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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a wedding present from in-laws

28 replies

OrangeMarshmellows · 17/07/2018 14:14

So, Me and DH got married in January, my first marriage his second. Before the wedding, they told my DH that they wouldn't be able to give us a wedding present straight away as were skint and waiting until MILs next pay day. Fair enough, didn't think much of it other than, I don't want a huge present or loads of money but a card and a token thoughtful gift would be nice.
Anyway, their dog had puppies which they sold in February - 5 of them at £400 each. MIL then text me to say they had just booked a holiday for the 3 of them (BIL goes too) to Cuba in August!!

Annoyed me but again not overly, until, their anniversary was a few weeks ago, we got them tickets to a show and a bottle of baileys as they both drink it. We were at their house and FIL said, out loud 'you could have at least got us a bottle each so we don't have to share'!!

And it annoyed me so much, like you couldn't even be bothered to get us anything for our wedding (and our daughter who was born 5 years ago - but that's a whole other story) and you have the cheek to moan that we got you one bottle of baileys!

So AIBU to feel a bit miffed about this. Its not about the present exactly, more the complete lack of thought. They didn't help with the wedding at all in the first instance, which is fine, but is the reason I didn't give parent gifts out at the ceremony as I couldn't do the same for them as my parents who helped both financially and with their actual time.

A cousin of mine was really skint at the time (one of my bridesmaids) and she got us this beautiful little cushion (which cant have cost much) that I absolutely love as its so thoughtful.

OP posts:
SilverPartyShoes · 17/07/2018 14:17

My in laws gave us £20. Mil flower basket cost more than that.
Fil also once complained that beautiful country floral flowers I’d chosen to make a bouquet at a florist, werent good enough for mil, I’d have been better off at the supermarket.
They were gorgeous flowers..

SilverPartyShoes · 17/07/2018 14:18

I can empathise

SilverPartyShoes · 17/07/2018 14:19

Oh, I gave mil basket, ( they did nothing for wedding to help) only because I wanted to get my mum a lovely thank you basket

CointreauVersial · 17/07/2018 14:21

They probably just forgot, but they do sound a bit thoughtless. They are who they are.

IsabelleSE19 · 17/07/2018 14:24

I was all ready to say YABU, but after I read what they said about your present to them, YA definitely NBU!

ballseditupagain · 17/07/2018 14:24

Do you know I'm not sure my in laws gave us a present. I do t remember what it was if they did.

chickedychicked · 17/07/2018 14:25

my parents got my exDH a lovely expensive watch as a wedding present, they have me £20. Irony is that they are loaded and my parents quite poor in comparison.
Funny thing is now we're divorced they absolutely love me Grin

PinkDaffodil2 · 17/07/2018 14:30

That does sound a bit thoughtless of them. I empathise, massively outing but my in laws got us a framed picture of Jesus. That’s it. If they thought I was at all religious it would have been fine, but this was after years of shit and nastyness from them because their precious son (lapsed, not church going!) was marrying an atheist. They bought it from the airport on holiday the week before the wedding and we’re not going to give us anything. Still not sure if this was an improvement or not on zilch, it wasn’t thoughtlessness but maybe just spite from MIL or maybe FIL so embarrassed and trying to get anything that she’s agree with.
Jesus sits on top of our shelves with old trophies and the bottles of spirits too tall to fit in the shelves, so is doing alright.
Sorry for ranting on your thread op

CaledonianQueen · 17/07/2018 14:33

Don’t buy them anymore presents or cards, if they complain, say that you are skint and that you need to wait until pay day, then book a holiday yourself......ok that’s maybe passive aggressive. Don’t do that 🙃

You will be told here that you have no right to expect a present. I do understand your feeling hurt though as cards are so chea these days and it’s the thought that counts. It sounds like they are selfish people who feel the right to demand more from you and your dh gift wise, yet can’t even be bothered to buy their son and yourself a congratulations card on your Wedding Day.

I would have a talk to your dh, suggest that you have a chat with his parents and let them know, that you have decided not to give gifts (you can add cards if you choose to) to them anymore. I would tell them that you know that they must feel awful, being unable to afford to buy you gifts. That your dd is getting to the age where she will notice that they don’t give gifts and you don’t want to cause any embarrassment. So you will just swap cards/buy a card/ stop swapping gifts, as you know how difficult it is struggling for money.

If you do that, it removes any expectation followed by disappointment and resentment. They may actually start buying your dd gifts, especially if they realise that their granddaughter will realise they have not bought her a gift. You could suggest that they not bother with gifts your dh and you and just buy your dd a gift.

blackbirdbluebottle · 17/07/2018 14:36

YANBU they should have given you a card! I wouldn’t give them any presents from now on and if they say anything just say that you only give gift to people who are grateful!

youknowwherethecityis · 17/07/2018 14:39

Stop buying them anything. It's nothing to do with money because they aren't skint now - it's to do with them not being arsed and just being CFs.

SandyY2K · 17/07/2018 14:40

you could have at least got us a bottle each so we don't have to share'!!

Very cheeky. You sure he wasn't joking?

Original poster
OrangeMarshmellows · 17/07/2018 14:42

Not just my in laws then haha.

I think its annoyed me more because we don't have a strained relationship, we get on really well, we visit them every weekend. They are a different breed of people to my family and I don't agree with some things they do/believe (swearing in front of kids etc) but I pick my battles.

But yeah, it upset me a little.

OP posts:
snowgirl1 · 17/07/2018 14:44

CaledonianQueen's idea is good Grin.

Original poster
OrangeMarshmellows · 17/07/2018 14:46

@SandyY2K

Unfortunately not, he's not the nicest person in the world.

I have only broached the subject with DH twice, when they booked the holiday, and when FIL said that. He doesn't really say much but to be honest I think he's a bit embarrassed by it.

Most of the time we give them cash for birthdays and xmas- which I HATE doing - so I always try and think of something thoughtful, hence the tickets and baileys.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 17/07/2018 14:53

oh the cheek to not buy you anything at all for your wedding and then complain about what you bought them!

IrmaFayLear · 17/07/2018 14:58

I love the picture of Jesus present!

Pil gave us a strange urn thing. They gave bil and sil the exact same urn. Then the following Christmas gave us exactly the same urn again. They'd obviously got a 3 for 2! The utter cheapskates...

TheMonkeyMummy · 17/07/2018 15:07

My in laws didn't offer to do anything in the lead up to the wedding, my MIL wore white and for a present we were given two (cheap and tatty) champagne flutes.

The cheap gifts have continued (despite me even saying on more than one occasion that waterstones vouchers would be very appreciated than an enormous pile of plastic tat)

And yes, we get along well enough. Not super duper close but we Whatsapp regularly and see each other a few times a year.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 17/07/2018 15:11

That is thoughtless of them and I understand why you're miffed. In future don't spend so much on them, a card will do.

HazelBite · 17/07/2018 15:12

My Pils did not even come to our wedding, let alone buy us a present!

diddl · 17/07/2018 15:14

If they don't want to get anything then it's up to them-odd to say that they would though.

FIL was very rude about what you got them.

I wouldn't make any effort in future.

Who was it who thought of the tickets/Baileys & organised them?

SchrodingersCaterpillar · 17/07/2018 15:16

You’re not being unreasonable at all, what selfish and thoughtless behaviour on their part. Doesn’t seem uncommon sadly. My in laws told us what they wanted to gift us then never bothered to actually buy it. Spent under £5 when first grandchild arrived. They are tight as a snapper’s arsehole with their kids yet I’ve never seen MIL in the same outfit and handbag twice, and they manage several holidays a year.

Bluelady · 17/07/2018 15:18

I reckon the comment about the Baileys was intended as a joke, not very funny though. Coming at this from the other direction, we bought my stepson and his wife a gift and paid their photographer's bill. We're still waiting for them to thank us.

Original poster
OrangeMarshmellows · 17/07/2018 15:22

@diddl
Me! It's always me as they always ask for cash and that's what DH has always gotten them and I hate it.
My mum and dad would be so offended if I got them cash on their birthday! Thoughtless and unnecessary, they are grown adults with money of their own.

So I always try and think of a good present instead.
I LOVE buying presents for other people, especially thoughtful ones.

@SchrodingersCaterpillar - you're right, its just thoughtless and like they can't be arsed with the effort.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/07/2018 15:26

Hang on though, if they ask for cash it's not really relevant that you hate it or your mum & dad would be offended.