To feel so sad that I’m not attracted to my husband.

[Snowspeckledeyelashes]

I’ve been sat here crying because I feel so bad I feel this way but the truth of the matter is that I don’t find my husband sexually attractive and tbh, I don’t know if I ever have or ever will again.
Maybe I’m in a midlife crisis or something!
I’m 45 and we’ve been together since I was 17.
I love him dearly, I think he has a lovely face and am attracted to him that way but physically and sexually, not so much.
Has anyone else felt like this and what can I do to turn it round? I hate myself for feeling like this but I do and can’t turn those feelings off.

Not being cheeky but why did you marry him?
What were things like when you first met him, did you have that can’t keep your hands off each other stage?

Attraction is something that can be worked on OP. Is the issue that you don't have a good sex life? Could you seek counselling for this or have some open discussions about what you want from sex? It's hard to not be attracted to someone you have regular, fulfilling sex with but if you are bored or dissatisfied in bed you can easily see how attraction would crash and burn.

Is it his body that you don’t find attractive? Do you have a sex life together?

If you are sitting crying it sounds like you might be a bit down in general? Do you think it could be that affecting your sex drive?

I we were very young when we got together and were friends before that, it kind of just happened and we’ve always been great mates. I married him because I love him but maybe that isn’t enough!
well sex life is ok but not great but then again he’s the only person I’ve been with so nothing to compare to. How can we have counselling without me having to tell him how I feel?

frosty yes his body doesn’t turn me on tbh. He does a very physical job so has great arms and legs but big tums run in his family and I just don’t find that attractive. We do have a sex life.
mil I do feel a bit down tbh have a few things going on that is making me contemplate life but I don’t think it’s affecting my sex drive, it’s still there.

I feel less attracted to my DH when I feel less attractive. Like if I have a binge few weeks and put on weight or am tired and feel a mess. When I get my shit together it’s all back on track. Certain times of the month too. I think sexual attraction is a lot to do with how you feel in yourself. You can fancy others as fantasies are safe. In fantasies they always fancy you back and you can pretend you are beautiful even if you are not feeling it. You said he has a nice face so it’s not like you find him hideous.

Could you be peri menopausal? This can affect libido.
Also 30 years of sex with the same man - who really has the energy?

thats The problem is that I feel he doesn’t make a huge effort to keep in shape. Like I say, he has a very physical job so isn’t really keen on going to the gym etc when he gets home. The truth is I am attracted to a trim, fit body, that makes me sound superficial but that’s the truth. I’ve always kept myself fit, I exercise and am a size 8-10 so feel ok about my body. I do, do the fantasy thing but I want to feel real life attraction in the person I’ve decided to spend the rest of my life with and love. Hate that I feel that way.

I think this happens to a LOT of people. You're a different person now, than you were back then.

Desires change. It happens. It's not your fault.

You could try psycho sexual counselling but if you don't fancy him, you don't. That's my take on it.

And you know, if you leave and meet someone else , you might find that your desires change again in the next 17 years.

It is normal. It's also normal to fancy the pants off your partner for 70 years

And anything in between is also normal

We're all human and unique.

Please don't beat yourself up 🌟💗

mrs I could be peri?! It hasn’t really affected my libido though. I think it’s the realisation that this is it, that whatever attraction I had for him has probably gone and may never come back. I mean, once something like that has vanished how do you get it back?

bubbles I think you are totally right. I’m going to have to accept this, take what sex life I do have a run with it. It’s probably why so many people my age have affairs!!

Op if he had a 30 inch waist and a 6 pack, would you fancy him?
Or does this feeling go deeper than that.

Mrs initially, of course I’d fancy him!! but in all honesty, if I delve deeper, it must go deeper than that. Like I say, maybe it’s me and some kind of panicky mid life crisis. Was just hoping there may be some others who have felt this way and could tell me that it’ll pass. I dont want this consuming me, I’ve felt it for a while and need it to go before it eats away into my marriage.

Snow I suggest the answer is within you. Maybe you're resisting delving? I know my ex not defending me on one occasion led to me feeling like you (he put on belly fat too) and we never recovered.
You need to have a good think about when your feelings changed. Maybe then you can change things for the better.

You sound menopausal to me (been there done that). You should see your GP, it's amazing how a little bit of HRT can lift your mood and change your life.

Mrs you right, there are a few issues where I feel he isn’t supporting me at this time of my life, maybe that’s turned me off him for a while. Thank you.
glam maybe, my friend has just gone on hrt, the change in her is immense. I just don’t want to admit I’m getting old, haha! I don’t feel it, not ready to admit that just yet!!

I am not sure that I find my dh physically attractive, or ever have really. Objectively, he is not handsome, or particularly fit or toned. But I enjoy sex with him because I like sex and we are good together, after so many years we know what works. So I am not sure you need to look at your partner and go phwooor to have a good sex life. But I will say that when I he is being an arse I find him deeply unattractive, so I think there is more than physical attraction or lack of, going on here, just my two cents. Oh and I am post menopause btw.

dead I think that’s probably what it is. Dh hasn’t been that supportive recently when I really need him to, so that may have a knock on effect on how I see him atm?!

Resentment absolutely kills attraction and passion ime.

Have you spoken to him about how you feel? Not the not fancying him anymore but the not feeling supported by him and how bad it makes you feel.

How often do you go out as a couple? Drinks, dinner, a movie. Sometimes when your with someone for so long you forget to put the effort in. The romance dies and you end up more like friends than lovers.

You might just need to find that spark again?

Or it could be that you've outgrown the relationship. 17 is very young. At 34 im certainly not the same person i was at 17. People change, desires change. 40's isnt young but its definitely not old either. Dont spend the next 40 years being unhappy. If you cant find the spark again maybe its time to move on.