To not fancy my partner?

[dayzee16]

I am having a dilemma.. it's become VERY clear to me I just do not find my partner attractive. He is a good person. Genuine, funny, kind & loving. We have been together for around 4 years.

If I am being honest I have never been physically attracted to him, but I fell for his charm. I am now at the stage where I am getting a lot of attention from others and I am struggling to ignore it. My partner doesn't seem to take much pride in his looks and to me it just seems a bit like he doesn't WANT to impress me. I make an effort to look good and be the person he wants to be seen with and it makes me feel good too. I feel he isn't returning this. I know it's very selfish and shallow of me but I can't shake the feeling I could be with someone who I am attracted to. It is becoming increasingly hard to have sex with him because of this.

Our relationship is on thin ice at the moment as it is due to some other issues, and this is just not helping.

Please I would like some advice and opinions. I feel really horrible that I'm thinking this. Has anyone else been in the same position? Thank you.

Thanks for the replies.

So the general consensus is looks come before personality then? Or at least initially, before dating and getting to know the person? And here's me feeling like a bad person for falling for someone because of their charm and personality. If I went solely on looks then it wouldn't be fair not giving genuinely nice guys a chance.

I think now because there are other relationship problems this is standing out more to me than it has before. As our connection fades there is very little left to hold onto

No you've got that arse about tit. Personality comes before looks. Are you being deliberately obtuse op?

It's over, end it. There is nothing good about staying in a dead relationship.

I fancied my boyfriend when I first met him, but I probably find him more attractive now because I know him better (if that makes sense?!). He's a gorgeous person inside and out - get the sick buckets out .

Looks can't be the biggest problem in your relationship surely?! Looks fade over time!

Are you serious OP? Have you never been in a relationship where you are sexually attracted to your partner? The physical attraction usually comes first and is not just based on looks. The attraction is for a person as a whole. If you are not attracted to your partner what's the point, you are basically just two mates living together.

If I went solely on looks then it wouldn't be fair not giving genuinely nice guys a chance.

What's being fair got to do with choosing a partner? Choose someone you're attracted to.

What relationship problems are you having? A few people here are calling him 'poor guy' etc, wiuld be good to know why things are going badly.

Regardless, time to end it before you get entagled with kids.

Yes I am being serious.

And no, I have had 2 serious relationships and none of them I have been physically attracted to in the first instance.

The other flings I have had, I've gone for really good looking blokes and they haven't worked out. Maybe that is what's put me off going for really attractive ones is I haven't had good experiences with them and fear that.

Maybe you're gay, old friend of mine went out with a string of handsome, funny, clever dudes and got nothing out of it. She's been civil partnered for 23 years now .

shumpa - we envisage different futures regarding marriage and babies and it's causing a lot of stress and conflict just now. I feel he is accepting what future I want even though it's not what he wants. I feel we are both just plodding along neither feeling particularly happy or unhappy.

As a PP said, I do feel it's more like flatmates now.

I am not attracted to any females, so being gay isn't the reason here.

There are plenty blokes I really fancy and give me that buzz I am missing. I have been with a few in the past, and even though it didn't work out I was still very attracted to them.

dayzee, he sounds very passive. Don't mistake passivity for love or respect, you will get extremely weary of it.

It sounds like you need to make the decision to split because he does not have the strenght to do it or is happy plodding on.

It sounds like you're in your 20s or 30s, don't waste your years on him out of a misplaced sense of pity.

My god OP. I think you need to read back what you wrote and think about what that sounds like because it’s clear that you’re both incompatible. Yes, personality is vital and should be number one but being attracted to your partner and actually fancying them is vital too otherwise honestly, you’ve found a friend not a partner. This plus the fact that you disagree about fundamental things like marriage and babies seems like it’s not going to work. Do you actually love him? If you’re truly honest with yourself what do you actually want?

You need both. Personality and appearance. Some people will be able to look over one of those more than the other - finding someone funny and kind might mean more to them that having someone who is in excellent shape - but in those cases, the personality will make them attractive. The attraction is still there.

If you don't find him attractive, that hasn't happened here. And for most people, just personality or just looks wouldn't be enough. You have to find the person who you like on both counts.

There's nothing altruistic about dating men you aren't attracted to because they are nice people and someone should give them a try.

Looks and personality aren't two distinct and hermetically sealed things you can separate out. They are part of a total package. One on its own without the other is rarely wholly fulfilling.

Also sexual attraction isn't just about looks, its about chemistry. Looks is a part of that but it needs other parts of the package to set it off, so to speak.

It sounds to me as if you've been burned before by some chancers who have been good looking in a very conventional way, and you've decided that you need to avoid these types and have therefore gone for people who you like but don't fancy as they feel safer to you.

Which isn't going to work. Physically attraction isn't the be all and end all but if you don't fancy someone they are basically just a friend.

It sounds like it might be worth having some counselling around this idea you seem to have that you put people in "fanciable" versus "nice" boxes. The two aren't mutually exclusive. You need to reclaim a sense that its OK and necessary to fancy people, just to make sure they aren't complete arseholes.

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Perfectly said. Not a word of this is wrong OP.

usernamefromhell - thank you for some great advice. Your third paragraph is spot on regarding my past situations! To me, the best looking guys are usually the arseholes. So you are correct in saying I put them in 2 different categories.. I'd love to find one that ticks both. But as everyone says, looks don't last forever and I think that's my reasoning why I've went and 'settled' for nice men instead of fanciable.

username thanks !! I can really relate to what you are saying it kind of makes things clearer for me.

rocky it's nice to see I am not the only one that can feel this way

Personally think that its about attraction anymore once ya been together a long time.

Should say not about attraction anymore

This isn’t about looks vs personality it is about your compatibility and if you are feeling this way then it does not sound like you are compatible.
My husband as just come in form working in the garden, has sat down in his boxers all sweaty his belly out, downed a drink and belched. I looked at him in disgust and he then made a joke and gave me a little wink and after eight years I still swoon and melted a bit inside. That is what true attraction is.

OP I can totally understand your wanting to stay away from flash, good looking charmers: it sounds sensible given your past experience. But you don't need to seek out people who find an active turnoff. There will be people who float your boat without being conventionally beautiful and they will be the people who make you laugh, who have shared life experiences etc.

Sounds like counselling would help and also learning to be a bit more in touch with who you actually fancy as opposed to who looks good on paper.

So the general consensus is looks come before personality then

No... physical attraction isn't just looks. A lot of it is based on how chemically compatible we are (different genetic make up is an evolutionary advantage for breeding). Do you find his natural smell attractive?

Studies have found women are attracted to different things at different times in their cycle. Around ovulation many women lean towards men with high testosterone (more 'masculine' features like a strong jaw, more dominant personalities, bigger muscles etc). Which explains to some extent why 'bad boys' so attractive! Men with symmetrical faces are also rated as more attractive, as it implies good health and genetics.

I think many women are still attracted to strong, fit, dominant, bold men, which would have been an advantage in hunter gatherer societies when they had to hunt down prey and guard the tribe and compete with other males for mating rights. Not so useful nowadays but nature can take time to catch up!

Can you pinpoint what turns you off about your partner? If it's just familiarity or boredom it seems a shame to throw away a good relationship. If you feel absolutely no attraction or find his body/looks/smell repulsive I'd cut your losses and find someone you're more attracted to.

End it OP.

Physical attraction has to be there because without it there can’t be a genuinely good physical side to the marriage. He can be the greatest person or fool on earth but if you don’t fancy him now, it won’t just happen one day. I settled. I have kids. Don’t do it.

Attraction is definitely not about looks. One personal example I can give is an actor I fancied the pants off so assumed I fancied the actor, seen him in another role didn’t feel the same wow attraction. Realised it wasn’t him on his own I was attracted to it was the whole character of the person he was playing so it wasn’t all looks alone.
I’ve met men that have talked themselves good looking as well. I still fancy dh as much as I did when we first got together even when we have an argument I can look at him and think damn he’s hot.