Ex won't drop off kids to DP

[NoPinkPlease]

I've been with my new dp for 2.5 years. Introduced him super slowly to the kids after I'd known him a year. He moved in about 6 months ago. Kids - 10 and 7 - think he's ace and they are well on the way to establishing a step-parent relationship. I am a stepmum so have been very cautious.

I split from my ex 4 years ago. It's been mainly amicable on the parenting side with the odd disagreement.

For full disclosure, he's given me very little maintenance over that time. This was with my agreement at the start as he had a new home to set up and as he has autism was finding it all quite difficult.

About 6 months ago I said "isn't it about time we revisited the money situation but I don't know how much you earn?" He wouldn't tell me. And also then a few weeks ago he offered to help his son / my stepson at uni with money and I said - "well if you have money now, perhaps we should look at how much you're paying to me for the kids".

Much grumpiness.

He came back and said that he wanted the kids more. He has them Mon am to tues eve and fri eve to sat evening. I said they are really settled so didn't want to change things. I suspect he'd worked out that having more would mean paying me less...

Fast forward to today. Formal email saying he was going to pay child maintenance amount. And he wanted to revisit split of care. I've arranged to see a family solicitor on thurs.

Then this evening, when I saw him, he said that he didn't want to drop the kids off tomorrow into his the care of DP. That a parent should be there to put them to bed. This a very rare occurence. In 6 months, DP has only put them to bed once. I'm working tomorrow evening.

Any suggestions on what to do on all this? I feel really stressed on putting DP into conflict with exDp. And kids feeling unsettled.

Why can’t he keep them extra if you won’t be there? If I only had my kids twice a week then I wouldn’t want to drop them off to your partner.

You need to separate maintance and contact. They are two separate matters

So basically he wants the kids 50/50 now?

If the arrangement has been dropped at the dc's home. It's not his concern which adult receives them. He is being a twat.
But I guess that's why he is your ex?
Maybe consider eow and a night during the week as this seems to be the norm.

I would suggest the dc have revealed they like the new dp and he is less than impressed.

Or suggest he puts the kids to bed, job done. Bit weird but if he insists a parent should do it...

I wouldn’t drop my ds with my ex’s partner either for the simple reason that I don’t trust her. But she has form for idiocy, like driving ds in a car with no child seat.
If you aren’t there, why doesn’t he keep them until you get back - or the following morning.

I think that's fair if you aren't going to be there then they can stay at their dads

Why can't he have the kids more?

Is he a good dad to them? Do they like being with him? Would they enjoy being with him a bit more?

Are you against it because you don't want to lose any maintenance you are currently entitled to? If that's why you're saying no, then there is a bad parent here but it's not him.

Of course you don't want to lose any time with your kids, but how about one extra day every 2 weeks? They are his kids too, so you can't really dictate to him how often he is 'allowed' to see them. I mean, just look at how you are reacting to him setting rules about contact. His is stupid, but you see my point?

I think it’s fair that if you’re not there, he keeps them for the night. I wouldn’t want to drop off to a “step-parent” if I wasn’t seeing them as much as I wanted.

Definitely not about the money!

So, I'm sorry this is going to sound like a drip feed. He is a good parent in small chunks. He has autism, and a history of depression and anxiety and found living with kids very stressful. He used to lose it all the time; scream and shout, threatened physical violence to stepson, make himself "big" to me, but never touched me. I made the decision to split up when he yelled in my face when I was breastfeeding dd.

I didn't split up with him for 3 years after that cos I stuck it out for my stepson who was 13 then - I knew he needed protecting and I couldn't let him be forced to go with my ex. So when my ex DP finally left the house, my stepson chose to stay with me.

Since then my ex has been an ok Dad - he does the fun stuff but finds organisation and arrangements difficult. I organise everything to do with kids including clothes / bags / appts.

And my 10 year old has autism, routine and being organised is very important. So I'm worried if he had them more, the cracks would show again.

He gets angry with them now sometimes, but it's much more "normal" range. So I'm trying in part to protect the stable relationship he has with them now.

The courts recommended to us that we don’t do drop offs with step parents, they said that the parents should always be there. Best interest of the child and all that

Explain that to him, I had to spell it out in black and white to my ex who has aspergers why he would never be left alone with the kids. See what he says

If one parent isn't home, I dont see why DC cant stay with the other parent!

Maybe he is or maybe he isn't up to having the kids more but why not try one extra night a week and see what happens. You obviously thought he was good enough to have children with and maybe he is better at coping now that you are divorced.

A judge told my exh to stop being ridiculous and to drop the dc off at their home when he refused to leave them with my dp.
Who looks after the dc in their time is their own choice.