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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my cousin is being selfish?

20 replies

Newmama111 · 16/07/2018 23:35

My cousin has just been discharged from hospital after being sectioned, she has skitzophrenia and had relapsed. When she is well she's a highly intelligent, fully functioning individual. I was visiting her twice a week for the 4 months she was there, there are only me and one other relative local so she relies on me quite heavily. I've been there for her unconditionally but admittedly tapered off some of the face to face contact in the late stages of my pregnancy and early weeks of my LO's life. I by no means cut her out I just put myself first for a while.

She hinted that part of the reason for relapsing was because i wasn't going to visit her much (I'd just had a baby and aside being absolutely exhausted found it difficult to travel the 30 mins by bus to her place with baby in tow then lug the pram up two flights of stairs with no lifts) however I was always reachable on the phone and she was welcome to come to my place, when she is well. I will admit I felt an amount of uneasiness having my newborn around her whilst she was unwell.

She's recovered now but is still wanting me to go up to her place several times a week (she doesn't like coming all the way to mine) and wants me to go here there and everywhere with her, even suggesting i leave baby with DP or somebody else so I can do so.

Aibu to think she's being selfish, or is it me being selfish wanting to concentrate on my new baby for now? I understand she feels she needs support but when she's well she lives a perfectly normal life, she has friends and her lovely mental health support team so she isn't all on her own.

I feel too much is expected of me at a time when a little baby needs my undivided attention.

OP posts:
Oldaintallthat · 16/07/2018 23:36

She's being selfish. YANBU. Enjoy your baby

Stompythedinosaur · 16/07/2018 23:40

Yes, she is being selfish, but schizophrenia can be a very frightening illness. She is probably scared she is loosing one of her few supports. But it is absolutely understandable that your baby will take up most of your time and attention.

It's just one of those situations that is difficult for everyone.

Ceebs85 · 16/07/2018 23:40

She's being selfish. And nasty, trying to blame you for her relapse. Don't let her guilt trip you. Any relationship needs to work both ways. See her as much or as little as suits you and your baby

Original poster
Newmama111 · 16/07/2018 23:45

What she said about her relapse being partly my fault for not visiting more upset me to be honest, I just don't feel able to "be there" in person as often as she thinks I should be

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Joboy · 16/07/2018 23:46

Your child must come 1st . Your child is your famliy now .
Cousins have to come further down the list.
Go round as much or as little as you want .
Have around your little one her if you think it wise .

bumbleboots · 16/07/2018 23:50

She has a serious mental illness, it's a bit flimsy to dismiss it as selfishness when she probably genuinely needs the support. However, it is completely understandable that as you have a new baby you can no longer help in the same way. Perhaps she needs to look into moving closer to a more feasible support network.

rogueone · 16/07/2018 23:52

Being sectioned and admitted to hospital against your will is truly awful. I have worked with people with mental health issues for many years and it’s not unusual that families limit contact or end up with no contact with those that suffer . Schizophrenia and the drugs to treat it can have marked affects on your functioning and some people take time to adjust to being at home after periods in hospital. I don’t think your cousin is being selfish. She is likely to be feeling vulnerable after time in hospital and given her limited family or friends is seeking support from you. Not sure what the answer is however I wanted say it’s not selfishness in her part. Schizophrenia is a very lonely illness...

Original poster
Newmama111 · 16/07/2018 23:59

I hope I haven't come across as dismissive about her condition, I love her to bits and have been there for her to the best of my ability for a long time. It has only been my baby that has forced me to reassess how much I'm able to be there in person.

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Original poster
Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 00:07

Its the comment about me being responsible for her relapse that annoyed me and prompted me to post here for input, in hindsight I don't think selfish was the right word. To put it less harshly I feel she's overlooking the fact I've got a new baby to take care of who requires my constant attention.

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MipMipMip · 17/07/2018 00:08

I think (and feel free to correct me if this us a bad idea) it would be worth telling her why you can't see her as much. She's likely making up reasons and it's getting bigger and bigger in her head. This really is a case of its not you, it's me so tell her that.

Explain you care about her, that you want to see her but it is a big operation to get there and you are very very tired. That you love and care for her and nothing will change that. But your life has changed which means you have to adapt to it. You're sorry you can't be there for her as much but she remains important to you.

Apologies if you've already done this.

MipMipMip · 17/07/2018 00:09

I think the relapse responsibility is pretty awful btw. Maybe suggest she speaks yo her therapist about that?

Arum51 · 17/07/2018 00:10

This is really difficult. As pps have said, she's not being selfish, she's had a very, very traumatic experience, and by your own admission, her support network is very small. However, you have to prioritise your baby. Does she get PIP? Can she use some of this for Ubers to come and see you? Has she given permission for you to talk to her mh team? They may be able to work with the two of you to find some solutions.

Have you spoken honestly to her about this? She's relying on you, but your situation has changed somewhat. You have a higher priority now. That doesn't mean you want to ditch her, or aren't interested any more, it's that the situation is now more complicated than it was. Changes have to happen.

Lisabel · 17/07/2018 00:13

I think because she has a serious mental illness that it is too simplistic to label her as selfish. In terms of what should happen- of course you need to put your baby first though!

Original poster
Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 00:21

I've spoken openly with her and explained exactly why I'm not able to maintain the same level of company as before so she does know its because of the huge life changes that come with having a baby, that's primarily why her comment upset me as its not as though I've just gone off radar and left her wondering why.

She does get PIP yes, she's also got a free travel pass (people with disabilities are entitled to them where I live, it means she doesn't have to pay for busses or trains).

I've spoken with her MH support team on many occasions and know them well, they know my situation and understand why I'm not as present at the moment. They encourage her to go along to group days out with the team and others who are under the team, she does this, she's also got a circle of friends she sees often enough and a sister out of town who she travels to see every week.

I think part the reason she doesn't like coming here is because she feels awkward around my DP, he saw her in the relapse stage and I think she's embarrassed

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Arum51 · 17/07/2018 00:42

Yes, I think you're probably right about her being embarrassed in front of your DP, if that's what happened. It's pretty mortifying. And don't forget, if she was experiencing psychosis, her 'memories' of what happened won't be too accurate. She'll be relying on other people telling her what really happened, and that can sound awful. It's shaming. Is your DP generally friendly to her, makes an effort etc? Hopefully, her feelings of embarrassment will lessen as time goes on. Could DP invite her over? Make it clear he would like her to come round, might make it easier for her to do so?

You said she 'hinted' her relapse was partly your fault. That's very unfair of her, if that's what she meant. Have you talked to her about that bit?

Original poster
Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 00:53

DP is generally very chatty and welcoming to her, we've had her over for dinner when he has been off work. He's pretty laid back and doesn't tend to judge people.

I did talk to her about her comment and said it come across unfairly and she promptly changed the subject

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AcrossthePond55 · 17/07/2018 01:09

You are right and entitled to put your child first. It's hard for your cousin because she's going to need someone/something else to fill the spot you have been filling. As long as her MH team (and you) keep encouraging her to find other things/people to fill that spot, you're doing all you need to do. It's going to be up to her to do the best she can.

Leontine · 17/07/2018 01:14

She sounds like she needs more support from her primary care team. Does she have a support worker?

Original poster
Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 09:16

She has a support worker yes, she sees them frequently and goes out as part of a group on little outings and goes to a breakfast club they run every week. There is other support there for her

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Original poster
Newmama111 · 17/07/2018 09:32

She actually has a lot of support from the MH services, they've known her for years and have gotten to know her personally and are there for her accordingly

She also has friends, nice friends who also care, but she doesn't expect of them what she expects of me

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