To want to leave?

[Stuck321]

Pressed 'Post' too soon, hopefully MN has removed previous post...

NC for this!

I'm hoping that I am!

I've been together with DP for 3 years and have an amazing 2 month old DS (unplanned). We're in our mid 20s.

When I got pregnant, everything went wrong. I was made redundant - I was only there for 3 months so didn't receive anything. I was then not able to find a job at all when I was pregnant, leading me to use my savings to keep me afloat. Without my income, we were unable to afford our flat. Luckily his parents have taken us in and that's where we are now.

Of course, we can't be here forever and I'm itching for us to have our own place. The quickest way for me to do this is to go back to work in a couple of months. The money that I'd earn would be able to pay for over half DS' childcare fees and enough to pay more than half of what rent would be.

My DP has just been offered to retain in another field, which would eventually lead to him earning a decent salary. Although for the next couple of years, he'll be on roughly half of what I'd be earning. He is currently only working part-time, but he's well paid and will be earning less and will be away from home more if he accepts the offer.

The problem is, it's about an hour and a half away. This means that if we both work, no one can drop DS off at childcare. He can't drive and I'd be commuting into inner London so wouldn't be able to drive, anyway. He's now completely against me working for the next year, whilst he learns how to drive and can pay for a car/insurance etc.

This means yet more time living with my ILs. They've been fantastic taking us in, but they need their own space and DS will eventually need his own bedroom and I want my own space too!

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I don't think it's the right time to start a new career path? Can't he wait a few more years until DS is older and we're more settled?

Or should I suck it up, stay off for another year (ideal world, I'd love to. I'm just trying to think practically and I want the best for my son) which would also mean more time off of my CV, as well as not having our own space. I'm also, selfishly, worried about such a big gap affecting my chances of getting a decent job again.

He's been absolutely awful to me over this, calling me a 'miserable fucker' (I'm really not) and saying that no one else would want me anyway, because of the "baby weight" and I'm a shit mum because I want to go back to work.

I'd love to leave, but I'd hate that for DS and the thought of only being with him for 50% of the time destroys me.

It sounds like your relationship is the first priority here and whether you should even stay together. The things he has said to you are awful and by the fact you are saying you’d love to leave suggests other problems in the relationship than just this?

Assuming you are not married (you say DP and not DH), coupled with the fact you are living with his parents puts you in a very vulnerable situation financially. You really need to focus on getting back to work and getting financial independence ASAP.

In the meantime, you need to position it to DP that now is not the right time for a career change for him, you need to get yourselves financially independent of his parents and he needs to learn to drive and then you can look at it again.

That sets you up better for the future as a couple (if you decide to stay together) but also allows you to set yourself up independently should you decide the relationship is not working out which is also a likely scenario.

Gosh. Surely there are two issues here.

The first is, why would you want to be with someone who speaks to you like that, who undermines you personally and who isn’t supportive of your career and ambitions?

The second is if he wants to retrain and has the opportunity then, maybe he should. That opportunity may not come along again.

Do you have to travel so far? Can you find an equivalent (probably less well paid) job locally for a year? Once you account for the cost of commuting and your tiredness/stress, would it be worth it?
I’m a single mum and people doing 50:50 care is quite rare so be careful. If you split, your dp may chose to leave dc with you and do EOW leaving you unable to commute long distances anyway.
Would your in laws be willing to help? What do they think? It affects them too.

To answer your question, no yabu to want to leave.
His behaviour is appalling and completely unacceptable. How dare he ridicule you over your post baby weight (which is entirely normal at 2 months post birth!!) and say no one else would want you. That's classic signs of controlling abusive behaviour. Then to say you're a shit mum for wanting to better yourselves and to try and do something about your financial situation?! Sorry but he's behaving like a complete dick.
I'm not sure if that's what you want to hear or not.
You're right in that he should be waiting until you're more settled and ds is older but more importantly he needs to start treating you with the respect you deserve.

He's now completely against me working for the next year,*

This leaves you very vulnerable.

w They've been fantastic taking us in, but they need their own space and DS will eventually need his own bedroom and I want my own space too!

AIBU to think this is ridiculous? I don't think it's the right time to start a new career path?

Or should I suck it up, stay off for another year

No. Not with a man who talks to you the way he does.

He's been absolutely awful to me over this, calling me a 'miserable fucker' (I'm really not) and saying that no one else would want me anyway, because of the "baby weight" and I'm a shit mum because I want to go back to work*

He's abusive and trying to erode your self esteem.

Raise your bar and don't accept that from him.

I'd be taking my baby and leaving him.

I'm so sorry, that all sounds so stressful at a time where you really don't need it. Hard to give advise really, from what you've said your DP is not supportive and actually (as others have pointed out) controlling. You don't need it; take care of yourself and your baby

I'd love to leave, but I'd hate that for DS and the thought of only being with him for 50% of the time destroys me.

It might be better for DS to grow up in a home where he doesn't have to witness his dad talking to his mother in this way. Your DP is lashing out because he's not getting his own way, and clearly verbal abuse is his reaction to stress. Doesn't bode well for the future does it?

Up until your last couple of paragraphs, I was thinking I can see pros and cons to both your's and your DP's argument. But the way he talks to you is awful and it does seem like he's trying to trap you and make you reliant on him. I can understand you not wanting to lose time with your son, but try to think of the long term picture (not easy I know). This man doesn't treat you well. Having a happy relationship with your son 50% of the time (worst case scenario) is surely better than having more time but feeling constantly worn down and miserable from dealing with an unsupportive DP.