To ask for your advice on how to fit in at work?

[MrsKiplin]

I've worked part time in a nursery for a while now and I don't feel as though I fit in with my colleagues. It's the first time I've worked in a solely female environment and my first job in a nursery. I took the job due to its convenience but I enjoy being with the children and always try hard. I think I must be the problem as I am shy and lack confidence but I've always been able to overcome this in previous office jobs.

The ladies I work with are nice people, they work mostly full time and they plan the activities together for the week. I feel like they have their work all nicely planned out and I kind of have to come up with my own ideas to occupy myself. I'm not always particularly good at this as I thrive more when I'm given a task to do and can get on with it. I'm conscious that they probably think less of me for this. One of the women often makes snide remarks about what I'm doing and I've noticed they avoid asking me to help with certain activities and worry they think I'm no good.

A new part timer has joined and she's really loud and confident and they all seem to think she's amazing. When she's there I find myself retreating back and feeling rubbish. The ladies love her so obviously it is possible to fit in there, I just haven't managed it. I'm not invited to stuff outside of work unless it's the official Christmas do and they're always tagging each other on Facebook with in jokes that I'm not part of.

I guess I feel it keenly because before I had a child I was in an office job where they all thought the world of me and I had lots of laughs every day. I guess I miss feeling useful and feeling like I make a valuable contribution. Any advice or sympathy would be welcome.

You've worked there for "a while" and don't fit in. Time to plan your exit I'm afraid. You've given it a decent go and not every job works out.

It's nothing to do with how you behave. You got on fine in the office. Also they never made much effort to make you feel part of the team did they?
Plan your exit and move on.

I know but it's so hard that find a term time job. I don't have help with childcare.

Sorry. When I said " plan your exit" I meant just that. Plan it. I know it's difficult to move on.
Make a plan to, say, get a teaching assistant job. Once you start making your exit plan you'll feel a lot better, even if the exit itself takes a year.

How long is a while? A few months or a few years?

Have you tried asking one of the ladies for advice? Have you tried volunteering for help rather than waiting to be asked?

If you're so miserable you've decided you don't fit in, you have nothing to lose by trying to turn the situation round. Worst case scenario: nothing changes. Best case scenario: you actually start to enjoy working there.

E.g.

"I've been here for a while now, but I don't feel like I've made as much progress settling in as I had hoped. Would you be able to help me with some feedback so I can I improve? I would really value your opinion."

"Is there anything I can do to help you with the activities this week? I'd love to help if I can."

I do wonder whether it's just a bad fit. You've had jobs before where you're valued and liked so it's clearly not that you're unprofessional or unlikeable in general but maybe you're just not suited to that particular environment? Could you keep working there while looking for a different role somewhere else?

The key to working with children is to be brilliant with children. Even if they don't love you now, if the kids do then they'll come round.

I work in schools (although not with children) and the people who are the most popular are usually the ones the children love.

LOTS of people think they want to work with children... "I get on great with my kids" "term time only suits me" "I always wanted to work with kids" etc etc. Lots of them don't stay. Lots of them can't deal with the poo and the sick and patience required (and that's just the parents, arf arf!). If you can, then you're on to a winner.

Put all the social stuff aside. That's irrelevant. And (if you're lucky) will come with time anyway. You're not there for your social life, so don't focus on it. If it happens it's a bonus. Focus on doing your job well. Then, if nothing else, at least you'll get their respect.

I'm worried where you talk about the fact they've got stuff planned and you're not part of it. That sounds really odd. Like... do they read a book on rockets on a Monday and then spend the rest of the week making rockets? But you're off in a corner doing something different? That's very strange.
Can you not ask what the plans are and support these activities? If that's not possible, come out with your own - better - plans.

Not connected, but I've worked in at least 2 jobs where I haven't been liked/trusted initially. I think because I've got a "posh voice" and they think I'm too snobby to work in a deprived area. I reckon it takes a year for the most bigoted them to get past that.

It's been a couple of years for me. What I meant by the planning is that they each have an activity they're going to do on the planner that ticks off an area of learning. I'm not factored into the plan so I have to kind of occupy myself. It would feel awkward to muscle in on someone else's activity. I've been doing a training course too in my own time and have sometimes found it hard to think of ideas.

because I haven't had the time at home to google ideas.

do it now op

But that's so odd. Surely there's a manager or someone you can speak to? How part time is part time? ARe you only there one morning a week or something? Otherwise, why aren't they using you in a more productive way? There must be someone you can ask... "Hi Manager. I don't feel like I'm using my time as effectively as I could for the children. Is there an area of the planning I could feed into?" I assume you're talking about the P-scales. Can't you pick something from that and do an activity based on those?

They're just not Your People. You need to find somewhere with Your People.

What's your role st the nursery?

Am in there a couple of days a week. It's not just the planning it's all the in jokes on Facebook where they tag each other and exclude me. Just feels quite lonely.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact that they are full time and you are not. Purely spending more time together means there is more time for 'in jokes' to develop and less time for you to get to know each other.
The fact that you are going off to do your own thing means that you are excluding yourself and this is increasing those feelings.

Do you work on the 'busy' days? I am wondering if the planning is done at a quieter time of the week.