To not force my kids to wear trainers

[Ifeelreallylow]

My ex husband is not a pleasant person. He was very abusive and controlling during our marriage and is now being the same way using email contact about the kids.

His latest demand is that the children only wear trainers wen they see him. I said I would not force them to do this. Dd (6) doesn't really wear her trainers. She doesn't much like them and prefers her sandals (these are the karrimor type, flexible Velcro adjustable ones).
He then accused me of being unreasonable and uncooperative and endangering the children by refusing to facilitate that they have saw footwear for going to the park in.

I ended up emailing saying I wouldn't be replying anymore as his emails are nasty and aggressive and accusatory.

So my question is, AIBU?
Should I just tell the kids they have no choice and they must wear their trainers whenever they see him because he says so?

Surely the solution is to send their trainers with them and he can have the argument with them about what to wear to the park?

Sometimes trainers will be the most suitable footwear. But it’s a battle for the parent they are with at that point to have. Send them with them and leave it at that

No, you are not being unreasonable at all.

However, you could take the wind out of his sails by:

1. Sending them to him with the trainers in a bag, so he has to deal with the getting them to wear them battle.

1. Suggesting he buys them some trainers to keep at his house/in his car ready for when they are needed.

If he was actually worried about their feet rather than wanting a stick to beat you with, wouldn't he just buy trainers from Tesco or something?

YANBU, so long us they have decent shoes on their feet that fit and are practical for the weather then I don’t see what the problem is. If he wants them to wear trainers at his then he should buy them some to keep for use at his house. Let him deal with your DD only wanting to wear her sandals.

I would send the trainers let him put them on her this shouldn't be a power struggle between you two

If he really thought the park is that dangerous he'd either buy cheap trainers or not take them.

YANBU. I like HeddaGarbled's suggestions.

Tell him to buy trainers for them and keep them at his house.

Sorry meant to say yanbu he is being an arsehole

He should get them some trainers and keep them with him for this sort of day out.

My eldest DS has to do just this because his step-daughter's mum (who he's no longer with) insists on sending her DD out with inappropriate footwear because 'it looks pretty'.

Or the useless fuck could just sort it out himself to ensure they have appropriate shoes on whilst with him.

Send the trainers in a bag.

Don't tell the kids anything! It's up to him to shoe them when they're with him. Tell him to keep the trainers at his if they never wear them at yours.

I know it's hard but just try to keep the emotions away and if he requests something like this just reply with. "she isn't keen on trainers, but I have no objection if you want to buy some for when she is with you"

I can see his point of wanting his kids to wear trainers if they are doing something active/outdoors. I don't see why you should have to enforce it though.
My dd used to want to wear flip flops all the time. She'd trip up on them, they'd get stuck under things or they fell off when she was running and she hurt herself. I had a battle every time we were all going out for a hike or a bike ride...even after she'd hurt herself.
Send them in a bag/or get him to buy some to keep at his.

Thanks.

I've refused to send them because the likelihood is they won't come back. Or the sandals won't come back.
But I did say he could buy them some to keep at his if he wants to enforce this.
He said that is unreasonable to expect him to buy trainers for an hour at the park EOW.

He said that is unreasonable to expect him to buy trainers for an hour at the park EOW

Well it is unreasonable for you as a parent to buy gym shoes for the kids to wear at school for similar amount of time but you do it so they aren't excluded.

Simply tell him to buy them from a supermarket like Tescos or Asda and keep them at his house then repeat this like a broken record to anything he says.

Don’t send trainers, this isn’t about the children having trainers, this is about control, if you send them he gets his way- you doing as he wants. He is welcome to purchase trainers for them to wear at his house. End of.

Thanks.

Because everything I ever say/respond/suggest is met with disdain and contempt and I'm told I'm unreasonable if I don't agree to everything, I get a bit lost in what is or is not unreasonable.

He could buy trainers for them at his place and it's not your issue

I agree it's a control thing and he's being a knob!

Trainers are not the be all and end all and if he was that bothered he'd buy some to keep at his own house. Yes, an hour EOW isn't a huge amount of time but if he was that bothered he could get some from FB or supermarket ones, they don't need to cost a lot.

He should be buying them the trainers regardless of how often he see's them.

I’d buy cheap ones and say he can keep them at his. He’s unreasonable and it will soon seep onto the kids.

I've seen a lot of nice kids trainers in excellent/almost new condition on local Facebook sales and wants pages for far less than the cheap supermarket ones. Spending £3 or £4 to shut him up(this time) might be worth it