To expect my brother to replace what he stole before we can move on?

[CSISaraSidle]

Hi,
I really need advice here. About 3 years ago my brother stole my laptop and sold it for 9 pills for a party. He recently admitted it to me (about a year ago) and promised to replace it. At the time he was earning £250 a week and living rent free, to the extent that my parents would provide his food. He spent all his money on beer and drugs. He did not replace it.
Every time I see him I'm already angry to begin with, because he has not yet replaced it and still smokes marijuana around me (I'm 8 months pregnant) so I have to either make a scene and be called ridiculous by my parents- we only ever see each other when I visit my mum or dad- and honestly I'm about at the end of my tether. I want my laptop replaced, but my parents both think I'm being unreasonable and causing a rift. It's not even about the laptop. It's the principle. Everyone just forgives him everything and even now if he steals something, no matter how small, they expect me to accept that that's his life.
I'm at a point now where I don't want him around my baby when she arrives because he has no respect for me whatsoever and I don't want that role model in her life, and I don't think I'm unreasonable to ask that he replaces what he stole and stops doing drugs around me.
AIBU and an "ingrate" as my dad says, or should he make efforts to make up for his past and change his future?

Your parents have set a seriously crap example by doing drugs, so it's not that surprising that your brother has turned out the way he has. You might not have followed their example but most do, they're a product of their environment.

Do you want your kids to have a similar example set and potentially end up the same?

I'd go very low contact and have a zero tolerance attitude to drugs. The minute anyone does anything in the presence of your dc, they'll never see them again.

Sounds like your brother can't stay off the weed so I would agree going nc with him, don't ever bring dc to parents house.

Please sort yourself out first.
You’re pregnant and your happy to spend time around people who smoke weed?

Put your child before a laptop ffs

Put your child first.
Eventually they will treat her like they treat you. With contempt and disrespect.
If it “kills” your dad so be it.

You also put your dc at the top of the list like your father has with your brother. Your child. Your rules.

It is very hard being the black sheep of the family especially when it’s because you’re the caring, reliable, respectable one. Know you are in the right. Always.

I would do as Imchlibob has advised.

My brother is the golden child. I’ve written a lot on here about his violence against me and my mothers nastiness and complete denial. You can be strong for the sake of your child.

lanadelrat I don't allow them to smoke it around me. My mum and dad both go outside, it's just my brother they seem to have a blind spot for. My baby does take priority. I can think about other things too, I don't have such a small brain that it's baby-or-other-things.

And I will have a 0 tolerance policy on drugs. My dad says I can't protect the child from the outside influences forever but I know I can protect her from them.
My main concern regarding the baby how they see her as public property. Apparently it would be selfish to keep her from my brother. I disagree obviously, but I will insist on no unsupervised contact until I trust them not to drink, take drugs or allow my brother around her. I didn't mention this in my first post as it felt irrelevant but now I see that it's tied together.

Fishface
You are right. This happened to my dd from about the age of 7.

I think you need to put firm boundaries in place. No drink or drugs around your baby- and they cannot have sole care of her when she is born whilst they are still abusing drink and drugs. As they will not support you with regards your brothers behaviour, do not visit them in their home but they can come to you. But no drink or drugs in your home.

If you expose your DC to these damaging behaviours and normalise it, you are not doing the best for her and you need to put her first.

I think you have to accept, however wrong, that your brother is not going to apologise sincerely and he is not going to replace your laptop. Your parents are not going to back you up on this issue. So just distance yourself from him, he does not bring anything positive into your life and is not going to anytime soon by the sign of things- he will only change when he wants to/sees a reason to.

As to your father- he is indeed far from perfect. He treats you quite badly, puts your brother first and takes drugs. Yet you put his feelings before your own? Why do you do that? I'm not saying you have to go NC, if that's not what you want, but I do think you need to put firm boundaries in place for your daughter's sake. And stick to them, even if your parents kick up a fuss (which they may well).

I wouldn't go to their house.
Parents visit you to see baby.
Brother I would have nothing to do with. I don't see what you or your baby get out of the relationship with him.
Yanbu to want the laptop replaced but it won't happen.

The unsupervised/supervised contact means nothing.
They will chip away at you until they get their way.
Have you had counselling op? They sound toxic. You owe these people nothing but you owe your unborn child love and protection and by letting her mix with these
People your not doing what’s best for her.
Sorry I know that’s harsh but that’s reality.

Bluntly, you are the snob, the elite, the Priscilla Perfect in your family. Your mere existence highlights how much they are not doing. So I suspect they have relegated you to being the Unreasonable One as a form of self defense.

You really don't have to accept that! Have you thought of maybe moving further away from them, disentangling yourself from them? You seem to have accepted drugs and alcohol as perfectly normal for adults, it isn't!

You need to consider yourself and your soon to be DC first and foremost. Which will involve letting go all hope of 'normality' or apologies, etc, and simply getting on with your own life, without any of them being much involved.

That you are being emotionally blackmailed should be your sign that you and your DC will never be as important to any of them as their own lifestyle choices. Accept that and move on, away, off, and you will probably be far happier, less anxious and will probably wonder why you ever put up with it!

Good luck

contact at yours only, no going outside to smoke - its a smoke free zone. No invite to brother, no sole charge. Those should be your rules.

It seems to me that, as blacksheep, you are willing to overlook the crap in a desperate attempt to be in their good books, hence the "oh my mum does a lot for me" (read: "she loves me really - honest ..." ) and "it would kill my dad" (read: "I will put up with all his shit if he will just acknowledge me and love me.")

You can take back control of this relationship and you should do so. You will soon be a mother and you should take active steps to ensure that she is not harmed psychologically or physically by your parents and your brother. Think 2 years down the line if she goes to grannies and finds one of those pills.....

Stop going to their house, they have no respect for you. They care more about your brother even though he is a druggy and a liar.
Your parents aren't any better.
Stop making first contact, I bet it takes them ages to realize you haven't called, phones work in both directions.
If they want to see you and your baby they can come by your place, minus your brother. Next time they call you unreasonable, tell thm, that what is unreasonable is, parents who favour a druuged up liar, and then expect you to shut up and put up to keep the peace.
You and your baby are the priority now, make it so.

OP, I wonder if several PP on this thread are advising NC based on their own experience of similar family dynamics where they were in your position?

And because they've got experience of how feasible 'no unsupervised contact' can be. When one set of people has proved reliable, they're babysitting and another family member shows up who isn't reliable? "We couldn't just throw them out, they're family. And s/he asked to hold the baby, and I wanted to go and make some tea, so...". And you've already mentioned the red flag of family seeing your baby as "public property".

I will insist on no unsupervised contact until I trust them not to drink, take drugs or allow my brother around her.

You find realise as soon as you given unsupervised contact they will be ignoring all of this. It’ll be “just one drink”, or “just 5 mins” as they leave your brother to watch your baby the while they peg out the washing. I would consider insisting all contact must happen at your house for now.

You are in a hard situation and I feel for you
But I think you need to step back and try and get perspective as this is a very usual / non normal situation. have you heard about FOG (Fear, obligation, guilt) it’s worth reading up on

Ive recently gone nc with my (drug addict) brother to protect my kids. Its tricky becahse he lives w my dad who (of course) thinks Im being very unreasonable. My biggest regret is that he was ever in their lives in the first place.

Maybe once your baby is born stick to inviting your parents to yours. They'll huff and puff a bit but if they love you they'll accept it. If they don't then you'll know that you and your dd are not that impirtant to them. Thats a shitty realisation but honestly, better to know now before your baby gets attached to them.

" but I will insist on no unsupervised contact until I trust them not to drink, take drugs or allow my brother around her. "

Well that's hardly likely to ever happen is it?

Do they even ever have to have "unsupervised contact"?

I'd consider cutting way back on seeing them.

They don't think much of you & probably won't of your child at some point.

Rip the plaster off sooner rather than later!

Your parent's home sounds like an unhealthy place for you. I'd avoid it, your parents could visit you instead and in your home there is no smoking weed. If they don't like it it's their problem not yours.

Grim that you’d let a group of druggies have any contact with your child supervised or not. It’s not about your warped loyalty to your family anymore. It’s about your child.

Going outside to smoke won't completely protect your baby. The event and fumes from whatever crap they're consuming will be on their clothes and hair too.

If I'm honest you appear to be minimising the behaviour and treatment of you. It is likely that you haven't truly realised and acknowledged that aspects of their character is bordering on abusive.

Your parents are completely ignoring you now. They are never going to listen to anything you say in regards to your baby. They will do whatever they want.

By the way there have been massive studies on the effects of residual cigarette smoke etc on babies not sure on how many studies there have been into the residual effects of cannabis (especially the current super strength varieties) on babies. I really can't imagine they would be good at all! I did try looking into this about 10 years ago with concerns over my own in laws so do get this!

The only way you will have any control over this situation is to put firm boundaries into place. All contact should be at your home only or on days out where you meet at the destination.

Also do remember that drug users are prone to erratic and unpredictable behaviour at times and normal boundaries are ignored. This behaviour is really not acceptable in front of children! Unless you want them to learn that it's acceptable to steal from you, shout at you, swear at you, call you names etc.

You are minimising their behaviour. You need to seriously consider going NC with the lot of them. If it "would kill them" to not see their grandchild, then perhaps they would fix the problems but they aren't. Your father said you can't protect your child from everything?! She'll be a tiny baby - you can sure as hell protect her from immediate dangers such as drug addict family members. I would never see your brother again. Parents too. Your baby is bottom of the priority list for them all with drugs at the top of that list. I'd recommend counselling so that you can learn that you do not have to put up with this just because they are your parents and brother. You have your own little family unit now with your baby.

You guys are right, but I do need my parents. My mum just put a deposit down on my flat and paid 6m up front because I couldn't get a guarantor, and my dad has always been there for me, aside for a blip when I was a teenager. I don't think they realise they're wrong, because they grew up in this loop too. I'll show them the thread and hopefully they'll see what they stand to lose.

As for my brother, he's not a drug addict. He's just got zero empathy and is highly aggressive all the time. My parents blame ADHD, but I know he's just using that as an excuse to live his life in whatever way he chooses, no matter the effect it has on people. I'll never let him see his niece unless he can prove to me that he's changed, which will be difficult because I don't believe he ever will.

You can never leave your child with them u supervised. No way will they respect your wishes and smoke away from her. Charming family you have.

If you're showing them this thread, can I suggest you include this link

www.nhs.uk/news/pregnancy-and-child/smoking-and-risk-of-cot-death/

I will do button
They're a dysfunctional lot but they're the only family I have. Outside of the family I have two real friends, one who lives halfway across the country. Even if i wanted to go NC with my parents, sister and other brother, I'd really be isolating myself at a time when I really need support. This baby needs more than just me!