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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you had a mother who was sometimes great and sometimes simply rejected you, how do you get over it?

20 replies

confusedandtiredofitall · 22/07/2018 19:41

I'm struggling with this.

Went very low contact because I need to protect myself after another rejection, but feel guilty because of remembering the good times - most of these when I was a child and teen. At the time they were so lovely and fun and genuine love was there (I think) but adult me is realising that they were at least partly a Disney Mum kind of thing. I never lived with her, another relative brought me up, my mum married someone and had kids and they lived together without me.

Several times, they told me they were moving to be near me, didn't happen. Then they moved further away. There was no bed for me in their house, so I did visit them in holidays and enjoyed it, but was never really my home, slept on a sofa or floor of sibling's room. They had a spare room for their computer. She never put me on the family health insurance plan, which I felt funny about, as I have been disabled since childhood and problems with my health, meaning I've spent a fair amount of time in hospital.

Twice, once as a child and once as an adult, when I received scary and life-changing health news, and was crying and in shock, she started to cry and just walked away and left. The second time because I was an adult she pushed some money at me before going.

My stepfather never adopted me or anything, and it was just taken for granted that I'd be ok with no dad. Stepfather once said he really loved my mum and siblings, and that he "really liked" me.

But lots and lots of fun and good chats about shared interests, ie both mum and me very interested in music so common ground. She helped me prepare for all my music exams and very supportive through university.

Other things were also very helpful, I dealt with anxiety and depression as a young adult and she spent a few hours every week talking to me on the phone. Sent me ideas for therapies and ways of treating depression.

I really, really loved her - but in so much pain because I think I might not really love her in the same way anymore feel very guilty and sad but it feels like something I need to let go of.

This is a self indulgent rant and I'm actually fine, not having a breakdown or anything, but when I think of it get so confused and fed up.

But yeah the first time I've even admitted to myself that I don't know if I feel the same love for her anymore.

OP posts:

Cismyass · 22/07/2018 20:22

No advice but

Ivorbig1 · 22/07/2018 20:28

You get used to it. You can not change her, you can change you. What can you do to emotionally protect yourself??

Ivorbig1 · 22/07/2018 20:30

It’s not self indulgent, it’s natural to question her behavior, it’s hurtful to say the least.

Original poster

confusedandtiredofitall · 22/07/2018 20:32

I have changed though, I think that is part of it. Before I changed I'd have insisted I loved her and always would. But don't feel that's strictly true anymore.

I protect myself by being very low contact. So I'm ok.

Still makes me sad though?

OP posts:

MissusGeneHunt · 22/07/2018 20:37

I'm sad even now about a similar situation many many years on. I guess you learn to deal with it, and every day gets better. I find it easier to try and forgive than be bitter (not saying you're bitter, but you know what I mean). Be as strong as you can be, learn from others' mistakes, and be happy for being you. I feel for you, I really do, but it will get easier.

NewYearNewMe18 · 22/07/2018 20:39

Was she very young when she had you, hence being brought up by another relative?

Original poster

confusedandtiredofitall · 22/07/2018 20:41

Yeah she was only 18.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedandtiredofitall · 22/07/2018 20:43

@MissusGeneHunt I am sorry you have a similar situation. It really does hurt doesn't it? Even when at the same time, you know you're lucky in other ways, ie I'm busy living my own life as well as I can.

OP posts:

GailTheGoldfish · 22/07/2018 20:43

It’s not self indulgent to feel like you do at all. Children need stability and consistency and sadly it seems she didn’t (or wasn’t able to) give that to you. It’s no wonder you feel sad. I don’t know the back story but I felt I wanted to say that you did deserve a proper parental love but didn’t get it from her, and if there isn’t an attachment between a parent and child it does leave a hole. It seems you are now processing it with a different perspective. Would you consider some kind of talking therapy to help you? Hugs xx

Sickenedbyguilt · 22/07/2018 20:46

I myself have a daughter who lives with her dad. I see her a couple of times a week. I have 2 other children who do live with me. My daughter writing something like this in years to come terrifies me. I hope that you can get over this and move forward

MissusGeneHunt · 22/07/2018 20:48

@confusedandtiredofitall... Yes you're right, you have to think of the good stuff. The past can't be changed. It sounds like you're doing a damn fine job, be proud of yourself!

Original poster

confusedandtiredofitall · 22/07/2018 20:49

I've actually started doing some psychotherapy! She has told me that I keep my sadness locked very tightly down inside myself, and I do. At the same time, I'm pretty good at acknowledging when I'm sad, so don't think I'm too cut off from my emotions if you get me? I cry by myself, when I need to. I cry with my therapist too. And with my partner if I really need to. Not that I'm always crying lol! But sometimes.

But I don't know what to do with the sadness itself. I asked my therapist how should I resolve it, and she said she wasn't sure it's something to be resolved as such.

But I'd like it to be less painful whenever I do think of it or when it does pop up for me.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 22/07/2018 21:31

I think there comes a stage in our lives when the blinkers fall off and we see our parents as they really are. As children we need to keep an idealised picture as the reality is too painful. You have suffered a lot of rejection from your dm. She left you behind and there is extreme pain in that. If you are only accessing that pain now it will be tough to go through but its been there all along. But as the pain is released you hopefully will grow to accept her and her failings.
You deserved better from your dm. Its normal to be hurt and as said that bond was never formed..possibly. Keep going with the counselling and remember its not your fault. You were a child.

Original poster

confusedandtiredofitall · 22/07/2018 21:53

I thought I'd done a lot of working through my feelings around her already though. I thought it was more or less done.

You often read on here of people going NC or low contact and feeling immensely relieved. I haven't felt that way. I guess maybe, because for all our relationship is less than ideal, I don't think she's a narcissist or ever meant to hurt me in any way?

The hurt I was left with was just collateral damage. It still hurts though, even though it wasn't deliberate.

I think she would like it if I was happy, she just doesn't really want a relationship with me. Being LC is good for her as well as me needing it. This is the best choice for us both.

OP posts:

Original poster

confusedandtiredofitall · 22/07/2018 21:55

Psychotherapy is limited to 8 as it's with BHS. I might ask if I could pay privately to continue after we have finished but I don't want her to think I am being inappropriate as maybe it's not allowed.

OP posts:

Andromeida59 · 23/07/2018 00:30

I had to go NC with my "mother". She was all round abusive yet would always draw the attention back to her. One thing that truly helped was calling her by her given name and not "mum" etc. This helped me to detach myself from her and it protected me.

Do what feels right for you OP. It is hard but you need to look after you .

Tomatoesrock · 23/07/2018 00:44

Maybe you had unconditional love for her, your shared interests and a life of waiting on her to move near you, welcome you, When there is hope. Now you see she could have made these things happen, she is to blame for your sadness and she shouldn't get a free pass for your love.

You are moving on. I think psychotherapy opens up a world of questions, We have to acknowledge our inner child sometimes, deal with pain and see parents as human and some are shit, work on your own feelings and slowly you will move on. I am sorry you have been through this

Pengggwn · 23/07/2018 06:28

Honestly, the not having a bedroom thing is just awful, let alone the rest of it. You'd be quite justified in reducing or cutting contact. What a way to treat your child.

Original poster

confusedandtiredofitall · 23/07/2018 13:25

Thanks, everybody. Coming back to my thread with fresh eyes. Feeling less sad today. Perhaps that's part of healing from painful relationships with parents - that sometimes you just have to accept sadness is part of your life?

I worry about the sadness taking over! I worry about becoming depressed again. But to be fair I don't really feel that will happen, it just frightens me when I'm in the thick of it.

OP posts:

CSIblonde · 23/07/2018 17:26

She wasn't fully there for you OP and that's devastating. Shared interests and the odd bit of support when you were down aren't mothering. It's OK to be angry or sad about that. It's great you are getting help to process it. My mother was very emotionally abusive, her idea of mothering was feed me, clothe me, job done. No nurture, no affection, and guidance etc. Barely veiled contempt tbh. We are NC now after she called me a millstone round her neck after my father passed when I was 19.(I was supposed to disappear so she could move on with her boyfriend). You sound lovely. It's her loss.

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