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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that life is just not fair?

20 replies

julygirl11 · 17/07/2018 16:30

Name changed.

I don't know if 'm being a bit dramatic but I am so angry/upset.

I am married (divorce pending) and in my 20s so we had no children or anything. About 18 months ago he left me for someone else. We still co own our property and he has asked to buy me out rather than sell. I lost all of our mutual friends, his family who I was very close to, my job due to finding it all very difficult, and how I set to lose my place on the property ladder.

AIBU to think that life is just so unjust, two people can destroy another persons life and come out unscathed?! Owning two properties between them and living the high life whilst I've been left in debt, not on the property ladder, with no family or friends?

Aibu to ask how to stop feeling like this and just pick myself up and get on with it? Grrrr sorry I just can't understand how I literally did nothing wrong and yet I'm the one that loses everything :(

OP posts:

LovelyBath77 · 17/07/2018 16:41

Could you use the money for a deposit on a new place? Sorry to hear.

MsVestibule · 17/07/2018 16:46

No, of course life is not fair! But this is the position you're in. Is there enough equity in the house for you to buy another property for you to live in? Or can you afford to buy him out instead?

AssassinatedBeauty · 17/07/2018 16:49

Do you have to agree to him buying you out? Could you afford a smaller property on your own, or maybe with a lodger?

I'm sorry about all the shit stuff that has followed on from you husband deciding to leave you. Life is sadly not ever going to be fair, things like this can always happen to anyone. It's not your fault.

Tbh if you lost friends over this, they weren't good friends if they would side with him. Not that it helps right now, but in the future you've got the chance to find truer friends.

MsVestibule · 17/07/2018 16:49

I realise that sounds a little unsympathetic, perhaps I shouldn't have taken your thread title quite as literally!

I know it all feels shit at the moment. My DH's first wife left him for another man and he was heartbroken. Four years later, I was pregnant with his first child and she was just a distant memory. You will get through this, I pinky promise.

wink1970 · 17/07/2018 16:55

You're in a much better position than most. Think of the positives:

You're young and can start again if you want to, somewhere new with someone new (and better)
You don't have the 'baggage' of children (this is meant tongue in cheek of course)
you will have some money to put towards a new house ..... which you can make your own
If you lost mutual friends, they aren't worth it & it creates space for new ones.

It probably seems a bit rubbish at the moment, but it will get better.

Storm4star · 17/07/2018 17:08

On a wider scale, it is often helpful to accept that life isn't fair. Because focusing on unfairness can grind you down. You end up asking "why me" and "what did I do to deserve this" etc and those thoughts alone can make you feel hopeless. You're not being dramatic, you have every right to be upset and angry. But those feelings are hurting you, not them.

Life isn't fair but, it is also ever changing and full of opportunities. You say he left you for someone else? Am I right in thinking he cheated? In which case she's got herself a guy who cheated on his wife. Not the greatest foundation for a relationship. And, as a pp said, these friends clearly weren't good friends if they sided with him.

Instead of mourning your old life, think about what you would like your new life to be going forward and how you can make that happen. i don't want to at all minimise what you're going through but you are still in your 20s, you have so much time to pursue anything you want to do.

Angrybird345 · 17/07/2018 17:19

Can’t you take in the mortgage and buy him out?

Fuckwithnosensesauce · 17/07/2018 17:21

Don’t sell your share or move out.

MadMags · 17/07/2018 17:23

We are in charge of our own lives, is what I think. We make our own luck.

I don’t say this to be unsympathetic, of course it’s shit!

But his family are not your family so you haven’t really lost them. Have they given any indication that they want to cut contact with you?

If your friends are gone, they weren’t your friends. Make some friends that are just yours or reconnect with people from before him.

Your job. Well, sorry, but that’s on you! Have you been trying to get back to the work force? Hopefully with a relatively short break you’ll be in something new soon.

The property ladder - why is he buying you out? You don’t have to agree to that. Will you have enough to get a flat or something else?

I’m not trying to be harsh, I swear. But you’re young, you’re healthy, and you won’t be left penniless. That’s plenty to build a new life with.

Pickleypickles · 17/07/2018 17:28

Life is unfair OP. Dwelling on life being unfair isn't helpful though. Try to focus less on why it's shit and more on why it's not even it's little things like having a nice bath, buying a good book etc. And remember everyone has times where everything is shit and feels like it will be forever but they also have great times. You have many more great times to look forward to.

MrsBobDylan · 17/07/2018 18:23

Thank your lucky stars he showed his lack of commitment to your marriage while you can still start over and have a chance at a great life.

Then get some counselling to work out what attracted you to a man who will to commit to a lifetime of marriage then runs off with someone else. Do everything you can to find the right partner for you and then live happily ever after.

It really, really hurts right now but in time you will think of him and breathe a massive sign of relief that he freed you up to discover a new, fabulous life.

MrsBobDylan · 17/07/2018 18:24

Sigh not sign...

NotAnotherUserName5 · 17/07/2018 18:26

Better than being with the wrong person.

You are still young enough to pick yourself up and start again. Plenty of time to get back on the ladder.
Don’t focus on what he has.

headinhands · 17/07/2018 18:34

Gosh op. I'm envious that you got to this age without feeling this way.

You have so much to be grateful for. You're in one of the richest countries in the world. Regardless of this horrid horrid experience you will recover and go on to make a nice life for yourself.

I honestly don't mean that to sound judges or anything!

seven201 · 17/07/2018 19:42

I think you need to get some perspective. You're healthy and young. You will be able to buy again. People have been through a lot worse than you. In a year or so you'll look back and be glad that you're not with him any more.

TacoLover · 17/07/2018 19:45

Forgive me but what has your husband actually done wrong? They aren't good circumstances but it's not like the world has ended.

NewYearNewMe18 · 17/07/2018 20:03

Fuckwithnosensesauce Tue 17-Jul-18 17:21:27
Don’t sell your share or move out.

And what do you suggest ?

Stars1979 · 17/07/2018 20:40

It’s so hard, I was in a similar position as you. I was with my fiancé for 14 years. Had saved and bought a house only for 18 months later for him to have an affair and leave. House had to be sold. Luckily hadn’t married and no kids. I was 31 years old and it was so hard. Our house in market and offer within 2 weeks. I asked for a career break from my job - refused so took voluntary refundable a year later and took off travelling at 32 years old and absolutely loved it. I had to learn to be by myself again but I definitely decided I wasn’t going to let my ex partner destroy my life. He sent me a note when he took his stuff from the property saying I’m sorry I fucked up your life. Well I knew he hadn’t although I was heartbroken and had no clue how to go about building myself back up. But I did. Loved travelling. Came back. I did worry about ever having children as I was in my 30s and wasn’t even in a relationship but knew I needed alone time. You are younger so have time on your side even if you don’t feel like it. I then married at 37 after seeing someone for a few years and now have a 5 month old daughter, had her when I was 38 years old. Things will work out. Be glad this person who didn’t deserve you showed his true colours now. I was gutted about selling the house and still rent now and I still feel rubbish about that a bit but not overly. I loved that house but it was a house I bought with my ex so glad it was sold in the end. Good luck be kind to yourself and treat yourself to some things you want to do. Best wishes. Who knows what your life will be like in 5 or 10 years time. Very different I’m sure for the better.

Stars1979 · 17/07/2018 20:41

By the way I had to walk away from my ex family. We were so close and they wanted to stay in touch but I found it too painful so it may be not be so bad that you aren’t in touch with them anymore although difficult for you. As for the friends stuff them!

Bouledeneige · 17/07/2018 20:45

Well you know - there are a lot of people who have been through a lot worse and maybe carried on working and got on with life.

Get angry and grumpy, have a rant then move on. Your life, your choices now. Better this happened now than with a young family and lots more messes. You'll be all right - like lots of us on here who have pulled ourselves up by the bootstraps - doing it all by ourselves.

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