AIBU to not want to be the better person?

[blackbirdbluebottle]

I’m seeing lots of threads on here that say to the OP you should be the better person, when OP has been messed around or hard done by the other person. Why does the person who gets messed around have to be better than the other person? AIBU to not want to be the better person? Ps I’m probably gonna get loads of abuse for this so please don’t be too harsh

It’s tiresome being the better person all the time. In court when I was dealing with my abusive ex I got so pissed off being told by people to be the bigger person all the time- I have always been the grown up and he gets to tit around taking the piss and wasting everyone’s time so that on the rare occasion he’s actually not a dick everyone practically slaps him on the back and says well done.

Sorry for the rant OP I do agree with you on a wishful thinking level though.

@FuckMePinkAndCallMeCedric that’s awful :( I also see this a lot with kids, like one kid will get bullied by another kid and people tell the victim to be the better person and rise above it.. how is this still allowed?

Because by taking the moral high ground you won’t have anything to reproach yourself with later.

It also means the other person can’t say “well I may have done X but you did Y!”

Finally in my experience taking the moral high ground in the face of someone elses’s bad behaviour makes them feel worse as your good behaviour highlights to them and everyone else just how awful they were.

Being the better person doesn’t mean being a doormat though. You can behave well and still stand up for yourself.

God yes, you're right. It's so draining.

I think it starts to affect your mental health when you do it for years on end. IME, if you speak up, invariably, you're the unreasonable one.

Jesus I hate this, for years I’ve been the ‘better person’ not rising to a certain persons bullshit.
One day I’d had enough, snapped, pushed to the edge.
I said some absolutely a-class put downs and name called with each other Word a swear.

I still got bullshit for not continuing my act of the ‘better person’
For finally speaking up,
For giving him a taste ofHis own medicine.

He hates it and I can hear him spitting with rage which I love.

I always tell people to retain their dignity. There is no merit in facebook rants/school gate screaming matches/sending snide letters etc etc.

Never heard anyone suggest this. Have heard people suggest assertiveness (but not aggression), or setting “boundaries”.

To use a personal example:

My DD was being bullied, another girl was calling her vile names, telling the others to exclude her etc.

My DD could have shouted nasty names back, she could have tried to win the other girls to her side by being horrible about the bully.

Instead she told the Bully that her names and comments were completely unacceptable and were bullying. In front of the other girls she said that if they chose to exclude her that was fine as she didn’t choose to associate with bullying behaviour anyway and would find someone nice to play with. Then she smiled, tossed her head and marched off across the playground.

So she remains the better person and in the right but without indulging in any behaviour she could be criticised for if the story was relayed to a teacher.

I know how you feel, I'm in a bit of a 'being the better person' situation at the moment and it's wearing.

Yes, are you assuming that “being the better person” means being passive when treated badly? Because that’s not “better” it’s just passive.

I don't think people should let themselves be walked all over, but otoh if nobody chooses to be the better person it's just a race to the bottom and utter chaos isn't it.

Mind you, in most of these examples, you can stand up for yourself and still be the far better person in comparison to a bullying or abusive shitbag.

It's very tempting to lower oneself just show the other person what's what but it isn't worth embarrassing yourself. Being the better person doesn't mean treating the other person better or not defebding yourself, it means litteraly being better than the other person hence not needing to prove anything to anyone. I have no insecurities but a very strong impulse to snap back at people. I do my best not to embarrass myself by giving into it instead I try to accept that I have some less worthy people in my life with as much grace as I can muster (not much).

I do understand your frustration but I've always found it more beneficial to completely disengage. People looking for drama and chaos will always find it, let them look elsewhere.

I think it depends on the situation. @AmazingPostVoices that would definitely make me glad I'm the better person, and I wish I had that character, your DD sounds like a daughter to be proud of. But on the other hand I had an abusive ex, and I'm glad I decided not to be the bigger person and got some serious revenge, I know it was lowering my morals but my god he deserved everything he got and my only regret is deciding to not go as far as many of my friends would have liked me to!

You can be the bigger person but not roll over.

My exh new girlfriend (of 6 weeks) sent me a load of shit on Facebook the other week. I didn't roll over and take. I pointed out that as a grown woman she should know better than to believe everything a man tells her about his ex wife. I also pointed out that I have no interest in trying to get back together with a man who thinks sexually assaulting his wife is ok and sent the the screen shots of the text messages where he apologised for it.

She didn't message back. Sinking to her level would have been me insulting her appearance, the fact that she was ok with being inserted into my kids lives so quickly that they dislike her and no longer want to go to their dad's, corrected her spelling and generally called her all the names under the sun.

All this stuff about being embarrassed or looking back and regretting doesn't really apply for me personally. I hate looking back seeing stuff where I could have said something. Personally I think providing you aren’t breaking the law then you shouldn’t have to be the better person just because someone tells you, do what you want'

Stops you becoming bitter Maybe? Totally depends on the situation though

I think you should, ideally, do as the poster above's daughter did in the playground. Way to go, girl. So, you call the behaviour for what it is, say "I don't accept that". Toss hair and walk off. I want to be your daughter PP, you have done a great job 😂

It’s not a moral thing for me, I just want to know that o wouldn’t stoop to their depths.
What goes around comes around so I generally want to feel ok with how I behave / speak.

Velociraptor It sounds like you have had a very hard time of it. I hope you are in a better place now.

Blackbird I think the point I’m trying to make it that taking the moral high ground doesn’t mean “saying nothing” at all. It means being assertive in setting boundaries while staying in control.

It’s easier said than done though.

Ps I’m probably gonna get loads of abuse for this so please don’t be too harsh
dont guilt trip me into being nice maybe ill be harsh just because you said that i mean why would i want to be the bigger person