AIBU to already be worried about being a MIL

[FarrahMoan]

DS1 is 11!

Reading the threads on here and knowing my own slightly difficult relationship with my MIL makes me worry that I'll get it all wrong.

So please tell me what are the MIL rules to abide by? (e.g. no stealing expensive corkscrews)

Also is it just the DIL/MIL relationship which causes issues? My MIL seems to get on brilliantly with my BIL's boyfriend

And is it true that the happiest marriages are when the MIL and DIL get on?

Hi Farrah, I love being a MIL. I suppose, as we're both female, in a way I've got more in common with ddil than I have with ds. (Although I love them both dearly). I'm sure most IL relationships are good - it's only the difficult ones that come on MN.

Raise a decent, strong boy who chooses a decent strong woman. Treat them like the adults they are and not an extension of you. And it will be fine. The only thing that can go wrong is him choosing someone unreasonable or you being unreasonable.

I adore my mil. We are moving in next door to her. She is a lady of great tact and tolerance. For example I was a bit PFB with my first and insisted on a rather strict bath, massage, bottle, book routine from very little. When she had him overnight (at about eight months), she just made me show her how to do it, and just did it! My eldest was diagnosed with autism and she came on the early bird course with me, so we could be on the same page. She has always looked after them alot while I'm at work, and I trust her implicitly.

She only ever offers advice when asked, so I ask for it all the time!

But I do think this is a two way street. My mil came and visited straight after I had my babies ( catheter in situ etc) and I always make sure we see her and do something special on mother's Day. If she offers to buy something for the children (eg school coats,) I let her choose, even if they wouldn't have been my first choice. It goes without saying that she is welcome to see kids on their birthdays etc

I know I am very lucky to have her though!

I get on great with my dils and my dds boyfriends.

Respect her, stick up for her if needed, never give unasked advice especially about child rearing. Her way may not be your way but who says your way was better?

Offer to babysit but never presume. Raise good kind sons.

My Mil thinks I dislike her, I don't, she just exasperates me. The Mil dil relationship is like any other try not to rub up the wrong way, take her cues and don't try to force a friendship. But always show interest in grandchildren

Emmm on the topic of "offer to babysit", I have three wonderful but full on/unsleepy dcs. They are beginning to get a bit easier as they get older. I had them relatively young, not v young but starting at 27 and close together. I want to enjoy my retirement eventually or if I am still working which is likely when they have dcs enjoy my downtime.
I come from a large family, my dh's slightly smaller. Not one person has ever offered to babysit.ever.
I love children but I am mid 30's and exhausted so while I will be an open, friendly mil, I will not be doing any set childcare. Happy to help in an emergency or illness (which we never get) but I think this direction of "offer to babysit" is a bit odd like a dil/Sil should offer to help with things their pils need/want. And while in a perfect world this is what all families do, it's certainly not our experience and we will lookforward to enjoying friendships/new family but not new responsibilities

My ex-MIL is one of the most strongest, lovliest, non judgemental women I know.
She has also treated me with utmost respect and friendliness even when the split between her son and I was acrimonious. She stayed out of everything but continued the friendship because not only were we DIL and MIL, we were friends.

I've now go on to marry someone else and have children (I never had children with her son) and she is still there. She buys the kids birthday presents, always has a drink and treat ready for them if we happen to pop by. She's a woman in a million.

I'm so jealous of that. I thought I was very close to my ex-MIL, we texted almost every day, both made a huge effort with each other. My ex decided he wanted a divorce and suddenly it was like there was something wrong with me. And he was the one who cheated! Her sudden coldness was very hurtful and I think it's made me keep my current MIL at a bit of a distance. I think I got over my exH's betrayal faster!

I am conscious of this as I have soon to be 2 sons and a pretty terrible relationship with my mil. However she is rude, interfering, overbearing and goes out of her way to make me feel like I’m not a part of her family. I think if you make an effort to be nice to future dils, don’t see them as stealing your son from you and are generally respectful of boundaries you won’t have a problem. My mum is a wonderful mil to my husband (he agrees!) and is warm, respectful, helpful by taking our lead and not overstepping boundaries.

Reasons I love my MIL:

She doesn't view her son as a precious prince needing cosseted and looked after

She is interested in me an an individual and not just as her son's wife

She is very respectful of our home and boundaries - more than she needs to be really! E.g. Always making sure it's a good time for them to drop by etc.

She doesn't pressure us about grand children

From day one she was very inclusive of me in family events etc

She's also generally just a lovely person - kind, fair, generous, warm. That makes it easier!

I feel the same way. Ds1 is 12 so like you I've got a long way to go yet. Someone on here once told me that if you are worried about being a good mil then you will probably be a good one. I get on really well with my mil and I think part of it is she always respected mine and dh's decisions. We bought both sets of grandparents a book written by a mum and her daughter about how to be a good grandparent. It said one of the most important things is to remember that guidelines have changed in 20-30 years and parents will have their own ideas. It's not a good idea to just ignore the parents and do what you did with your own dc. I remember being slightly horrified when my parents offered to lend me their old car seat from 1990. To them it was fine but to me it looked like a death trap.

I was talking to DH yesterday about this 😄 I was in a romantic, ‘my boys are perfect and i’ll be bereft and empty when they leave’ type of mood (they’re 8 months and 3 years) and wondering if that will lead me to be some desperate clingy Mum when they’re grown up... which obviously led onto the MIL thoughts. I really want them to come and see me still and like me and I want to get on with their partners! I think I’m quite a reasonable person and will hopefully cultivate a full life for myself despite the empty nest, I reckon that must be key.
My MIL is ill so I’ve never really got to know her very much so don’t have that example to go off.
Also hopefully the teen years will help the empty nest be not such a bad thing. But what if they’re lovely teens? I’ll be devastated when they leave 🤣 Ah well, that’s at least 15 years away for us I’d imagine 😄

Thank you all for your comments. I have read them all but will come back and re read later - currently looking after 3 month old DD - she won't give me another DIL to worry about - or will she

Just be a nice person.

I'd kill for MIL to ask me questions, make any effort to get to know me in the way I'm expected to know her. Put the effort into relationships with them. Visit occasionally, don't evolve them to constantly travel to you if you live a great distance. Remember their birthdays. Don't be all passive aggressive. Put thought into Christmas presents rather than going all out for your son and grandchildren, then giving your DIL/SIL a bath set you didn't want last Christmas.

I'm not projecting at all

I love my DiL and she knows that I value her. She is a brilliant mother and far more patient then I ever was. We both have ( had) the same career, so that was always something we had in common.

I hope she thinks I raised my boy properly. I know that they share household tasks as much as possible and he’s as competent to cook, clean, deal with the children as she is.

When the children were little, I helped when I could. If she asked for advice I would suggest, but never ever insist. I wouldn’t dream of interfering. Their lives are theirs and they must do what they think is right for them. We don’t live near enough to have regular get togethers, but we’d be there for them if needed.

Yes, I’ve thought about this. My sons are under 10 still, so I’ve got some time to prepare 😬. My mother died before my children were born, so I’ve only got my imaginary mother/daughter-once-the-daughter-also-becomes-a-mum relationship to analyse, and it’s obviously very easy to make imaginary relationships amazing. My relationship with my MIL is dreadful. Pretty non-existent. And I think I’m disproportionately disappointed about this as I hoped she migh fill some of the grandmother gap left by my mum.

But yes, I’ve struggled for over a decade to establish any relationship with my MIL and it makes me anxious about getting it right if my boys make me a MIL.

I worry about this too (3.5 yr old and 16 month old boys), you are definitely not alone! My MiL isn’t awful but she’s definitely not fabulous by any stretch. It’s got worse since we’ve had the boys as she’s a bit “me, me, me” in the grandma stakes.

• talk to your DIL as an actual person, ie conversations beyond the children and endlessly asking about nursery care...
• don’t be judgemental about your own daughter’s style of parenting to your DIL when your DIL does a lot of the things!
• be warm and generous towards your son, after all the DIL chose to marry him.

My MIL is fantastic, she is respectful of me and doesn't over step her boundaries, but I know if I need her she is there. The thing I have learnt from her is that you just have to remember that different people are different and instead of focusing what you have don't have in common, focus on things you do and that people do things differently, e.g. parenting and you have to respect that.

I'm going to aim to give them space but make sure they know they are loved, be a friend who they can be relaxed and jokey with, respect their decisions, only give advice when asked for, live my own life and have my own interests, recognise that she is his priority now and not me.

I think I'll be okay as I'm pretty chilled anyway but will still have to try. I think SO many bad MILs must have said "I'll never be like my mil!" when they were young..

I'm not a MIL (DS is only 19mo!) But DH and I both have fantastic MILs

We see a lot of them both. My MIL has a wicked sense of humour and loves a dirty joke, so she's my kinda gal. My DH is away at the moment and I spent yesterday morning with MIL going out for coffee, and am seeing her again this afternoon to take DS to the park. I definitely see more of her than my DH does but that's also because I'm off work on adoption leave. She doesn't interfere or think her DS is perfect and that makes a big difference.

Same goes for my DM with DH. She knows what a pain in the arse I can be so has full sympathy for DH having to live with me We see her a lot as she lives very close and it's definitely little and often. She is very supportive, helps with DS without interfering (great as she's a Health Visitor so could be very dictatorial in how we raise DS but she really really isn't!).

Just be yourself. Don't put your DS on a pedestal. Think of any potential DIL as a potential friend - after all, you'll have been one of the biggest influences on your DS, so assume he has good taste!

Ha there are no rules (for every I want to spend two months bonding with MY baby and won't let my MIL so much a see of photo of him/her in that time (but MY Mum will of course be living here because she is MY Mum) there is a my in-law hate me and they totally aren't interested in PFB, they didn't visit in the first week and when they came they brought food with them (they obviously think I'm not capable of feeding there precious son) they didn't cuddle the baby AT ALL so I didn't ask them if they wanted too and even asked is there was any housework they could do for me - they obviously think I'm lazy and dirty.
The truth is in real most women get on fine with there MIL not as close as they are to there own mum but no issues. There are exceptions both ways -lots of women love their MIL and lots have bad relationship. Raise a good person and trust his judgement when is comes to choosing a partner. And remember mother in law jokes were told by male comedians!

Things that DH likes about my DM:

She has got to know him as a person - she has attempted to learn about his job and his interests.

She acknowledges that he makes me happy even if we don't run our relationship the way she would like.

She spoils him and always bakes him a cake.

Her house is pleasant to visit. Even now she is disabled, the bathroom functions, the bedroom is nice and she insists on taking us out to some new place she has discovered for dinner.

Things I don't like about my MIL:

She instantly expected us to be friends and me to call her mum

She knows nothing about my job except to say my DH's job is very responsible and important a lot. It isn't and I am the major breadwinner. There was also the priceless time she implied I killed people over Christmas dinner (work in the NHS, tangential part of a major news story)

She expects me to do wifework and DH to do none. If a birthday is forgotten it's my fault even though it's a member of DH's sodding family.

The house is awful to visit. The bathroom barely functions. Flushing the loo is a matter of chance. Towels are threadbare. Food will likely be frozen pizza. She has £100,000s in the bank compared to my DM who is on benefits.

OP - I am sure you will be fine.

I think what matters is to accept people for who they are even if your child’s partner is not who you would have picked out for them. The only obvious exception would be if they are abusive or downright nasty to you or your DC. It’s important to be tolerant and respectful.

I miss my late MIL she was funny, kind, practical and a great cook (which I am not!). I was shown a great example of how to be a good MIL by her.

I think you'll be a wonderful MIL, purely because you care about your relationship with your DIL/SIL!

From my experience, as long as you're not intrusive, controlling, rude, passive aggressive, or overly needy you're fine. My DM had a strained relationship with my SIL for a decade because she wouldn't accept her as being a different person to herself (i.e. not extroverted or assertive). My DM also wouldn't recognise that bringing up questions like "Are you ever going to get married?" or "When are you going to have children?" or comments such as "I want to be a grandma" are completely inconsiderate and intrusive.

I guess just reading threads about awful MILs on Mumsnet will be enough preparation to learn how not to become the MIL from hell xD I think the main thing is recognising your son and his DW's boundaries, their need to privacy, and not transgressing their personal space.

I am the mother of two girls and I am already writing a rule book for myself as both my mother and my MIL are awful and have caused so much trouble! I really want to have a good relationship with my girls and their partners in future years but I do agree, the awful MIL threads are like a guide on how NOT to do things!