How to stop toddler hitting baby? Posting for traffic

[Fluffywuffyunicorn]

Since ds (9months) started crawling, over a month ago, dd (nearly 3) keeps, hitting, pulling and pushing over ds and just trying to hurt him. Multiple times a day, every day! Even when he started in his Walker she used to pull his arms and push him into the walls, but not as often as it is now. Iv tried explaining nicely that it's not nice and it really hurts him. That didn't work. I watch them like a hawk and when she's looks like she's about to get mean I tell her no and to leave him alone, but she will quickly just punch him or push him onto his face before I manage to pick him up or pull her away from him. I'v shouted at her, some times she just laughs in my face, or she'll scream at me, or try and hit me or her personal favourite Is to just ignore me. Iv even resorted to spanking and that didn't work and not something I want to do again. I'm at the end of my tether and am dreading each day. I feel like I'm failing as a parent and so stressed and angry all the time. I'm crying every other day (after very bad days) because I'm just struggling to cope.
Ds is fairly clingy, so doesn't like to be put in the playpen. But he does enjoy exploring the house at the minute. Crawling and climbing. I can't leave the room unless he's having a nap, which isn't long as he power naps or dd purposely wakes him up. If he's crawling he'll come find me, if he's in his playpen or Walker he'll scream until I come back and pick him up. He's very hard to entertain for more then two minutes.
I do think she's trying to get attention bit not too sure because she's just naughty sometimes, constantly ignores me, screaming, throwing things, stealing food from the fridge, waking ds up, having full on screaming fits if she's told no.

I think Maybe she's bored and does want attention, but I can't think of things we can all do. We've been on walks, but we live in a small town so there isn't anywhere to really go. She likes drawing and painting, but it's hard to do whilst ds is awake and he doesn't nap long at all.
I'v got her name down at nursery but won't find out if she has a place till October, and if she does, she'll start in January. But what can I do till then? I definitely need advice on how to stop her hurting her brother, and activities that are suitable for a 9 month old and nearly 3 year old?

What was her behaviour like before baby was mobile? We haven't reached that stage yet but DS (3) can get quite attention seeking when I'm busy with DD (4months) and sometimes accidentally rough when trying to play with her. We do have to let him watch more TV than before but luckily he'll also play with some toys independently. If he's being too boisterous I encourage him to play in another room or else take her to another room.

3 is old enough to know that hurting other people isn’t nice. Have you tried telling her that being a big sister is a very important job? See if you can get her involved in caring for him and praise her and reward her for doing anything nice for him.

Praise the behaviour you want and ignore her (as far as practical) when she doesn’t.

You could try time out if she hits or pushes, and maybe tell her you will take her toys away if she isn’t nice. You must follow through if you say this.

Is there one of those farm places or a petting zoo you could all go to? Some craft workshops for DD or soft play? Could you leave DS with someone while you take her to a kids screening of a film then she has your attention on her own for a few hours? Swimming?

Oh OP I feel for you. We're going through something similar and it's so so hard. It's actually heartbreaking having to battle through everyday. You're not alone I have had days where I've been in tears too due to DD's behaviour. It's draining and we never get a chance to reset.

She lashes out when over excited/frustrated/annoyed.

We got a book called Hands are not for hitting and it's helped a bit. We see her going to hit and chance it into a high five then we says hands are not for hitting - what are hands for? And let her guess. It's hard hard work. But distraction is my best key. Other than that I have no advice as I'm winging it everyday.

Our days trips are usually to a small park or softplay. We just tried swimming with DS in a float and it went well. My DD is great with older child so I often visit my sister who has older DC. I also do a busy box for her - paper, kid safe scissors and glue and let her create pictures while I'm trying to feed the 4month old.

Someone also told me kids can be worse when babies hit new milestones for whatever reason such as looking for attention, trying to reaffirm their place.

She hurt DS face 4 time in the last week, twice it was an accident she was trying to play the others we have no reason for.

Sending hugs xx

Unfortunately nothing close by, we have a park which we sometimes have a mini picnic at. Have to stay away from play area unless I have someone with me, or a bribe as the tantrums at the minute are colossal and she will need physically picking up and moving away or a bribe for something better.
She's wasn't that bad before ds was mobile, a little frustrated sometimes, selective hearing. Just seems to be really bad these last two months.
Iv tried taking her out of the room, but she will scream till she can come back in. She will happily play in destroy her room, but we've currently got half a bathroom in there (dp was supposed to finish it before ds was born!), so not much room to play.
I'v also tried a time out chair, but she just screamed and kept getting off.

She usually go's to her nan's on a Saturday and ds stays with me, but I have suggested to my dp that he takes ds out for a few hours instead (if he's not working) and I'll have dd so we can spend time together. But she enjoys her day with nans, so don't want to take that away from her. Unfortunately have no one who will have ds.

Can you pick up DS and take yourself away from her when she's being unkind. Not necessarily out of the room cause I can see why you may want to keep an eye on her safety as well, but just move away and ignore the bad behaviour?

Thank you Mama I'm gonna buy that book. Dd loves books so hopefully will help. You're right, it is very draining and very hard work.

I'v been trying wren but sometimes the frustration of it always happening and gets to me. So I do end up shouting at her. (which I do feel very guilty for after). I have no outlet for my frustration. I do have an exercise bike, but it's in storage have been asking dp to bring it back home for the last 6 months

I went through the same thing at the same age. My eldest ignored her sister for 9 months & then just seemed to turn when she turned 3. I have no advice because basically I just never left them alone but it was just a phase & it did pass.

Firstly, this sounds very hard but a few things really jump out from your post: (this is meant 100% kindly)

She sounds so bored and under stimulated that she’s doing anything at all to gain your attention and has hit(!) upon an excellent way of getting it even if it’s negative. Every day sounds as if it starts and continues in a negative manner which is bad for everyone including you.

Can you try to find the energy to become her greatest fan and praise her for absolutely every tiny thing she does well? Ask for her help with little tasks and thank her for her kindness. Find activities which will somehow allow both dc to be entertained and included and move regularly. If you have a garden consider water play, mini assault courses, tent building with rugs etc.

Encourage some imaginary play with dolls, play shops etc. You must find a way that she can use her drawing equipment and play without the baby always taking first place.

Gradually get her involved with doing some fun stuff with her brother, reading to him, teaching him to play and praise her every time.

Getting out is absolutely crucial to keeping you all sane. Look up and go to any available groups and activities. Ask your hv for more on this and also on positive parenting. Going to the park and not allowing the playground seems hard for a three year old to understand. Find a way to do it...ask other mums for tips and get chatting.

It’s hard to break out of negativity and naughtiness and move to pleasant behaviour and praise but it can be transformative. Ask on here for ways to entertain two young dc, tips on places to go and how to introduce positive behaviour.

Good luck

So I used to go to a playgroup led by this exceptionally twee woman who had one trick that worked. It sounds ridiculous but there was a rock-throwing 3yo in the group & it stopped him in his tracks.

Watch your kids like a hawk. When you see DD about to hit, grab, etc, say in your best sweetest nursery nurse voice “DD has gentle hands!” Remove her hands from her brother if necessary. It’s a pain but if you do it enough times (while being extremely gentle yourself) it does get through to them. Reinforce by showing her how to play with him in his walker, what toys he might like to look at etc. Good luck, mine are now 10 & 12 and are very good friends for the moment despite DD1 insisting dd2 be put in the bin at that age.

Of course she's going to scream and get off of the time out chair. Have you not watched Super Nanny? You have to persevere with it. Keep taking her back every time until she stays for her time. You can't give in over a little screaming and getting off. Of course she's going to keep doing those things if she knows you won't persevere with it. She knows she'll get away with it after a little while...

It is tricky when the younger one gets interesting.

I reckon this is a good time for 'love bombing' DD - yes to trying to get some time alone with her, but even when that's not possible, try to engage her attention. Praise her ridiculously for being kind to DS or anything at all that she can be praised for, and especially say so to ds - 'look at DD, DS, she's sitting at the table so nicely!' or 'DD is so kind to help you read, DS' or whatever straw you can grasp .

Bad behaviour is swiftly dealt with - 'no hitting. Gently, like this,' and take DS away or demonstrate gentleness (I'm sure she knows, but just to reinforce). Don't make it a big deal because that is attention even if it's bad.

I'm not a fan of the naughty step myself, just makes it all about negative behaviour IME.

Sit tight, it gets better.

I have been trying to praise her for every good thing, playing nicely, being gentle etc. But some days every minute of the day she's difficult. The positive praise did work for a bit though, so I may try the no hitting book and the gentle hands suggestion along side it.
I think the naughty chair will not work, not at this age. It made the situation worse not better, so I won't be trying that again until she's older.

So, We've just had a mini disco. Slight improvement in behaviour. Ds still suffered the odd hit on the head .

Read up on time in rather than time out. ‘You need to come and be with me now.’ It’s not lovely cuddle time, it’s doing some dull task or sitting next to you while you fill in a form, she draws. It helps the child to self regulate in a very similar way to the time out but doesn’t involve isolation which young children tend to hate.