Birthday present snubbing

[Crackingupatwork]

Name changed because the situation may be recognisable.

It's an in law one. I am going to keep it brief.

My father and step mother in law buy birthday gifts for every family member, including in laws, except my sister in law (husband brothers wife).

This has been the case, apparently, for the full 13 years they have been together. Subsequent to this for the last 6/7 years or so SIL and her husband (also the step son of MIL) have not acknowledged MILs birthday. I didn't even know this was the case until last month when for some reason it became a topic of hot debate between the rest of the family (4 children in all two of which are MILs). Everybody agrees the version of events that SIL birthday was never acknowledged, then BIL and SIL stopped acknowledging MILs even though they used to.

My feelings are thus- It's a unfair that FIL gets off scot-free just because he is the type of man that doesn't ever think of birthdays and leaves it all to the wife but other than that -shrug-.

Apparently my feelings are not strong enough and I should be condemning BIL and SIL and going NC at the very least (this wouldn't be a great stretch as we don't see much of any of them). Nobody else seems to give a shit about the one part I do which is why FIL isn't being held to account as well. DH couldn't care less and is just nodding at everybody involved. I am on the verge of telling them all to go and fuck themselves as they keep fucking mithering me about it despite never giving a toss about my opinion on anything else ever. The "they" is the rest of the family, SIL has had one conversation with me about it and then gone back to being pleasantly disengaged, which is how I like it.

AIBU to think that if this has gone on for over half a decade then everybody should stop speaking to me about it leave well enough alone?

Fucking hell that wasn't brief.

I am confused, so SIL never got presents so after a few years she stopped buying them for SMIL, now SMIL wants everyone to go NC with SIL?

Crikey is she always so controlling?

Sounds like SIL brought MIL gifts out of duty and then stopped - probably leaving it to BIL to sort if he so chose - he chose not too

So yes FIL and BIL play and equal part

However it has been and never will be any of your business and you should tell them all to sod off

Yes I would just ignore the whole thing.

It's not really SMIL who is motivating the whole thing but her children, actually it's mainly her sons wife.

I get the impression SMIL is very much enjoying her new found victim status and wishes she had cashed in on it some time ago.

No-present SIL and BIL's DD is having an event/party and apparently the family line is to give a card to DD with money, attend the event but not go to the after party. Now this is a pain in the arse for me as this is what we were intending to do anyway (as is standard practice for us) but now we will look like we are snubbing if we don't go but if we do we will have "picked sides" by acting out of character.

I just want to smash my head into a fucking wall because I am being drawn into it no matter what I fucking do. DH, whose family are the ones behaving like kids, thinks it's all funny and has said we can do what I want. I hate him.

Just do exactly what you would have done if there were no dispute

Sorry posted too soon. I meant to add, you can’t win either way so prioritise your own convenience

Do what you normally do with a text to SIL saying you're not taking sides.

@ProudThrilledHappy

You're absolutely right, there is no reason to change anything. DN doesn't care if I am there or not as long as there is money in her card (I mean that in the nicest possible way, we just aren't close).

They probably picked up on the fact I was kind of siding with SIL which is why they have all suddenly developed a need to share their feelings with me. It was my own fault.

I hate family drama, some people need conflict to survive. I find a blank stare and “I’d prefer not to get involved in your personal dispute” works, it places the stress firmly where it belongs - at the drama queen’s feet.
See how you are saying “it’s my fault”? You are now blaming yourself for someone else’s issues, they are already working on you. RESIST the emotional baggage!

@ProudThrilledHappy

That's why I am saying it's my fault, they managed to nearly drag me in! Luckily I came here first and had some sense talked into me.

As you can probably tell this isn't the first ridiculous spat they have had.

Yeah, you're screwed whatever you do here, so just do what you were going to do in the first place, OP.

I recently found out I'm on a great aunt's shitlist and have been for 3 years apparently. Totally oblivious to it, I don't see or communicate with her except at weddings and funerals and I let my mother's reports of family gossip in one ear and out the other.

A couple of months ago I was back in the UK for a family celebration and I was chatting away to this same aunt and some other relatives at their table all unaware there was anything up until I mentioned to my mother later that Auntie Dot was surprisingly quiet for her, just yes, no and fine was about all she'd said.

"Well, she's not talking to you, is she? After you took our Sheila's side that time."

"What time? Side about what? who the fuck is Sheila?"

At ourJackie's wedding - when you were standing at the bar talking to Sheila. Our Dot saw you and she's never forgiven you."

Families. Fucking batshit the lot of them, I tell you.

Hahaha Elemental - your Aunt not talking to you for conversing with Sheila at a wedding and you don't even know Sheila is and hadn't noticed your Aunt wasn't talking to you for 3 years.

Now that is the way to handle family drama.

elemental that's brilliant!

I was once asked, by 2 warring friends, to pick a side. I told them both to do one, that our friendships were over, and to give my head peace, regarding their stupid, childish behaviour.

I can't be arsed with that kind of childish carry on. Does my head in, because I left the bloody playground over 20 years ago.

Some people never grow up though.

Well if it was your SIL who was doing the present buying for the ILs, who can blame her if she was being forgotten on her birthday?

I think I would stop buying the SMIL presents too.

Why would they completely ignore SIL birthday and expect her or her DH yo get Smile present? Do they do Christmas presents?

I very much give to receive, no matter how wrong that is. I don't know why I should spend my hard earned cash on someone who wouldn't do the same for me. I'm with your SIL.
Why don't you just tell them all you don't give a shit?