AIBU to be annoyed at ex and exMIL

[Thelonewolf]

We had 2 DS, 7 and 3! Mil would have DS1 for 2 days a week when he started nursery school and my mum 2 days a week. Unfortunately my mum is unable to do to ill health since DS2 was born.

DS2 is starting nursery in September, as far I am aware she will be collecting them twice a week from school (DS2 nursery attached to DS1 school)
Ex has announced DS2 is to be packed off to childcare whilst DS1 stays with his mother during holidays. I’ve already expressed that I’m unhappy with this arrangement as DS2 gets distressed - they’ve already been doing this despite my objections.
AIBU to say that she has both or neither. And he pay for the extra days that we need to book DS1 into childcare for.

Yes yabu to insist she has both dc. Maybe she can't cope with both.

I dont think you can insist on anything during his time. Unsurprising exMIL can look after one dgc not two.

In fact just had this with my 65yo MIL for 2-3 days in summer hol. She has opted to look after school aged ds only even though younger ds would love to visit her. Its just too much to ask. Am not pushing it. Younger ds is harder to entertain and more responsibility than older ds.

If you want both dc to go to childminder or nursery and he only wants one dc to be in paid childcare then you cant insist he pays more.

YABU. She's doing you a favour, you can't insist she do more. And if you decide that she can't have either, you can't insist that he paid more for childcare for the child his mother is able to look after. I suspect you're saying both of neither to pressure her into accepting both, which really isn't fair.

"Packed off to childcare" is very emotive language
Lots of dc are looked after by Childminders and Nurseries and love going there. It is what happens for families where their parents work.

Oh, YABU.
If your ex MiL is kind enough to be able to help you out collecting one dc from school, then you say thank you. If she doesn't feel she has the energy to have the little one, then you look back and think how lucky you are that you got free childcare with dc1, rather than moaning you can't have it repeated with dc2.

Having read that, I'd agree that he needs to pay for the extra childcare costs, or at least towards them!

I don't see why the extra cost of the childcare is solely down to your husband just because his mother won't have both your children. Thank your lucky stars you have some unpaid childcare.

The cost of the childcare should be a joint responsibility.

By law, his days, his decison I suppose, but I wouldn’t be happy either. I’d want them to stay together especially if the younger one is getting distressed.
We split childcare 50:50 though.

What you each do with the DC in your time with them is up to you. You can’t insist on anything when they’re with your ex and arrangements with his mum are up to him.

I'm inclined to agree with you OP. If mil can't core with both then keep both together and in childcare and split the costs.
I don't think it's fair to send one off to childcare while the other gets to go home with nanny!
I wouldn't allow my kids to be treated differently regardless of the reasoning behind it!

Well, I'm a MIL aged 66 with 2 dgc age'd 5 and 2. I am in relatively good health but I've said I can happily have the 5 yo but not both. You don't understand how exhausting it is when you get a bit older. - I can be playing Lego or power rangers with Dgs but in the meantime dgd is feeling neglected and wrecking the place! She's flooded their downstairs bathroom twice! If I let her play with the Lego as well, she wrecks the game and dgs is upset. Me and the other grandmother tend to have one each (if she's available).

How old is MIL? Not that it matters just curious.

Apologies, OP. I hadn't noticed this was your ex we talking about. His days, his expense.

Hé does’t pay penny towards childcare bill. Never has, I‘ve been paying all of it which I’ve found crippling financially.
My days I’ve booked time off so it’s only on his days. DS2 is booked in childcare and I have paid/ will pay for it.
BackForGood- Not all children love going, especially if they see their brother left behind at getting to stay at nanny’s!
DS2 had been very distressed during previous school holidays, asking to go to Nanny’s house with his brother, very crying and clingy when I dropped him off. He is one of the children that doesn’t love going unless his brother is with him. His well-being is my priority - if she is unable to cope with both then in all fairness she shouldn’t have either them at all. I want my children to be treated equally.
I’m not demanding she has them all week it’s one day and I hate to see my little one get so distraught, I thinks it’s because of how I felt from being put in crèches occasionally - I absolutely hated it and would get so upset they had to call my parents to come and get me! I still remember how I felt 30odd years later - it stays with you!

I need to clarify both DCs have been in childcare since I went back to work with each. When DS1 started pré-school / nursery attached to a school MIL she would pick up DS1 and have him 2 pms per week until I started MAT leave the following Feb.

So he is putting your DS2 into nursery against your wishes and you are expected to pay for that? I think ywnbu to expect a contribution from him to cover it.

Yes because I don’t want them to be separated.

Could you afford a nanny or childminder instead so both DC are together, as you're paying for all childcare already? Sorry, I know you said it's financially crippling already.

If you have the DC extra days make ex pay increased maintenance.

It didn’t bother me when he was younger but now DS2 is older he understands what is happening !

Then tell him you will no longer be paying for childcare when he has the dc. That’s ridiculous! It’s his bill to pay, not yours.