Self loathing

[Overthinker12345]

Probably not AIBU so sorry in advance, also sorry for boring the tits off anyone who miraculously gets to the end of my bullshit. I feel pretty shit and I don’t know how to unlock the cage I’m stuck in thanks to my own mind.

Unfortunately (a few years ago I never thought I’d say this because I loved it there) I’m pretty unhappy in my job. I’ve been there for 12 years and I’m at the point where I’ve done everything, I’m burnt out, I’m bored. The place is getting bigger and bigger, I’ve gone from working for a smallish company where you’re friends with lots of people to a big company where you feel like more of a statistic than a person. I used to look forward to staff events and I’d be the last one standing whereas now I’m older (37) I don’t even bother going because they’re mostly 25 and under and although they are a nice bunch I just can’t be arsed with it. It’s very cliquey. Also for complex reasons in my personal life that I don’t want to put on here I may be forced to leave anyway at some point, so I feel that pressure tapping me on the shoulder.

The problem is this - I have absolutely no confidence whatsoever. The thought of working somewhere new absolutely terrifies me, new people, new systems, new customers. Also I’ve always worked in the property field (administrator/secretarial) and whilst I’m happy to stay in it there might only be jobs in other fields, what if I’m shit at it?! I have visions of myself getting a job (if I can even get through the interview without hyperventilating) that I’m totally incompetent at, that leaves me getting the sack and ending up on the dole. To clarify I’m told that I’m very good at my job. I’ve (TOUCH WOOD) never made any massive mistakes, I always hit my deadlines, people often come to me for help etc. I am actually not that good at my job as far as I’m concerned. If I was I would be more rational, confident and calm. Someone once told me I’d be a good office manager - would I fuck people! I could just see it now, as soon as anything went wrong I’d be a nervous, shaking wreck. Managers can’t hide behind someone! I go home most days, especially on a Friday or if I’m off on holiday, with a knot in my stomach. Did I pass all the messages on? Did I send that contract to the right address? Did so and so realise how much of a twat I am on the phone earlier? Did I trip over my words too much? I panic, I worry, I scrutinise and overthink everything I do and beat myself up for days on end if I make the smallest of mistakes because I want to be perfect. I break my own heart. If you knew me, you’d think I was confident. Fuck knows why people think I am, I don’t try to pretend although I obviously paper a smile and a joke over a shit load of anxiety and self loathing. In my first job the boss made my life a living hell. He was a bully, a snob, a misogynist and he humiliated me in-front of other people regularly. I put up with it for years because I assumed he was right, I was stupid and it’s normal to feel sick with stress going into work, just like it was in primary school with a couple of bad teachers who today I would still love to slap the shit out of. When I started working at this place in 2005 the company bosses were decent, some of them were even nice people. I was treated with respect, told I was good, I literally couldn’t believe it and thought right I've found my blanket I’m staying here for life!

I quite like the thought of winning a couple of hundred grand, buying a house and only unlocking the door to leave when I want to being a PA for a busy businessman, being his ‘work Mum’ if you like, having him rely on me and having a little office where I can have everything organised the way I want to and where I can focus in peace rather than being in a loud, open plan office putting up with every cunt interrupting me or chewing on their fucking Doritos (misophonia - google it).

I’ve got no children, I’m happily divorced so I should be making the most of going as far as I can but I hate so many things about myself from the sound of my horrible, nasal voice to my hair not being shiny enough. I constantly measure myself against people who have the things I’ll probably never achieve. If I could inject myself with the positivity I need I would spend my life savings on it.

I’ll never feel good enough or know where I belong in the world. It just feels like everyone else has it down and I’m just floating along thinking “fuck knows” and hoping I won’t fall between the cracks.

Anyway - if you’re still awake and reading this utterly depressing wank pour yourself a well earned drink.

Thanks for listening x

I know exactly what you mean...I always think I try too hard in social situations, then go home and go over and over the things I did and said ...and imagine what an idiot everyone probably thinks I am.

Wish I was different

I have been where you are, I am a people pleaser and when that appreciation doesn't come back it leaves me feeling anxious that I have done something wrong. But from reading your post, you sound articulate and smart. It feels like you have outgrown your job tbh. I think it's time you concentrated on you, not others and really worked for something you want, not what others want. You are in your prime, do not waste it, trying to please. You need to please yourself. Could you work in a different sector? Maybe something that feels more worthwhile, maybe for an animal or kids charity? I know interviews make you nervous, but my mum always told me that you don't have to do anything you don't want to, so book that interview in, you've nothing to lose, and even if you're rubbish at interview...you will be no worse off than you are now...that helped me anyway. Failing that, could you try to view your job as just a means of getting nice things in life? Just do what is required and nothing more, putting your energy into life/hobbies/relationships outside of work. This will be very hard for you, as you can't leave work behind, but others manage and tend to be happier. i think everyone goes through this stage in life and I don't think it's a negative stage as such, I think it gives you the opportunity to re-evaluate and re-adjust.

Would you consider talking to someone professionally about how you're feeling? It might help you to understand your feelings and get to a better place where you feel more confident about yourself and your abilities? It sounds like you are actually good at your job, but overly anxious? Perhaps talking to the right person could get things onto a better track.

Your future self will thank you :)

Good luck x

I work for a local animal charity and it’s lovely. Most of the staff are a bit “odd” so I feel like I fit right in and I therefore don’t question my actions as much. As far as I can tell from the other charity workers I’ve met over the years, it seems to be a sector that attracts the more “unusual” type of person so you might feel more comfortable in that environment OP.

Thank you all of you xx

Agree about the charity sector. It attracts nice people. It sounds like you have anxiety. I do too. My GP put me on citalopram and I took it for a year. I've had to come off it now as I'm TTC but I miss the feeling of being more carefree. It really worked for me and I will be going back on it when I can.