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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to take him back?

14 replies

Gryffindorwin2991 · 16/07/2018 13:31

Just this really. I’m seeking advice from those who have been through the same or who verbally have more life experience than me.

DP and I are due to be married next May. He has had some issues with drinking since the unexpected death of his DM last year and we have been muddling through, I have supported him as much as I physically can.

Improvements were made to his drinking as I told him this needed to happen for the sake of our family, him, DD and I.

This weekend it came to light that he has been “attention seeking” when drunk. I am devastated, I love him so much. He is now staying with a family member and we have arranged set days for him to come and see DD and speak with her at bedtime.

He’s making a million and one pledges and promises and has apparently been a mess but I’m struggling to accept this.

My question is has anybody been through this and come out the other side, or is there no hope?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gryffindorwin2991 · 16/07/2018 13:32

Generally* not verbally

OP posts:
Ansumpasty · 16/07/2018 13:34

What do you mean by attention seeking...sleeping with other women?

wellBeehivedWoman · 16/07/2018 13:35

What does 'attention seeking' mean? As in, he's showing off when drunk? Or seeking attention from other women?

Either way if he has a drinking problem I would make addressing that a priority and I wouldn't get married if I didn't think it was addressed. Splitting up is much harder when you're married and the reality is that while he has a drinking problem, you can't be confident in the future of your relationship.

He can change OP, so have some hope - but only if he accepts it and starts attending meetings etc. Verbal commitments aren't enough - it has to be in his actions now.

Snowysky20009 · 16/07/2018 13:37

Yes what do you mean by 'attention seeking'?

Original poster
Gryffindorwin2991 · 16/07/2018 13:37

To clarify the attention seeking is messaging other women when drunk

OP posts:
SomeKnobend · 16/07/2018 13:39

Attention seeking? Making silly noises in class? Telling jokes? Acting the clown? Or do you mean he has been trying to cheat on you?

He's an alcoholic. You have a dd to think of as well as yourself. I think you'd be a complete fool to take him back tbh, and given you have a dd who will be unsettled by his behaviour and the on/off nature of your relationship (and it will be off again), then yes I'd say yabu as well.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 16/07/2018 13:40

There's a world of difference between a promise and a change. Promises mean very little without an action behind them and it sounds a little like your Ex is making wildly beautiful promises because he realises what a mess he's made.

The difficulty is in deciding if you want to give another bit of your heart over to someone who has treated it so shabbily in the past.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 16/07/2018 13:43

youve already got a child so you’re already in a shit position.

I’d separate if you are financially safe and let him know that his actions have consequences.

Ansumpasty · 16/07/2018 13:43

Messaging other women when drunk on a dating website, for example, or messaging colleagues asking how they are?

Original poster
Gryffindorwin2991 · 16/07/2018 13:48

DD has no idea what is going on so far. This is the first time we have been “off” so to speak. He had cleaned up his act earlier this year re his drinking and he hadnt had any alcohol at all, he got some counselling and also went on antidepressants, but he drank at a wedding on Saturday and completely overdid it. I’m gutted. I know the promises are because he’s been caught out and that is why I’m reluctant to accept them as at this moment in time I just don’t believe him. Also wary I will forever be on edge if we’re ever at an occasion with alchohol. Just looking for other people’s experiences. I know I’m probably being irrational as upset for DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gryffindorwin2991 · 16/07/2018 13:51

The women are complete randoms. Nobody I know.

OP posts:
JimWilsonBell · 16/07/2018 14:04

So in my opinion the fact that he does it when he's drunk isn't an excuse. I'd be gutted too that this is his "go to" when he's had a few/skinful! The fact he has access to "random women" means he's on probably on dating sites. To me it's emotionally unfaithful because there's an intention albeit when he's pissed. It also shows a lack of respect for women that they should dance to his tune when he wants attention, even if he has no intention of following it through.

OP this wouldn't be the end for me BUT you need to take a firm view of this and him and you seek counselling- marriage isn't a bed of roses and if you two have some issues down the line you don't want this kinda thing and further to be his go-to stress reliever.

Hideandgo · 16/07/2018 14:34

Honestly I think you can limp on and even have some happy days but this doesn’t bode well for a healthy, respectful and happy future. I think I’d cut my loses.

Apileofballyhoo · 16/07/2018 14:37

Cut your losses. He has addiction problems and they will probably get a lot worse before they get better.

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