To ask mumsnet for relationship advice?

[FabalaTheGreenGirl]

I've been in a long distance relationship with my partner for 4 years, and recently developed feelings for someone at work. I see him every day, and every time we chat it just feels... easy and comfortable and wonderful (it's never been easy with OH).

He confessed his feelings to me, and we've spent enough time together (some unavoidable, some because I have poor impulse control) and now there are possibly love feelings. He has told me he wants to build a life together. We are also very compatible sexually (highly sexed, into the same things) whereas me and OH are certainly not on the same wavelength in that regard. I like myself when I'm with OM. I don't like myself when I'm with OH (he doesn't put me down and is very loving and supporting... I just have these horrible bitchy traits that come out when I'm around him).

I think what hooked me with the OM is our easy relationship and how it contrasts with my LTR. With OH weekends together are wonderful, but when we don't see each other we barely communicate (he is not a texter). He has also never struck me as the "let's build a life together" type, but recently he did ask me to move in with him (we had a long chat, I explained my issues, etc). I'm an academic and so is OH, so the chances of us ever having a job in the same city are remote but he has vowed to make it work.

I've been torn between "cut and run" and staying and building something with OH. If I cut and run what's to stop me doing the same thing in the future, should I meet someone else? I don't want to fall into this pattern of hopping from medium-long term monogamous relationships.

The mature thing to do would be to forget the other man and try and focus on my relationship, but damn, it's hard to get the OM out of my head (one possible option is to take a job in another city and move, and I'm seriously considering this).

Advice very welcome. I accept that there will be some judgement, too, and that I deserve this.

Ps: there are no kids involved here. I know, I'm sorry, but came here for penis beaker and just ended up staying!

I think you’d be better off posting in the Relationships section rather than AIBU.

Does the OM have a Partner? If so, leave well alone.

He doesn't. And sorry - maybe better in that section.

I would have to say it sounds like worth pursuing?

How would you feel if your partner wrote the above?

You're a cheat, even if only on an emotional level. Sort yourself out.

Your DP doesn’t sound as if he’s particularly committed, especially after 4 years. LDR are hard - they normally need to have an end point in sight where you can both be together in order to survive.

I’d cut and run if I were you. Whether you want to cut and run straight into the arms of another man is up to you but I think you’d probably benefit from a breather first.

HeyDolly I feel in my gut that a breather would be good.

Bombardier remember that although this is the internet, this is a real person you are talking to. Nice is more constructive than judgemental.

I'd think that if you're even considering ending your long distance relationship you have your answer. People don't question their relationship and get involved with other people if they're 100% happy.

It's about having the bleeding backbone to do it, isn't it? (And if I had that I wouldn't be in an emotional affair!).

Sort yourself out. Cut off OM. Focus on your relationship, decide whether you want to pursue it. Don't stay in a relationship because it's "good enough".

You won't be happy if you relationship hop, and how can your new man ever trust you wouldn't do the same to him?

Make a decision about your current relationship independent of OM. Then move forward from there.

Sorry, I realise that sounded harsher than I meant it to. I've been in your situation, it's not fun. But you need to gather your thoughts and separate the two issues in your mind, they seem inextricably linked but they aren't.
Do you want to work on your current relationship - yes/no. Then you can decide what to do about OM.

I suppose the real issue is that I don't want to break up with my OH because of some self-perpetuating commitment-phobic pattern that I might be prone to. My OH is the person I got straight into a relationship with after my previous 8-year relationship went tits up (and yes, the situations were similar). Perhaps just taking some time to be single and figure myself out is the best option.

Good advice allertse.

I dont think there's much point staying in your current relationship if it's making you into a person you dont much like. Your OM sounds like a much better fit and even if you don't launch into a new relationship with him straight away, I dont think you sound happy sticking with your current relationship.

There's been a sudden influx on the relationships board of married
or partnered women suddenly lusting after male colleagues. Is it the hot weather?

Bombardier remember that although this is the internet, this is a real person you are talking to. Nice is more constructive than judgemental.

I'm not being mean myself, but just to warn you after having read a few of these type of posts, you're probably going to get much more criticism than what the above poster said. Just a heads up.

In regards to your actual post, it's obviously kinder to end things if you're looking elsewhere, but a long distance relationship must be extremely hard and 4 years is a very long time to make something work with no end goal. I don't think I could personally do it. The fact you've posted says that you know what's right, it's just building the courage to do it.

As it stands right now you're not being fair to your OH, the OM or yourself.
The LTR has run its course and isn't giving you what you need or want as I see it. End it and then decide separately how or if you want to develop things with the OM. You're only real reason for not ending the LTR appears to be that you're worried about repeating the same behaviour in the future. That's not a valid reason in my book and is just good old fear of change. Grow a pair and make a decision, for everyone's sake.

Thanks for the advice, everyone.