thought it would.
I felt cheated out of that time but I eventually got over it.
Life a with a newborn was a huge change and I couldn't have prepared myself enough for it. I spent a long time worrying about things and couldn't relax.
Role on to 4 months later. My DS is a joy. We have our moments but I cope so much better with everything. We've introduced a routine and he now sleeps in his own room in his crib and wakes up once a night for a feed (this is very recent. Believe me, I am still counting my blessings that it's happening.)
I'm sure you will get lots of helpful, useful advice and all I can add is, I was were you are fairly recently and it gets easier. You will cope and learn the needs of your child. You'll get some time to yourself every now and then and you'll ditch Netflix and the box sets soon :)
Take care of you and your little one. You are doing a fantastic job.

Oh it WILL get easier, I can't emphasise that enough. You are likely still in shock & hugely hormonal - even if you dont feel like you are, you end up looking back on your shell shocked self months later and it clicks into place how zombie like you felt. Parenthood is a real rollercoaster but the fact you recognise how you're feeling and have that self awareness is so good!
Even if you have just one thing on your to do list each day, that can help ease the monotony a little and getting out is certainly key.
Congratulations OP!

@Merryoldgoat - me too! Finding mat leave 2 very tough, especially without my NCT buddies. Here's hoping it gets better this time too!

I could have written your post 4 years ago when I was first off with DS1. It's a huge life change and it takes a lot of getting used to.

I'm now off again with DS2 (he's 8 weeks old) and I'm loving it.

Think of this as your time. As well as baby bonding, a chance to do the stuff you've wanted to do but never got the time. Films you want to see, exhibitions you want to go to. Take advantage of the baby being small and portable, it will change as they get older. It's early days for you know but it gets easier and easier.

Once you're fit to do so, get out of the house everyday. Baby groups/activities, shopping, walks, lunch/coffee out, catch up with friends when they're around. Is there a baby cinema near you? I loved that, but it's only practical before baby is mobile, so take advantage.

You need to find your own shape/structure to your days, but once you do it's brilliant.

Oh so totally normal to feel like this.

Def try to get out more. Can you join some baby classes? Look on Facebook for local activities. Try things like baby sensory classes or massage, buggy fit, breast feeding groups, swimming etc. I try to have one structured activity per day max and then maybe a cup of tea with other mums you meet so I'm out of the house. But it's also important for baby to have some chill time at home in this heat. I try to have one day of no visits or activities.

Nothing will replace work but being isolated at home with gaga daytime tv is really miserable.

I'm off on mat leave with a 7 week old and felt just like this for quite a while. I also had a csection and I found not being able to do much and not being able to drive really hard, the first month or so was very boring and difficult. Now 7 weeks in its much better, I can drive again so getting out and about more, starting baby classes once he's had his immunisations so that will help, and just making sure I make lots of plans with friends, even just for a coffee or something during the day. Just focus on recovering for now, it'll get better before you know it!

I found it really really dull. My biggest piece of advice would be to get out as much as you can now while the baby is still portable. It gets harder when they want to walk, don't want to sit in a high chair.

In an ideal world I would have gone back to work and taken mat leave once they turned one and were actually interesting.

@StepAwayFromGoogle

How far in are you? It’s just so different this time. The heat hasn’t helped as the baby is restless and I’ve got to be careful as he’s so pale.

I find the inability to get ANYTHING done quite depressing. I’ve looked for local groups but there’s not much local and I need to stay reasonably local for school pick up for my older child. Less of an issue now of course.

@Merryoldgoat - I'm 12 weeks in now. DD2 has been a difficult baby though. Was feeding constantly throughout the day, barely sleeping in the day, unsettled, wouldn't be put down, would only sleep on me, screamed in her car seat and pram... We've had a maternity nurse in to help with the issues and DD2 is now a much happier baby but still not great at sleeping. We're now on this stupid Gina Ford routine with no flexibility that makes looking after my 3 year old really hard so it seems like we've replaced one issue with another. I've found the whole thing really stressful. I had post natal depression with DD1 and it's reoccurred with DD2 despite my best efforts. So all in all a pretty shitty time. And, yes, the heat has made everything 10 times worse.

I've booked onto some classes from Autumn term when DD2 will be about 5 months so fingers crossed. And as soon as the maternity nurse is gone I'll be tweaking the routine to fit with our lifestyle.

How far in are you? Do you have family and friends around?

It WILL get easier.

You started your mat leave early.
Your DBaby arrived early.
You had no time to adjust to being off work before DBaby arrived.
You may not have had time to say your goodbyes at work (I'm guessing).

So all of those put together are enough to knock you for six, especially if it wasn't planned that way. Quite apart from recovering from major surgery and having a newborn in the house, and dealing with the lack of sleep that a newborn brings.

The first few weeks (I'm not going to put a number on those) are a blur. But get some fresh air and a walk if you can most days - as much as you feel capable of (bearing in mind the surgery recovery). And just work on minding yourself and your newborn now.

Ask your DH to keep the show on the road in terms of feeding you and minding the house. And any others around who can help - can they hang out laundry, or make a lunch/dinner to drop in, or make you some tea and keep you company while you feed the baby (however you feed it).

As you get more into a routine (whatever works for YOU - not something from a book I mean), and you can see gaps between feeds and changes and all things purely baby-focused, you can start to do things like making proper lunch again for you, and getting things organized for dinner, and doing a load of laundry.

As babies get a bit bigger, they take longer naps, and while they still need lots of care - you can get times to just play with them, and also to put them down while you get on with stuff.

I used to wait until after breakfast and DH was gone to work, and after DD's next feed, before making our bed every day - I could pop DD propped up between the pillows and make a game of flapping the sheets and giving her tickles, while making the bed. OK it took 20 minutes instead of 2 when heading out to work - but it was fun time too.

And I had DD sitting up in her high chair, and I would talk away to her, beside the work top while I did kitchen things (cleaning or meal prep etc).

And you can start to get out to groups or classes nearby, or just meet up with a friend/family member for a coffee in a coffee shop. Not just sitting at home all day.

The newborn days are exhausting, even when you are "prepared" for them.

So give yourself a break, you are doing great, and it will start to slow down and take shape in the next little while - just give everything time to settle, make sure that both you and the baby eat and sleep enough, and then start to work on the other stuff, one step at a time.

Tbh the early days are a relentless routine of feeding, changing, broken nights ... and you’re not getting much back in terms of interaction. Of course you love them unconditionally, they’re your world- but it’s perfectly normal to miss parts of your ‘old’ life.

As PP have said, get out, do stuff that you want to do. This is your time in that respect. Provided your baby is fed, changed and comfortable, s/he won’t know or care where you are! I wouldn’t bother with baby classes or groups - as I say, your baby is far too little for needing that sort of interaction- so go to galleries, exhibitions, long country walks... the kind of stuff that realistically won’t be as easy once the child gets bigger.

It will get better, once the baby starts smiling, being more responsive and begins to differentiate between night and day. At the moment it’s all a bit of a blur.

And if you want, you always have the option of returning to work a bit earlier... you don’t have to take extended ML, you may find it suits you better to have a bit less than a year off.