Tobacco on the coffee table

[WhatOnEarthIsThat]

Just got up to go to work and there's tobacco on the coffee table. DP smokes very occasionally socially but has recently been staying up a lot to play PlayStation and doesn't come to bed until late/sleeps on sofa. Just came down to find tobacco on the coffee table. He's started talking about how he would like to smoke marijuana occasionally now he isn't drug tested in his job and I'm worried he's smoking drugs. If I ask him he will likely hide it and lie. Do I ask him about it? Or wait and go through his bag which would be an invasion of privacy to say the least?

Not sure how I feel about it.

How old are you? 11?

Just ask your husband about it.

fleetwood no need to be rude. I'm concerned that if I ask him he will lie and if he is smoking drugs he will hide it from me.

He's also not my husband!

Why would he lie bout it?

And what does that tell you about the relationship?

If he's talked out wanting to smoke weed then why do you think he'd lie?
I would ask him. Have you made your views clear?

You sound more like his mother than partner .

Up to him what he smokes in my opinion

If you think he's going to lie you need to bust him in the act to satisfy your curiosity.
Set your alarm, get up and check. That way you'll know.
Or leave him to a simple pleasure.

I think it's slightly dependant on if there are children in the house. In either case just ask him surely. Not in a confrontational way as there's no need. He's an adult and can make these sorts of choices himself. You're an adult too and have the right to say you're not willing to live with it if that's your choice. If it's something you really don't want in your home could you suggest he smokes outside? I think it really doesn't have to be dramatic

I don't agree with him smoking marijuana. I'm 6 months pregnant and would rather he didn't spend our money on drugs and tobacco considering we don't have much at the moment. I don't like that he is hiding it from me, I have told him that I don't really agree with it but it wasn't an argument or a demand, just that a close family friend died of oesophageal cancer and that I think it's a bad habit. I think that's a fair opinion.

I'm not trying to act like his mother. I have a genuine concern that the father of my child has started smoking again, and that he may also be smoking drugs and sitting up on his computer games late at night then going to a demanding job the next day.

I'm concerned because I care not because I am trying to control him.

If smoking weed would be a problem for you tell him. If he's smoking it in the house you'll be able to tell anyway. It's a strong smell. It'd be a dealbreaker for me.

I smoke cigarettes and even I would know from the smell if someone had been smoking weed instead, it’s very distinctive. I think you’re being given a hard time here though. If you don’t like it (I don’t either) then you do have a right to know if he is smoking it or not. Because that may be something you wouldn’t want to accept in a relationship. If he is not going to be honest then all you can do is see if there are signs of him smoking it and then confront him.

@NerdyBird I would just rather he told me then go behind my back and smoke secretly when I'm asleep. This isn't a massively huge issue I'm not going to bite his head off over it I just wanted some opinions before I talked to him.

Just talk to him. You'd know if he was smoking weed in the house though as you'd be able to smell it.

nerr he probably just went in to the back garden if he did.. I doubt he would do it in the house.

You sound awfully controlling and hard work op.

@Stirner I'm really not controlling in the slightest. I don't like the idea of going to bed and my partner staying up late and smoking marijuana when his daughter is upstairs, that's all. I haven't tried to control him in any way, I haven't tried to make him stop, I have voiced my opinion on smoking which he asked me for. What have I done that is controlling?

Yes well, your thread after mine goes into far more detail OP , much more than the opening thread.

Had I known you were pregnant, need to keep an eye on cash spent etc then I would have said he is being selfish then .
You still sound controlling but that is my opinion.

Amazing that having a concern about your partner who has children is smoking after a close friend died of cancer, caused by smoking, even though I haven't even talked to him about it, haven't made any demands and have just asked for advice is seen as controlling ok I guess IABU and will learn to be ok with him sat on his PlayStation all night smoking cigarettes and pot because that's what I really wanted in a partner!

Don't strop - you've posted in AIBU and asked for opinions - you're getting them. There's no guarantee that people are going to agree with you.

YANBU to be concerned.

YABU to get defensive when people are telling you that talking to him directly would be a better idea rather than going through his possessions to check up on him.

Some posters seem to have woken up the wrong side bed this morning.

Anyway, OP, this very much sounds like the beginning of the end. A soon to be father shouldn't be spending his nights up play video games only to plead tiredness when parental duties call. Neither should a soon to be father (or parent, for that matter) be considering getting stoned whilst responsible for a baby. You need to talk to him, rooting through this bags etc is the road to madness - you'll be checking all the time, second-guessing yourself and generally not in a good state.

Set out your stall now and make it undoubtedly clear what your expectations of him are.

FFS OP

More drip feeds .
You post in AIBU, get told YABU , and still go on.

I am out.

A perfectly reasonable question to ask OP. Smoking is harmful and should not be done in the house, particularly where children are present. The effects of passive smoking are well know. I think, as others have stated, you would notice the smell if he had been smoking weed. Having said that, I do agree that it would be better to just speak to him.

You already know he smokes tobacco. So I'm not sure why that is an issue now if it wasn't before. If you don't want to be with someone who smokes weed then don't be. If you are worried about finances and him being unreliable or unfocused on your lives because he would rather pretend to be a teenager then that is a conversation you should have.

The internet doesn't know anything about your relationship and I will be forever boggled by people in committed relationships who can't have a simple conversation. What do you want for your life?

DH and I both took fun drugs when we were younger and carefree. If DH smoked weed now then I'd think he was childish. If he was lying about it then I'd be very angry.

I would question why he felt he had to lie. You speak about him going to work at a demanding job and that you have a baby on the way. I think moderate drug use (I include alcohol) is fine. If it impacts daily life then it isn't. Yes smoking is a waste of money but so is alcohol, manicures etc.

You're seen as controlling because you want to sneak through his possessions. What would you think if he started telling you not to have a glass of wine and went through your purse after a night out or shop to see if you spent any money on alcohol?