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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want out

10 replies

Appleeye · 16/07/2018 11:42

Don't really know were to start, no one to talk to in rl. I hate my life, I know I need to do something about it but don't know were to start. I'm married 4 kids 2 are husbands 2 from previous relationship. We've always had our ups and downs but the last 2 years have been hell. Starting with the unexpected death of my sibling, it hit my hard brought on depression and anxiety (which I can't seem to shake off). Husband wasn't very supportive kept telling me to pull myself together etc etc. I found out that he had taken out a loan and a credit card and spent all the money on gambling, he said it was due to him being stressed. i've never really forgiven him for this, at the worst time in my life he wasn't there for me and that scares me for the future. fast forward to now my depression and anxiety is still with me, I've just had to re do a year at uni due to stress, found at a few weeks ago that he has been messaging an ex on fb, can't seem to finf permanent employment, expects me to do everything regarding house and kids and just generally doesn't seem interested in the family anymore. I blame myself due to my MH issues. Everything's just crap at the minute, youngest kids constantly arguing, overwhelmed by the debt husband has got us in, no friends, no real family that I see, no job, house getting on top of me and a s*^t marriage. I'm done I don't know hat to do or were to turn. I fantasize about leaving him starting again just me and the kids, getting a job, continuing with my studies but its not that easy. I believe it will make me happier but not sure if its the depression talking. I'm sorry that just sounds like a lot of rambling, just needed to get it written down

OP posts:
Kingsclerelass · 16/07/2018 12:13

I can quite understand why you feel like that, yanbu at all.
I’d sit down with your dh and lay it all out. Agree a plan to pay off the debt. Tell him to stop relying on you, because you’re going to break. Call him out on the fb woman. Tell him if he doesn’t stop behaving like an arse, you will leave. Tell him you need his help NOW.
Definitely see your GP.

Flowers
Kingsclerelass · 16/07/2018 12:20

And it’s not your fault or anything to do with your mh either. You dh needs to put on his big boy pants and step up !

Original poster
Appleeye · 16/07/2018 12:28

Thankyou Kingsclerelass, i continuously ask him for more help with the kids/house etc but he works full time and I'm off uni for the summer and due to childcare costs can't work so he sees it as all down to me, I get that but I'm starting to massively resent him for it. I confronted him about the messaging on fb and he blamed me not giving him enough love and attention. Every time I tell him how I feel or whats going on in my head he turns it round onto me and blames my mh. I have seen my GP but stopped taking my meds last year as I started to feel great and did't want to rely on them, but think I may need them again, waiting on an appointment from GP.

OP posts:
GirlsBlouse17 · 16/07/2018 12:38

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP x . At a time when you have needed the support of your DH, he has not only not given you support but added to the problems in your life and then blames you for it! He needs to change his ways and quickly otherwise he will lose you. Your MH has come about because for so long you have had to be strong for everyone and it's taken it's toll on you. You now need others to be strong for you. Please speak to your GP though xxx

Hidingtonothing · 16/07/2018 12:41

First off, stop blaming yourself/MH problems, marriage is supposed to be about supporting each other, especially through hard times, and he has let you down massively. That's not to say depression isn't hard on the supporting partner but there are always going to be better ways to deal with that than messaging ex's, telling you to pull yourself together after a bereavement and getting your family into huge debt by gambling.

He has to take responsibility for the things he's done (things which have more than likely exacerbated your depression and anxiety btw) and either step up and start supporting you or help you work out a way you can split with the minimum trauma for all of you.

What response would you get if you tried to have the conversation Kings suggested do you think?

Original poster
Appleeye · 16/07/2018 12:54

Thank you for your responses, he is very close to loosing me. I have tried to talk many timeshe just shifts the blame to me, I feel like I've hit a brick wall. I know my issues have been hard on him and he just wants me to be happy but he has contributed massively to how I am feeling and i have told him this but he just says its my depression making me feel this way. When I bring up things he has done, gambling debt, messaging other women etc he tells me to stop living in the past. I know he's unhappy to and it is now impacting on our children. All I want is to be happy and live in a happy home and I feel like a failure as everyone is so sad.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 16/07/2018 13:12

I think if he won't talk honestly (and that would mean taking responsibility for himself and not blaming you for everything) you're probably at the 'look, neither of us is happy, it's impacting the kids so we need to work out a way forward where we can all be happy, even if that means separating' stage. Would that conversation come as a shock to him do you think?

Racecardriver · 16/07/2018 13:17

So when you had me tap health problems because some close to you DIED you were at fault for not pulling yourself together but when he had mental health problems it was all your fault fit being depressed Hmm

Honestly, from what you say, it seems as if you would be better off alone if he doesn't improve. Do you have somewhere you can go for extra support instead of staying with him? Maybe you could move in with a family member?

Original poster
Appleeye · 16/07/2018 13:38

I think O would be better off alone, I have tried talking to my mum but she said to think of the kids and what it would do to them if we seperated (I think that she is scared she would have to help me) she said I was being selfish and only thinking of myself and not my kids and how it would effect them. I mentioned briefly about me and the kids moving into my parents for a while (they have the space) until I got my head together but she laughed and said you moved out at 16 (and she wonders why Hmm )

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 16/07/2018 13:40

Oh OP everything will and can get better. I’m just going to bullet point what I think you should do, I hope it doesn’t come across as too blunt or emotionless I just think you could do with just simple things to follow.

  1. Forgive yourself for struggling. Everybody does.
  2. Small children argue, don’t take it personally or as a sign your failing. Sometimes kids are arses. As long as all fed, watered, washed and sleeping at the end of the day you’ve passed.
  3. Seriously forgive yourself
  4. Ask your husband to leave. He has disrespected you phenomenally and is trying to blame you. I’m not say ltb permanently. But at best he needs a short sharp shock of discovering that your not taking it any more.
  5. Loads of people repeat uni it’s not a problem and you’ve had a rough year.
  6. Go see your doc about medication. If your not already on it why not? A diabetic takes insulin and no one judges them. If you are ask for a review. If it’s not working for you there are other options.
  7. Seriously seriously please forgive yourself and don’t fall into the trap of believing what your not so ‘d’h is gaslighting you with
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