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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this friend toxic?

18 replies

Peace425 · 18/07/2018 12:52

I've been friends with a school Mum for three years as our DS's went up from pre-school together. She comes across as being very lovely, generous, friendly, sociable, etc. I enjoy our time together but I've been noticing behaviours that are starting to stress me out.

She seems bothered if I have other friends and immediately has to befriend anyone new that I get close with. However, she's also quite secretive about her own friendships at the same time. I've noticed that she will actively hide the fact that she is seeing a Mum I know or mutual friend - or even hide that she is quite friendly with someone else.

I'm starting to dread letting me know that I'm getting friendly with other Mums because she swoops in and will then arrange stuff with them without me.

She also copies me quite a lot - Her DS has to do any extra-curriculum activity mine does, and she seems bothered if mine can do something hers can't. She copies clothes and shoes my DS wears.

I don't feel like this about any of my other friends, just her. When I've spent time with her I often come away feeling quite stressed out.

Anyone shed light on this kind of behaviour?

It's going to be difficult for me to pull away from her as she seems to be friendly with everyone - she seems the type that may then exclude me from those friendships if there was any bad feeling between us.

OP posts:

happypoobum · 18/07/2018 12:58

I think you need to invent a job/past time that will make it very difficult for you to communicate with her/socialise with her. A working from home job maybe?

She sounds like trouble...

LuvMyBubbles · 18/07/2018 13:00

Yes toxic

RoseWhiteTips · 18/07/2018 13:01

Sounds odd - to say the least.

witchofzog · 18/07/2018 13:04

She has Wendy potential. I would reduce contact

Original poster

Peace425 · 18/07/2018 13:05

Unfortunately we are in some mutual friendship groups. If I pull away, I will probably not be invited to take part in these outings. There are other women in the group who are really nice, that I would still want to be friends with - but I can't see how that would work without being in touch with this friend.

I'm a SAHM so I have no other way to meet friends - they are all women I know through the school run / my DS's friends.

Can anyone shed light on what is going on in her head?

OP posts:

Original poster

Peace425 · 18/07/2018 13:05

witchofzog - What is Wendy? Thanks x

OP posts:

Anon12345ABC · 18/07/2018 13:07

Not a friend. Real friends don't act like this. I wouldn't tell her what my DC was doing or where I bought tnings from now on and I'd be polite but vague. I wouldn't make plans outside of school with just her either. She clearly has too much time on her hands if she pulls this crap.

Anon12345ABC · 18/07/2018 13:10

Do things as a group still, but don't engage on 1 to 1s.

A Wendy is someone who isolates the friend who introduced her to their friends. So if you were friends with X and you introduced X to Wendy, then Wendy gets pally with X and they leave you out and X is no longer your friend, you have been Wendied.

I pulled back from 1 person in a group as she was being a cow. I was subsequently left out of the group as a result. Unfortunately 1 person often had the power with these things.

Raver84 · 18/07/2018 13:11

Had a very similar situation and I did stop talking to her and the entire group in fact. Those who are your real friends will still talk to you. It's hard when your a sahm as it csn be lonley could you go to any groups to make new friends do you have a younger one to take out? I found getting a job helped as I made so many friends at work I don't give the school mums a second thought. This happened in year r and now in year 3 we still don't talk but honestly I don't care.

Original poster

Peace425 · 18/07/2018 13:35

Yes she is possibly a Wendy then. Today she found out that one of the school Mums' sons goes to the same football club. I could see from the look on her face that she was not happy with that. She then enquired about her son starting the same team, and started talking about being friendly with this other Mum (even though she's had no interested in her previously).

I know from previous experience that the next thing that happens is that she will be inviting that friend out and keeping quiet about it.

OP posts:

ConciseandNice · 18/07/2018 13:41

Why are people so damn weird?!! This is just strange behaviour. Try if you can to limit contact with her.

bringincrazyback · 18/07/2018 13:44

She sounds weird and immature.

KC225 · 18/07/2018 13:47

I think you need to limit the time you spend with her. They to cut down on the one to ones. Always be in a rush at the end of clubs and school run.

Reply quickly to texts from her with a 'busy but hope you are well'. Acknowledge her text but promise nothing.

Nothing stop you arranging a few meets without her.

PaulRuddislush · 18/07/2018 13:54

She sounds very insecure and uncomfortable with her own choices and decisions so latches on to other people for validation, I think calling her toxic is harsh and unnecessary.

You're an adult, if her company stresses you out don't spend time with her. As for others in the group, make your own plans with them and if they "side" with her then they're not worth knowing anyway.

nearlyfiftyjeez · 18/07/2018 13:54

Nicely reduce the contact but keep on good terms. Spread your wings with new friendships outside of school via book clubs, classes etc. Nothing good comes from these toxic friendships. As pp said just make your excuses and then cut back

Rudgie47 · 18/07/2018 14:01

I'd just be polite but very busy and make something up like your doing something at home work wise or your busy with extended family, or an upcoming event etc.
Then hopefully things will naturally just drift and fizzle out.
If you distance yourself from her and other women dont want to be friendly then they were never proper friends anyway. I'd just leave this silly woman to it. She sounds really childish.

Heyeeee · 18/07/2018 14:03

Yep she's toxic.

Smile when you see her physically - by accident in the street or in a group. Hello. How are you. Volunteer no personal information. Then move on quickly!

Be "busy" when she texts to meet. Never agree to meet 1 to 1. Delay text responses for a day or more. She'll get the message.

No need for confrontation. Distance, distance, distance - a firm withdrawal. She'll get the message but at least you can both pretend to be civil when you meet.

newlabelwriter · 18/07/2018 14:04

I have one of these and it's really hard work. I've just sort of backed off in a gradual way, not making myself available and made a point of not telling her what and where I was up to. I did find at first it was quite awkward but she did eventually get the message. Thankfully she's moving away

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