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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not as SIL to be DD or DS godmother?

32 replies

Sunnydays19 · 19/07/2018 08:01

We are thinking of getting our DS and DD christened. With my friend and my cousin as godmother for DD and my aunty and friend as DS godmother. In passing comment my MIL mentioned that my SIL would be godmother. Am I being unreasonable to not want her as her godmother. I feel like MIL expects her to be godmother even though we aren't close and she doesn't see or spend much time with DD atall.

OP posts:

flumpybear · 19/07/2018 08:03

I'm not religious at all but I'd have thought god parent was not already a close family member so I'd say no she's got the job of Aunty already

RiverTam · 19/07/2018 08:04

No. I don’t do family members as godparents. I’m an aunt and godparent to the same child and I never ever remember I’m her godparent.

Just say that to her. SIL is an auntie and that’s special in itself.

(I’m guessing you’re not actually that religious?)

Defnotunique · 19/07/2018 08:09

It's your choice. Ultimately - in the event that something should happen to you and your oh (heaven forbid) these are the people that you would be entrusting the care of your children with. So long as godparents know what thier responsibilities are I say go with what YOU and OH want. MILs can be interfering old bags at times, just set the record straight and tell them you have chosen your godparents and it isnt SIL. Let MIL sulk for a little while I'm sure she will get over it x

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2018 08:11

You have four godmothers who are either your friends or relatives. I4 might be nice for your DH if his family are represented. Who are the godfathers?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/07/2018 08:11

It might be nice.....!

Apresshampooing · 19/07/2018 08:12

Ultimately - in the event that something should happen to you and your oh (heaven forbid) these are the people that you would be entrusting the care of your children with

That's not true - it's a myth. The people you are entrusting your children with are those you state in your will. Godparents are completely irrelevant and have no legal standing.

thecatsthecats · 19/07/2018 08:19

Yes, I don't intend to have godparents, I'm not planning on leaving future children to fend for themselves!

All godparents are a gamble - it can mean a lot, they can be involved, they can become uninvolved. I've only just remembered I probably ought to invite mine to my wedding, as my mum gave me permission to distance myself from her when she started taking the god part seriously!

For once I would say that it's a nice thing to do to add SIL, but that's influenced by the fact I think it's a meaningless accolade really, and that it seems a pretty one sided one at the moment.

FittonTower · 19/07/2018 08:31

It's a religious position isn't it? Spirtual guidence and all that? If your friends are part of your church then that makes more sense than your SIL if she's not.

ExFury · 19/07/2018 08:34

Of the four godmothers there are none from your DH’s side? And you can’t use the no family line of you are having two relatives amongst them.

That's not true - it's a myth. The people you are entrusting your children with are those you state in your will. Godparents are completely irrelevant and have no legal standing.

That’s also a myth. You can’t will your children. You can leave your wishes known, but it doesn’t mean it’ll happen. A judge may take it into account in the event of a dispute, but it has no legal standing.

52FestiveRoad · 19/07/2018 08:35

in the event that something should happen to you and your oh (heaven forbid) these are the people that you would be entrusting the care of your children with.

No, they are supposed to support your child spiritually. It is a myth that they are meant to care for your children if you die.

BadMoodBetty · 19/07/2018 08:37

Ultimately - in the event that something should happen to you and your oh (heaven forbid) these are the people that you would be entrusting the care of your children with. So long as godparents know what thier responsibilities are I say go with what YOU and OH want

Godparents are there to be a spiritual guide and aid in the religious journey for your children. To be a listening ear, look out for them etc.

It's not like in a wedding when you sign the marriage certificate and it's a legal contract. Guardianship of your children isn't anything to do with baptism.

Yanbu to not choose SIL.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 19/07/2018 08:40

None of my dc godparents have much to do with them really. We chose them because they were friends of ours.

Do you like SIL? It might be a nice thing to do?

CluedoAddict · 19/07/2018 08:42

Why is it only your friends and family and not your DH's?

twoshedsjackson · 19/07/2018 08:43

When I was asked to be a godmother, I was expected to attend a "preparation for the christening" event, emphasising what the godparenting role entails. I cheerfully went along - to my regular church, where I appeared in some of the pics in the presentation about church life which we all watched..... Ask MIL, is it because SIL is a committed Christian and she would be a good spiritual mentor, or is it that old favourite, "It would be nice"

Mammyofasuperbaby · 19/07/2018 08:45

We have chosen my then 15 year old sister to be ds's god mother because she is caring, wise, intellectual, believes in equality, diversity, ect and is generally the kind of person we want DS to be. We didn't choose Sil be because she is selfish, argumentative, bitchy and verbally abusive to her family and not someone we wanted to be an influence on ds (dps own words) We didn't choose for religious reasons but rather who could help DS become a well rounded adult.
Yanbu provided that the reasons you chose the other people are based on sound observations and not just preference for your onlwn family

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 19/07/2018 08:50

Agree with others it does stand out that all 4 of the people chosen are from your family and friends. She probable mentioned SIL so that DH feels like he has been represented in choosing a Godparent for his child from his side of the family.

JennyCloud · 19/07/2018 08:53

Why do people have godparents and christenings if they're not religious?

It's just pointless.

Iloveacurry · 19/07/2018 08:55

It’s really up to you who you have as godparents, not MIL isn’t it?

52FestiveRoad · 19/07/2018 08:59

We had GP's from only my side of the family, as we are the religious side, and DH's family are not at all. It would have been pointless choosing one of them for spiritual guidance, we would only be doing it to make things 'fair'. So we didn't. Maybe that is also the case in the OPs family.

HeddaGarbled · 19/07/2018 09:04

This is something you should be discussing with your H. It does look very biased towards your side of the family, so I think your MIL has a point.

RiverTam · 19/07/2018 09:04

The godmothers are from the Op’s Family. She hasn’t mentioned the godfathers. Maybe her DH doesn’t have any close female friends? DD’s godmothers are my two best friends and her godfather is a close friend of DH.

bumfloss · 19/07/2018 09:05

This is part of the reason we haven't yet had ours christened - we'd never end up with who we wanted to be godparents because everyone and sundry would put their 2 pence worth in and get the hump if we didn't pick certain people (sil). It really doesn't mean anything in this day and age I don't think so we're putting it off for now

Padparadscha · 19/07/2018 09:05

It's just pointless

Annoyingly, it’s not pointless for the church, they get to claim another ‘number’ which makes it seem there are more religious people around than there actually are. However that’s a different discussion.

Op, have whoever is going to be following the roll as closely as possible. That is giving guidance in the religious way. If it’s just a case of ‘doing it for a nice day’, may I suggest a naming ceremony instead. Humanist ceremonies are available.

Padparadscha · 19/07/2018 09:07

That should be role, not roll. I fancy a sandwich now though.....

Trunkisareshite · 19/07/2018 09:12

ExFury, it is true re guardianship however the guardian doesn’t have to accept the appointment which is why you should discuss this before making a Will.

It isn’t ‘willing’ your children and it is different wording within the document to possessions specifically relating to guardianship. It is also wise to have substitute guardians just in case. Guardianship begins at the point of death and ends at 18.

But yes Godparents is a total myth that gets trotted out, I’m always baffled by people who believe this and have different GP for each child- if this were true you’d be splitting your kids up on top of leaving them orphaned!

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