Name changed for this and apologies, it’s a long one!
My DD (22) left home last year and moved into a private rent flat closer to her work.
Around the same time she started seeing someone new, a local lad aged 20.
Within a few weeks it got to the point where she was annoyed with him because he’d lost his job and taken to spending all day every day at her flat, even while she went out to work. He’d ‘stay over’ most nights, say in the morning that he’d go home ‘later’ but still be sat in the flat, watching her TV, drinking her tea and eating her food when she got home from work.
(He lives with his foster mum who has fostered him since he was a baby)
Money soon became a problem because she doesn’t earn much and he wasn’t earning at all, he also refused to apply for job seekers allowance because ‘he’d get a job soon anyway’
So an argument started because she told him to go home to his mum’s and that she couldn’t afford to pay for them both anymore. They weren’t going out due to having no money and a life like this is not what she wanted.
He grabbed her arm and shouted in her face that he was looking for work and it wasn’t his fault she was ‘so fucking stupid and boring’ and implied that it was her fault that they weren’t going out and having fun anymore. This, literally less than 2 months after she started seeing him!
She ‘went to the shop’ and phoned me to tell me. My DP went round to her flat and this lad made threats ‘I’ll smash your head in’ (to my DP) ‘smash the flat up’ ‘burn the flat down’ etc.
Anyway, DP eventually got him to collect anything of his and drove him to his mums, told him to stay away or the police will be called.
Had a few conversations with my DD since, along the lines of how lucky she was to have realised what he was like and got rid of him when she did. Me telling her how proud I was that she’d stood up to him, albeit with her stepdad’s help. Especially as her father and I split up due to DV when she was 9, she remembers and hates her father as a result.
They split up at the end of January.
She phoned me one day last week and announced that she’s 18 weeks pregnant, and that the baby is his!
She’s been lying to us all this time about not seeing him because she ‘knew we wouldn’t be happy’ but she hopes that we can get to a point where we can forget about what happened and move on because there is going to be a baby now.
She came out with all this stuff about how he acted like he did because it’s very demoralising to be out of work and how his upbringing wasn’t the best due to him being fostered, his ‘real’ family are awful and he’s ‘a bit messed up’ because of that.
But he’s got a job now, is seeing a counsellor (I don’t believe that bit for some reason)
What am I supposed to do now? This is my first grandchild. She wants us to all get along for the sake of the baby. They’re moving in together soon and they’re going to ba a ‘happy little family’ she says.
I thought I’d raised a strong, independent young lady who wouldn’t ever get involved with someone like him, but here we are
AIBU?
To think I’ve raised her wrong and want to shake her so hard?!
Raisedherwrong · 21/07/2018 13:17
Its hideous. I was in a similar situation. He wasn't violent that I know of towards her, but was a cocklodger of the first water. She got pregnant by stupidity accident and within days of her telling me, he had locked her out of her flat and she was leaving him and having a termination.
Two and a bit years down the line, he walked out on her 48 hours before they were making a big move to get a better lifestyle. DD is better off without him, but still engages in his fuckwittery too much. My DGD has come on in leaps and bounds since he vanished off the scene, but there was nothing I could say while she was still with him, as that made me the bad person.
You did not raise her wrongly. She has just had her head turned. I'm afraid that all you can do is keep communication open and be prepared to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart, as it will. I hope and pray that DV does not raise its ugly head. 
@Bananalanacake she insists he’s working but is very vague on the details, so I’m guessing not.
@nocoolnamesleft the dv ramping up in pregnancy has me very worried. If she’s lied to us all this time, would she lie if he hit her?
I was very careful not to sound against this in any way when she told me, just acted surprised but happy about the baby and asked questions about him, feigning interest rather than distrust. I’m so worried for her, and now for the baby too.
@arranfan yes, sadly I do talk about history repeating! I honestly thought she wouldn’t ever get with someone like him.
There’s still a room here for her if she ever needed it and I’ve made sure to remind her of that.
@RJnomore1 Thank you, I hope that your daughter does grow out of it. This is fucking horrendous
As a pp said, DV can happen to anyone. These bastards are charm itself when it suits them, as you know from your own experience. Once they've got their hooks in you (and pregnancy is a definite hook, I'd lay money this was no accident) it becomes incredibly difficult to see things clearly. This isn't really about how you raised her. It's about how she was unlucky enough to encounter an abusive man.
As others have said, this is a very risky situation, and you need to try and keep the lines of communication open. The main reason for this is actually your grandchild. Your daughter is now a grown woman, and is making her own choices, no matter how unwise those choices may be. Your grandchild is totally vulnerable, and has no option but to be born into a violent relationship.
At the first sign of trouble, you are going to have to have the courage to phone social services about the risk to your grandchild.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.