To change my DS’ last name?

[MeAgain91]

It’s a long one!

I don’t actually want to change it as such it’s only ever been this way and that’s fine but I separated from his dad when DS was 1 and he’s now nearly 11. I’m currently doing his passport and I just want my last name in it as well as his dads. Just as a middle name almost, it doesn’t have to be mentioned in any way otherwise, he won’t have to tell people it’s both or write it on his books but for what it’s worth I want to have the same name as me too if we leave the country. I don’t share a name with my DS2 and DH (not married yet but DH for all intents and purposes) and I’m disabled. I keep thinking even with his birth certificate if something happens to me abroad what’s stopping my DH from being a total stranger to DS?
I have mentioned it before just wanting to share my name so that me, DH, DS and DS2 could all have my name (wanted it on DS2 birth certificate and DH wants to take my name too) but DS Dad won’t allow it. As the person who has actually raised him for a decade this really grates on me actually I think it’s incredibly selfish to affect all of us. It doesn’t affect him at all! He just likes to use it because he can. His reason is that “I want him to be a lastname. I have said a thousand times he will still be a lastname just on this paper he will be a lastname lastname. He sees him of a weekend but I do all the actual parenting. DS actually asked me to give him my last name a few years ago but I wanted him to wait a few years to be sure. I asked his dad earlier this year and so he’s changed DS mind about it.
Does this make sense? I’m aware I could sound spoiled but it’s hard to put so many years of background into this.

You would need permission from him to change the name

Hi yes I know that’s the reason for the discussions and this post. And because I actually have to respect him as DS Dad wether he deserves it or not.

I had exactly the same as this with my DS. My ex made life so difficult so DS and I gave up trying to explain it to him. I told DS he can change it to whatever he likes when he is old enough.

I would say that, at 11, decision has to be your son's.

Unfortunately he's in a position where he's probably not going to want to disappoint either parent, so will feel stuck in the middle over this issue. Personally I would drop it although others might disagree.

When I was a child I was in a similar position and remember how upset and anxious I became about it, not wanting to upset anybody. Not saying that is definitely how he feels, but imo it's not worth the risk.

He could change it himself at age 16

I definitely understand where your coming from about how DS feels about things. I would never let on to him about any of it in regards to how it makes me feel but I’m sure that his dad would have said to him that it would make him sad. My boy is a beautifully caring and generous soul and I believe that’s why he changed his mind so suddenly and only after I mentioned it to his dad. It’s unfair, kids don’t need that pressure.

I’ve explained to his dad that he can change it to bloody Princess Consuela at 16 if he wants to but for now I feel safer with it and although I do want him to be included with the last names that is his choice of course. It’s not like I’m trying to change his name to DH or something! I said when we were expecting DS that I wanted him to have my name and even though he was entirely disinterested in the pregnancy he still said I wasn’t allowed to have my name in it. I so wish I hadn’t let him decide all of DS names.

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