Bday plans gone awry

[Yookytooky]

DH's milestone bday. I had planned a weekend away in large country house with intimate group of 20 people who are close and important to DH. Cost was high, close to a European week away for 4 but I knew this would be the best present for DH that I could get for him. All booked months ago. Small donation given by each guest but drop in the ocean for actual cost plus I offered to cover all meals and activities apart from big bday dinner where we would all split the bill.

Fast forward to now, huge events have rocked the group (possibility that timing soon before this big bday was deliberate). All v sad and hope it can sorted in long term but there is no way to reconcile everyone and repair relationships before trip. We are largely in neutral position but no question we can go ahead with everyone. Am thinking that having the memory of a fragmented group will only be a negative thing for DH and therefore the worst birthday present he could have. We are supporting the members of group affected and helping them sort things but it's v messy. DH knows something was planned for bday with this group but no idea I was paying it all and no idea of full details. I'm tempted to offer money back to everyone and just go with DH and DC, AIBU? No question of getting a refund so I have to pay full cost even if no-one goes.

The drama affecting members of the group is known. It is up to them how they decide to behave come that weekend. If certain parties do not want to attend they have forfitted a refund. Go ahead anyway. Nothing has changed between daily life and birthday weekend so it is not like a huge surprise. It seems sad that the actions of a few jeopardise the enjoyment of many. Pull up those big girl pants and rise above it.

Well what are your friends saying about it? The onus is on them to a certain extent to say whether they're coming or not - doyou know how many are planning to?

Ultimately though if you think only a few coming will depress things, just call it off and refund money to your friends, and enjoy time with your immediate family.

I am obviously dying to know what's happened...

Go ahead anyway and dont assume your bloke is made of such delicate stuff he won't be able to cope with people missing. I know when we plan stuff for other people we get set on perfection but shit happens.

The people who don't go don't get a refund though, you're not incharge of their feelings.

Unlike everyone else, I’d probably cancel and just have your family going. I’m not usually this woolly, but I’d go with your gut instinct? What do you think?

Also, not sure what you mean by deliberately because your dh’s big birthday is coming up... Is it something like an affair which had to come out before all parties ended up staying on one big house?

I think big group holidays can so easily go to shit. If people aren’t getting along beforehand, I immediately think AVOID, AVOID, AVOID.

Can you find out who intends to come ?
What have they said ?

*in one big house

Similar thing happened to me on my 50th. I was paying for all of it and no chance of a refund so went ahead with huge misgivings.
It wasn't terrible but it wasn't great either. I was so relieved when it was over and I'll never organise anything like that again.

Thanks for all the comments everyone. Unfortunately this is pretty serious stuff, it's a mix of family and friends who are just like family, as a result of this, there has been one person suffer a ministroke due to the stress, they are ok thankfully, at least one marriage is over and various other things in the mix including being disinherited, physical threats between otherwise completely civil people, sadly lots of negative impact on the (teenage) children involved despite efforts to limit exposure.

This is just a period which no-one will want to remember and everyone wants to put behind them as soon as they can. It feels like having a celebration like this at this time will somehow amplify what's happened by bringing at least some of us together and any photos or memories of the bday will always be overshadowed by the negative memory of what's happened if that makes sense.

It's been a series of related events, one sad and unfortunate thing has come out whuch has then had repercussions in other ways. The initial trigger could have come to the surface at various times but the timing is sus.

Can you postpone the booking by a year?

What happened?
How can it include all the people attending?

Is everyone else in the group affected somehow by a drama?

If it’s a hotel, can they not re-sell the rooms that won’t be needed? Surely if you say that one guest is very unwell and their family cannot come you should get their rooms refunded? Unless it’s one of those hotels you book the whole place for exclusive use?

I agree with PP’s, tell the other family and friends that the event is cancelled due to recent events and then do not engage with them unless they contact you. I can’t imagine why you would want any of them there to be honest, after what you’ve described. Then just go with DH and DC.