Just wish he would ring me every now and then

[Bugsareinthebrook]

My Dad is a bit of a narcissist and always has been - the world revolves around him even when my mum was seriously ill. I have always had to make all the contact- I don’t even get a phone call on my birthday. When my mum was dying in hospital I wasn’t phoned - I got a text. I live about two hours away for context. Mum died six months ago and I still do all the phoning and visiting. And I get it - he has lost his wife of 45 years... I am quite ill at the moment - life long chronic illness type ill. He knows this and he still doesn’t bother with me. I usually call every week but didn’t call last week - it took me all my time to get up in the morning and I can’t cope with the emotional drain every time I call him. Yet if I don’t call him he puts the emotional blackmail on and turns it al to himself. I do totally get it- he is lonely and upset but I just wish he would care every now and then! I am prepared to be flamed about how selfish I am .,,.,

You're not selfish. It must be distressing for you.

You're not selfish. I'm really sorry for your loss and that you now have this going on.

I've been through a similar set of circumstances. I no longer have contact with my father. It was not an easy decision, and it hurt at first, but for me it was the right decision. He had an exceptionally long time to ever show any sign of caring for me, much less loving me, and did not care about losing me. Which confirmed to me it was the right decision.

Life is too short and too precious, and filled with enough pain and stress, without keeping toxic people involved in our lives when all they contribute is to cause pain, distress, and aggravation.

For contrast, when my grandfather lost his wife of a fair bit more than 45 years he took the time to make sure I was coping and to offer support to me, and to maintain contact and our relationship.

That's what people who love us do. They sure as hell don't use emotional blackmail to manipulate us when we're grieving. There is no excuse for that. None.

You're not in the wrong here, and I'm sorry you're going through this. I really am.

Thank you. It’s mums 6 month anniversary this week and feeling low because of health. I will be in the wrong because I haven’t called him and I know he will be upset and I just can’t cope with it. I know that’s selfish. I haven’t forgiven him about the way he treated me when she died.
Wish he was a bit more like your grandad- grief in families should be a two way process where you look after each other but he doesn’t seem to want to do that.
I was going to call tonight but don’t think I have the energy.

Bugs he's shown you who he is time and time again. No matter what you do, he's never going to care for you or bother about you because his only though is to care abut himself. In his eyes, he's the only one who is important and that isn't going to change.

If he's hurt that you didn't ring, that's only because by not ringing you haven't acknowledged that he is the Most Important Person in the World.

I know it really hurts to have to face that, but try. Remember that whatever he does, he can only upset you if you let him.

I'm sorry about your mum. If you need support this week, we're here.

I guess that I am just looking for some affirmation that I’m not wrong by not calling. I know that I am in control of how he makes me feel- I’ve even had counselling as this has been going on for years- not just since Mum died. I guess that 40 odd years of brainwashing is doing its job though and making me feel guilty when I feel low.

Thank you for confirming that x