Triggering, please don't open unless you're comfortable talking about baby loss

[ZebraLockdr]

Someone close to me has just lost her little girl at 20 weeks and 5 days.

AIBU to say it's fucking insensitive for a nurse to say "I'm so sorry, I'm glad you didn't pass 24 weeks. I've seen women pass the miscarriage limit, when it becomes stillbirth, and it's horrific"

AIBU to be fucking fuming at not only her choice of words, but the fact she's comparing the two at all?

I was too taken aback to say anything at all when she was standing there. I've had later 'miscarriages' myself and they definitely weren't the same as an early loss within the first trimester.

Grief isn't a competition and I don't know why she's done this.

I asked DFriend if she'd like me to report her to PALS but she says she wasn't really listening when she said it

Definitely agree with you. Grief isn't a competition and I am amazed all the time that so many people seem to think that it is. Also your friend lost a baby and the words "I'm glad" shouldn't be used at all in that sentence. Sorry I'm not from the UK and don't know what PALS is.. you are right to be fuming, I would be too.

YANBU Incredibly insensitive and hurtful of the nurse to say that. The loss of a child/baby at any age/stage is a tragedy for the parent[s] and those close to them.

That is truly awful! But it is up to your friend if she wants to raise it as a concern. If I was you I would write down everything your friend has said incase she wants it later for a complaint.

Report it to pals and possibly even make a formal complaint. It’s disgusting and she needs to be brought up on her insensitivity

Okay so this is what I've done -

Written down everything that has been said

Written down at what time/date it was said

And

Written down who said it

I won't report to PALS right now but I'm going to make sure my friend has all the info she needs if she'd like to later on

Your friend lost her baby, the clue was in that word, there is not a difference to the grief that will be felt no matter what the gestational age of the child was, midwives should be your one source of medical solace and support at that point, for her to even hold this opinion is wrong let alone say it out loud to a grieving parent, shame on her!

for your friend.

So, the midwife was suggesting that your friend is less devastated by the loss of her baby now than she would be in 4 weeks time?

YANBU, that's a horrible thing to say.

I’d take it with a pinch of salt and people sometimes say daft things they don’t think through.

My first child was born very prematurely and sadly passed away at 6weeks old, I can ‘understand’ the midwifes comment even if it was a little insensitive. Carrying my sons coffin will stay with me as about the most soul crushing thing a guy can do.

War So sorry for your loss

I could be wrong but I thought babies born after 20+ weeks often have the option of a coffin and funeral too though, as they would if they'd been born at 24 weeks?

I can see what the midwife meant, but what was the point of saying it anyway? @thefinn is so right that the words 'I'm glad' were just so inappropriate. How tactless.she was, your friend would definitely be justified in making a complaint. It's good that you've written everything down.

That is a truly awful thing to say. A loss is just that, no matter what stage of gestation it happens at. for your friend OP

That's really really horrible. I had a stillborn baby and still think that a loss is a loss at any stage. Mine was one of twins, and I got 'at least you've still got one' and 'do you think the baby knew it's twin died?' whilst in hospital! I genuinely didn't know how to reply. I put it down to them feeling awkward and not quite knowing what to say. Lots of love to your friend x

The reason you should take this to pals is that your friend has to much on her mind to do it herself and this bitch is going to keep saying shit like this to people raw with grief.

Something similar happened to me when i had an ectopic.. the nurse said she had just seen a lady whos baby was live with a beating heart in her fallopian tube where as mine wasn't a baby it was just a bunch of cells.!! Where as technically she was correct that is true.. to me my pregnancy was a baby.

Why go straight to PALS I’m sure a complaint to the nurses department manager is enough to flag up to the nurse that it was inappropriate .

ZebraLockdr
It was very insensitive, no matter what stage in pregnancy you lose a baby it is devasting. You can complain to PALS up to a year after, so maybe in time your friend will want to, it's good you've written it down. It really is a terrible thing to say to someone who has lost their baby.

Regarding a funeral and coffin, I know babies born at 20 weeks can as my daughter was born at 20+2 and we held a service and she had a coffin.

Can you give it as feedback to the ward rather than make a complaint to PALS ?

Your friend says she did not even hear it, so I suspect, quite understandably, it would have been triggering for you - and you are trying to be supportive.

I don't think most people say things with the intention of causing hurt and distress.

Feedback to her ward would be a way of getting a change. Complaints are massively time consuming and could also distress your friend when you repeat the words she had not even taken in at the time.

Please note I'm not saying what was said was ok, but I suggest it was a clumsy inadvertent attempt by a well meaning staff member to fill silence - she needs training on what to say.

You have been a lovely friend and sorry for your losses