to think my dad is abusive

[weuilfhwie]

I've always had a difficult relationship with my dad, and since I've moved away I've had minimal contact with him.

My mum has never had a job - she was a SAHM to five kids after having her first child at 19. She developed mental health issues, mainly agrophobia, OCD and anxiety, which meant it was hard for her to go anywhere further than the local shop. I don't think she will ever be able to handle a job now, she's nearly 50 and can't even go on the train to the next town. Even if she could, she has no work experience so she's been completely dependent on my father.

My dad came from a well of family, who bailed him out at every turn. They paid for his house, got him a stable and decent job, and left him with a lot of money when they died.

Now here's the problem - my dad has no mortgage, no car to pay for (his work pays for it), and spends his cash on around six holidays a year....while giving his wife only £120 a month. They don't have a joint account, and while he buys the food, he spends £50 a week on groceries which has to cover him, my mum, two children who are still at home studying, and pet food for three cats. This means my mum has to top up a lot during the week (as he only buys food once a week) with the £120 for the month. She also has to pay for the TV licence out of this. She doesn't get child benefit anymore which used to help, now she only gets the cash from him.

AIBU to think my dad is a complete dick? He will go out with friends and spend £40 on a meal for himself, and as I said, six holidays a year as well as day trips.

If my mum asks him for something he will usually say no unless it's absolutely vital and she will have to ask him A LOT. He never buys her 'treats', apart from the occasional £1 chocolate bar. She has to wait for Christmas and birthday to receive vouchers to buy new clothes.

I think my dad resents having been the sole earner in the household, but the way I see it, he had his part to play in her having a child so young, and it was her who had to give up her life. I'm really ashamed of him. Is this a normal way for a man to behave, do they all become resentful?

Does your mum go on the 6 holidays with him?

@Seasawride No she doesn't. She can't go anywhere due to her agrophobia.

Your mother must be so stressed out - he sounds vile and selfish. How do you know all this, has she complained?

I used to live there and it was similar then. Now, she and my siblings tell me.

Has she seen her GP or anyone about the MH issues? Nearly 50 is not old. There's still plenty of time for her to try to overcome those issues and maybe get a job somewhere for a few hours a week, or whatever she can manage, so she can have some of her own income?

It just doesn't sound like a relationship that's healthy between the two of them, rather than just your dad to me. He works and pays for everything for the whole family so I'd maybe give him some credit. If she doesn't go out what does she want extra money for? The MH issues sound pretty severe and I hope she gets some help.

Yes, Neat why isn't the mum happy having ZERO money to spend each month

How much disposable income do you have each month? What's the financial set up with your DP?

OP, this is clearly financial abuse. Does your mum ever express a wish to leave him?

I would say that her mental health issues are contributed to by having to live with a selfish dickhead. She should see her GP as a first step. I don't think he deserves praise having been set up by wealthy parents.

@Shumpalumpa I earn my own money and pay for childcare. I'm not having a dig; I don't understand why a man takes care of his family for all these years as the sole earner, while having a wife who suffers from MH issues and he's the bad guy is all? Must be so stressful for him. Maybe he is abusive I don't know but the OP doesn't suggest it to me. She wants more spending money and he says no a lot (not all the time it seems). Is that mean? Yep maybe if he has plenty but it's not abusive. Particular after decades of taking care of everyone.

He sounds awful.

Sounds like an abusive situation to me and your mums mental health issues are probably as a result of this abuse. She needs to get some help and to realise that her life doesnt need to be like this. I wonder who your father goes on all his holidays with?

Sounds like financial abuse to me. Not so much the £120, although that sounds very low. But more the needing to beg for stuff repeatedly when he swans off on holiday.

Neat have you actually read the OP? His parents bought him a house outright, he has a car he fully owns, he has a well paying job that he got through nepotism and he gets away with spending very little money on his family.

I assume OP was a SAHM and did the housework, so she made her contribution in this equally valuable way. He wouldn't have been able to work if OP wasn't there to take care of the children. This means his earnings are family money, not his money.

How much do you think is left for the mum out of the £120pm once she's paid the TV License, topped up food spend and spent money on teenage DC? I'm guessing fuck all.

I would advise OP to urge her mother to go for a divorce and go for half of the house, half his pension and half the savings.

neatfreak perhaps you missed out the bit where the father goes on 6 holidays a year and spends the family income on himself? ?
Yes OP your father is textbook financially abusive from your information here. Your mother is showing signs of MH difficulties perhaps not unrelated to living with years of this abuse ?
Good luck

Can’t your mum apply for esa or Pip won her mental health conditions she may well me eligible, I know that doesn’t Alecia the situation she’s in with your dad being IMO abusive it will give her a little more freedom

Neat, If you think this relationship setup is a fair one, you set your bar really low.

@Shumpalumpa I did for sure, he got some breaks but he has spent decades working right? You've made assumptions there about her contributions but let's say you're right then definitely they need to have equality in the relationship. It's just my view that what's described isn't awful and he must (they all must) have had a hard time with MH and one earner. Look it's my view, I totally get others might differ. I just think it's not black and white.

Taking care of everyone?

Who the fuck took care of FIVE fucking kids?

Answer, not the abusive knobhead.

Neat you are speaking from the privileged position of controlling your own finances.

When's the last time you had to rely on a man to get you a £1 bar of chocolate? I haven't had to do that since I was 15 years old and my dad gave me pocket money. It must be humiliating to experience that as an adult. No wonder this woman has MH issues.

Out of interest, how much do you have left at the end of each month to save or spend after all bills/rent paid?