ILs and PFB - WWYD

[crispysausagerolls]

Has anyone had an IL they were NC with come crawling out of the woodwork when PFB (also PFGC) arrives, as if nothing has happened and expecting to see them? How have you handled this? Would rather not go into lashings of detail because 1) it’s lengthy and boring for the reader and 2) very specific and outing. The gist is that IL is an evil psycho and is now pretending nothing has happened and they want to see baby. Despite not having seen or contacted their own son (DH) in a year. Not sure what to do when faced with this level of crazy/denial/pretence.

Block and ignore. You’re obviously not going to want them near your child.

Sat here it's easy to say tell them "No!" over sand over...

But as I also have a DF who is probably about to start with the emotional blackmail again, I know how difficult that can be.

I hope I will be strong enough to say no, simply, repeatedly. I hope you can find your way to do the same!

No direct experience but we’re NC with DH parents and I’m pregnant and hell will freeze over before either of them comes within miles of any of us. They can’t behave with decency towards us so no innocent baby is getting near them. Last time we saw them MIL attacked me so we don’t have anything to do with them.

What does your DH think?

While family is great when it adds to your life positively, few or no grandparents are better than toxic ones. I don’t want anyone who’s abusive to my husband or me near my baby so it won’t ever happen. We’re very close to my family so they won’t be without relatives but even if I didn’t have any his still wouldn’t be our family as there’s no relationship at all.

It’s tough, sorry you’re there as well

What does your DH think?

He says he will ignore or wait and see what the follow up contact will be (we have been told there will be more contact next week) and respond saying we need to resolve things before visits or otherwise are discussed. The issue is that I would really rather hell freeze over before letting this person anywhere near my baby!!! As you say Anne ! But also it’s DH’s decision as it’s his parent, and I don’t want to sway him and then be blamed for the decision down the line. I just don’t think amends can be made after everything this person has said and done.

What would their possible involvement bring to yours and your baby’s life? If you feel stressed about it now and it hasn’t even happened yet then it probably won’t be anything good.

It’s horrible for your DH, he deserves parents who love him and treat him well, but has life been easier and happier since you went NC? Does he spend less time feeling attacked or hurt or compromised?

The change in my husband since he drew a line has been incredible. He’s finally free of the toxic cloud that was hovering over him. He feels better about himself and happier in himself and about everything in our lives.

They are horrible awful people and it took him years to untangle how dysfunctional the family dynamic was but we’re out the other side now and a happy wonderful thing like having a baby doesn’t deserve to be tarnished by the involvement of people who don’t have your best interests at heart, who’ve hurt you and make you unhappy and fearful.

We may never hear from PIL again but part of me is expecting some sort of reaction when they find out I’m pregnant and if we do, whatever it is, we’ll just ignore it and keep ourselves and our little family unit safe, happy and healthy.

I had an awful grandparent who made my mother’s life hell and I wish she’d had the courage to walk away and protect us from the crap affecting another generation so I’m very clear in my mind about only having relationships with people who love in a healthy productive way.

Have you read toxic in laws? It’s a great book that you might find helpful.

I had similar but it wasn't a psycho parent. I had been estranged from my father for around 15 years.

Initially, we met on neutral ground and kept it civil. it was fine for a while but then went belly up again. We reconnected a few years on. It's an odd relationship - it's like visiting a distant relative as there's no emotional connection.

It's not a damaging relationship so we all potter along with it but there's no love lost.

AnneLovesGilbert

I am so sorry that you have been through something similar - it’s awful, isn’t it? I think our situations sound the same; our lives have also been much better/easier since the toxic person has been removed. That’s also the reason I am loathe to open the doors again, even just responding to a text means there will be a response, and if it’s not what the person wants to hear, the response will be deeply unpleasant and it will just create a whole heap of nastiness I don’t need in my life, or DH in his.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, and I hope they stay away!!! I have bought toxic in laws but now struggling to find time
to read it - I will though.

It sounds as if DH has emerged from the FOG and all (!) he needs is your support; he's already shown that he's not enmeshed enough to capitulate. He is being clear that there are issues to resolve before any contact can be resumed.
My late mother (I only learned all this when older) went NC with her bully of a father after he had made GM's a misery; she only made the effort while her mother was still alive and she tried to support her. Sadly I never knew her, as by all accounts she was lovely. The announcement of his death at a family gathering when I was a (much) older child was a casual comment in passing; I don't think any of his children even went to his funeral. His loss - he missed out on 4 lovely GC. My Mum made the decision, "the pattern stops here" and stuck to it, and ensured that I had plenty of other lovely family in my life.
In the end, as it's his parents, it's his decision, but it sounds as if he appreciates your support.

If you are NC how do they know you are pregnant? Because I'd be asking any mutual relatives no to discuss you with the ILs

NewYearNewMe18

DH was in touch with his siblings, who refused to keep it to themselves. He’s not anymore as they are just puppets of the IL in question and completely brainwashed. But it’s a bit like 6 degrees of separation - the IL would’ve found out anyway from someone. They only heard about the birth 2 weeks after it happened (not sure how but they did).

twosheds

Your mother sounds like a very strong woman! I am proud of DH for his resolve and hope that it continues as I am sure it’s the best thing for him and his happiness