To ask if relationships last longer when you're older?

[September2018]

Just that really. I'm in my late 20s, newly single with DCs. I've made the decision to stay single and focus on my children. Wouldn't mind a relationship once the kids are older, in 10 years time. If I don't find someone then that's ok too.

But I wanted to ask, do you guys think a relationship last longer when you're older and more mature. I'm thinking you've lived life more and have lots of life experience.

Perhaps. I'm not sure if it is age or expectation and opportunities that have changed. I've been with the same partner since I was in my late teens. Back then there was no social media. You met people the old fashioned way through friends, uni, social clubs, pubs etc. The circle of people you could easily interact with was smaller than it is now.

I think life was much more private than it is now.

Are you meaning romantic relationships? Because surely the dependent factor for longevity is picking a compatible partner and maybe experience and maturity help you pick better but maybe not.
I split from my dd’s dad two years ago and I dated someone for 2/3 months before ending things and then 9 months before realising things weren’t what I wanted. So, in my experience, not necessarily. But then I’ve always been a bit fickle and shallow so I’m not the best example.....

Certainly for relatives of mine that ended long term relationships and found someone else later in life, this has been the case. My Grandad for example was with my Grandma for 35 years until she upped and left him out of the blue one day, she was the only person he had ever been with. He met his now wife a couple of years later through church and they have been married for a decade and are very happy. He is far happier now than he ever was with my Grandma. Same for my DM, she is the happiest she’s ever been with the man she met in middle age.

I just believe you know yourself better the older you get and know what you want and don’t want. You’re less willing to put up with other people’s crap.

I think when you're a bit older you definitely don't put up with things you would when you were perhaps a late teen / early 20's. Also as we get older we're probably more aware of "what we want" out of a relationship and therefore only commit when its got a chance of survival.

Exactly, you know what you want. When I got with my ex at 21, I didn't know much about relationships or men. And I put up with far more than I should.

I now know what I want, and if he doesn't tick all the boxes, I won't settle.

I do think you tend to be better at choosing partners as you get older and your expectations of relationships tend to be more realistic so it lends itself better to long lasting relationships.

It depends. You'd think you'd get much more attuned to what you will/won't settle for but sometimes life has a way of throwing curb balls.

Do you mean to say you're going to make a concerted decision not to date until your children are older? Of course you are entitled to choose how you go about dating or otherwise but what will you be open to in 10years that you aren't right now? Bar childcare, that is.

@VladmirsPoutine relationships take time and effort, there's so many things I want to do now that i didn't get to do in my 20s because of the DCs. I want to study, travel and do things with my children, and I want to grow as a person and get to know myself again before I get into another relationship. I'm so not keen on stepfamilies, so that's why I want to start dating again once my children are older

It’s a tricky one, I do think the older you get the harder it can be to meet people, so some people stay in their relationships longer than they should for fear they won’t meet anyone else.

But also as you get older and more serious you might not want to waste your time with someone not worth settling down with, and jump ship if you can see it’s not going to work.

I think it depends on how old you are and what you are wanting from a relationship.

OP if you are in your late 20s then you can likely meet someone more easily who doesn't have children himself in the next 5 years or so.

In regards to whether relationships get easier as you get older - when you are older you are more likely to know your boundaries and be more confident to act on them so if someone breaches them you end the relationship faster.

I think it depends on the type of people you are. If you’ve grown and developed and matured and know yourself then you’re less likely to settle for a substandard relationship with an idiot in the first place, hence greater initial compatibility leading to longer term relationships. But on the other hand, the older you get the more likely you are to be meshed together by mortgages, joint finances, kids, fear of being older and not meeting anybody else and so on and sadly, I have several friends I know of and no doubt more I don’t who are unhappy in their relationships but reluctant to split up because of one or more of the above. Couples like that are going to inevitably distort the longevity figures.

Is it the be all and end all for a relationship to last for a long time, anyway? I mean, I get that if you have children together then it’s seen as optimal for a couple to stay together to raise them. But if you don’t, what’s wrong with adulthood being about a series of shorter term, satisfying, mutually beneficial relationships without any of the weird “together forever” expectations? Stay together for as long as you’re enjoying each other, recognise when that’s no longer the case, and move on. I’m comfortable with that model, it works well for me.

I'm so not keen on stepfamilies, so that's why I want to start dating again once my children are older

You sound exactly like my mother. She met my dad and married very young, was divorced with 2 children in her late 20s. My dad remarried very quickly, lots of reason to suspect she was the OW, but in fairness they've been married 25 years now and are much better suited than my parents ever were. It was, however, a nightmare for my brother and I as she was very territorial and defensive, always trying to push us out of the picture, always bitching about my dad "funding my mums lifestyle" (i.e. Paying the legal minimum in child support You know the kind of person I'm talking about. I think that between hardly having a spare second/ penny to herself as a single mum, and seeing how much grief one step family setup was already giving us, she decided it just wasn't worth the hassle to start dating again. I asked her a few times if she'd like to meet someone and she always just vaguely replied "maybe someday". She's now almost 60 and has never had another relationship. She insists that she just never missed being with someone. My dad made her life hell and regaining her freedom was just too sweet to give it up again. I think she'd have to meet a man who was literally perfection itself to even consider dating, and I'm certain that even then she'd never consider cohabitation or marriage again. She's very happy and loves her life (or so she earnestly tells me). My brother and I will do whatever it takes to support her as she gets older, we will never see her left struggling for lack of a partner to care for her. I know that doesn't answer your question about relationship longevity, but I think that your plan of focusing solely on your children for the time being is a good one. Of course if you happen to meet The One then you should be open to that, don't deny yourself happiness. But there's definitely no need to rush out and start actively looking for something.

I think she'd have to meet a man who was literally perfection itself to even consider dating,

This is exactly how I feel, hence why I said before he needs to tick all the boxes. I had a really bad relationship with my ex, and being on my own with my DCs is pure bliss. I love it, I would never live with a man again. If I don't meet Mr Right, then I'm happy being on my own .

and I want to grow as a person and get to know myself again before I get into another relationship

A very admirable sentiment - if only more thought this way !

I'm 60 and far too picky to ever hope for another relationship. As soon as a potential date pisses me off that's it.
Life is great single and it would have to be someone super special to come into my life.
I wish I could have met someone decent at 21 and stayed with them my whole life, all those shared memories are very important. What shared memories or special moments do I have to share with anyone I meet now?
To me my children are all important and I treasure the times i spend with them and the memories I have with them, no man will ever come between us again.

Relationships when I was younger were shorter and more intense. Age has brought with it a calmer long term relationship. I was a twat when I was younger though so maybe that explains it!

As soon as a potential date pisses me off that's it.

This. I've had several bad long-term relationships and now I am much harder about my boundaries. I'm really not willing to give the benefit of the doubt. Yes, maybe I'll miss out on the man of my dreams but I'll protect myself from the abusers and the freeloaders.

M. Right does not exist, as you are not Mrs Perfect either. So give yourself some slack, focusing on yourself first is the best thing, usually this is when things starts to really shift, it is right for you to want to study, and travel, and give good foundations to your kid. Having a good knowledge of who you are and what you want, your core values will immediately put on the side a lot of not interesting candidates. Now you can do all that keeping an open mind : if you shut the door even Mr Perfect will not come knocking. If you want to end up single, the recipe is very simple, you know it, fooling around with subpar material is another way that you clearly do want want to take, there is a third road though. Building your palace and keeping the keys at hand and your whistles ready just in case M. Prince charming from this other faraway kingdom passes by. That you ate Cadbury eggs and did not like it does not disqualify you for Godiva or Lindt.
Crudly : You are very very young, a catholic would tell you that since you have a child you are not meant to me a nun honey, married people have more sex than celibate, it's a given.
Look at me straight in the eyes and tell me you are preparing yourself for 70 to 80 years of celibacy, not even in the name of Jesus, or because you are a bouddhist.
Peacefully prepare yourself for bliss, it takes a few years. You are already very mature : You are absolutely right not to want to give your diamonds to pigs. I've been in your shoes. I will say this much. And don't give the hard shoulder to a fine guy because there will be others coming down the line, I have seen numerous women in their 40, 50 sixties who privately DEEPLY regret their previous choices. If there is nothing wrong with him, there is nothing wrong with him, just travel together don't make babies right away. Get your education on track, this is one deep regret out of the way.

As soon as a potential date pisses me off that's it.

This made me laugh . I know that if I meet someone in the future and I fall for him, we will have arguments. The key is to look for how he handles that argument. Will he shout, call me names, making me feel worthless and small, or will he talk about it in a calm way. Maybe raised voice (we're all human) but no name calling or abuse.

I read a thread on a here a while ago and this stood out for me. " even when he's angry he still treats me nice". Thats what I'm looking for.