On the brink of (another) nervous breakdown - should I go to work?

[Torple]

Basically that, I had severe PND a few years back, then a breakdown and have struggled but just about managed to keep on track of things ever since.
I don’t take antidepressants any more because they just made me feel much worse.

But recently I have been getting various triggers that if I know mean I need a break. I don’t want to go into details but it’s a number of things.
My problem is I am a TA and I have fours days left till the holidays.

I cannot possibly justify taking time off sick, and would feel really bad if I did, because I have managed to keep things in check all year by some major CBT techniques I was taught and by zoning out for a bit when I get home. No-one at work knows how much I struggle some days to just maintain normality.

But my anxiety is through the roof at the mo, and I just cannot face this week, for no obvious reason. I can’t get a GP appointment within school hours without having to request the time off which is nigh on impossible in the last week of term.

AIBU to ask Mumsnet for some help/ideas on how to get through? I can’t face going and I can’t face not going, because that will mean I spend the next six weeks worrying about going back because I will feel guilty.

💐 i feel for you OP. I had a very similar situation several years ago. I had to take two days off work due to a bad panic attack and didn’t want to go back to work but didn’t want to stay home and panic more either.
My now husband told me to go back to work on the third day - and said it would help me focus my mind on something other than my anxiety. I did and he was right. By the end of the week, I felt much better. Hope you do too and then you can enjoy the summer holiday without worrying too much!

Could you just ring in sick and get a docs note maybe? I have done this for 'stress' before (MH) in a school.

I could, Bath but I think it will make me feel worse because I have the holidays coming up and haven’t taken any time off this year, despite possibly needing to, so it won’t look good. I am debating going for promotion next year so I worry about things like that affectin* my chances.
I think it’s worse in a school because there are a lot of holidays etc.

But if you haven;t taken any all year that is still a good record. Could always have a tummy bug as they need 48 hrs to clear?

sorry it's just i also have MH issues so I understand x

It's great that you recognise your triggers, it shows you're in control and know you can manage this.

I'd try my hardest to get myself in to work, remember all the CBT techniques you've learnt and like you've already been doing, when you get chance take time out to really relax and treat yourself.

Know how hard it is but I too would spend the entire holidays worrying about missing the last four days. If you even have to leave half way through the day because you're struggling at least you've tried!

Know it's easier said than done but regardless of what you decide to do try not over think and worry about everything

If you knew one of your colleagues was as poorly as you are would you feel annoyed that they took time off to get better?