Seeking legal advice in regards to mediation. Posting for traffic

[Iswallowtoothpaste]

My DB and his ex have been split for around a year now. They have an 18 MO DD together.

DB works 6 days a week, is currently paying £450 nursery fees for his DD and £25 maintenance a week. He’s still living with my mum and step dad as he can’t afford to move out. He’s currently waiting to start a new job, he’ll earn more and be able to rent somewhere and have a bedroom for his DD to stay, he currently has her from 10 am - 6pm on a Sunday.

DB’s ex has various issues including anxiety and depression. More recently, she’s been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder but seemingly (so we thought) had it under control. His ex’s mum looks after their daughter quite a lot and was having her 2 nights a week. My mum was also having DN 1 afternoon per week but DB’s ex stopped this around a month ago.

During the past few months, she’s been nit picking, silly little things such as there being a potty at my DM’s house (left over from when my DD was pottt training) DB took a photo of DN sat on the potty, fully clothed but smiling and sent it to her DM (he likes to send her pictures to reassure her that she’s happy and having a good time due to her anxiety) she had an absolute fit about this potty, said he was confusing her by it simply being there and she wanted a picture of the potty in the bin to assure it had been removed. There are a lot more instances like this but I’m using this as an example.

Anyway, DB gets a text off her last week which says that she’s stopping him from seeing his DD and that he can arrange contact through mediation if he wants to.

Surely she needs to have grounds for this? It feels as though she’s making him jump through hoops to see his own DD. I thought it was an enshrined law that a parent cannot simply stop contact without having a very good reason to do so, which she doesn’t have.

After contacting her parents, they told DB that they were in fact having the little girl 5 nights a week and that the police have had to come out and restrain his ex several times because she ‘zone out’ and starts lashing out. This is news to us, why had nobody said anything? Is their DD even safe to be with her right now? Sounds like her parents are trying to keep everything together for now.

DB is so upset, we’re going to the solicitors tomorrow. What do we need to take? What questions do we need to ask? Can anybody help, we’ve never had to deal with anything like this before.

Sorry, the £450 nursery fees is per month, not per week!

Anyone?

Does your brother want over 50% residence of his daughter? If so ask the solicitor how to go about it if the mother is leaving the child at her parents.

@BlueBug he can’t have residence until he has somewhere of his own to live. He’s still currently with my mum in a 2 bedroomed house. This is the main reason for him switching jobs, so that he can have his DD for longer periods. He thinks he’d be refused 50% custody for this reason. Definitely something we will mention though

If he can prove to a judge he has a long term plan re housing/moving etc he may have a case. Would have to show he has a bond/rent and is actively looking for new accommodation.

Could he not still seek 50/50 custody and share a room with her until he has a place of his own?

He can share a room with her as she is probably still in a cot...especially if he can show he is planning on how he will support her in the future in his new role...it seems odd that Social services have not been involved if teh police have been called frequently...

I agree with averythinline. I thought that phoning the police automatically triggers social services. As she is so young I don't think there would be as issue with them sharing

In his case and the circumstances of the the police being called out I would honestly go for majority custody. She sounds dangerous to the child when zoning out which is a major safeguarding risk.

OP if your brother has his own room at your mum's, and the child is under 5 yes he can ask for primary residence as she can either sleep in a cot/toddler bed in his room. While it is not ideal many children share rooms with their parents and it would be safer for her than staying with her mum. As both sets of grandparents are in her life he should also make arrangements so both can still help out and maintain their relationship with her. Him having primary residence will also help stop the maternal grandparents being attacked so often.

As PPs said it is odd SS aren't involved if the police have been called on her.

Hi all! Been at work.

Thank you all so much for your replies, very insightful and a lot of things I didn’t realise which I will ke DB award of.

I’ve just asked him if SS are involved and he said that they are (which I wasn’t aware of)

I think he should go for majority custody.

He’s very scared about pushing his ex ‘over the edge.’

When he was with her, they had to call the crisis team as there have been numberous occasions where she has threatened to kill herself.

He doesn’t want to be responsible for anytjing she may do in the aftermath but he wants to be a part of his daughter’s life.

He’s in such a state right now.

Well your DB is very lucky as he has such a great sister. You sound very calm and caring.

@redshoeblueshoe, thank you! I don’t feel too calm right now.

I’m a bit anxious about the solicitors tomorrow. Feeling well and truly out of my depth.

Yes but take a deep breathe and a notebook, get some questions written down.
I am sure you feel anxious, but take one step at a time

OP the child's safety and well-being overrides the mother's, as the mother is an adult. No one is responsible for the mother's actions to herself, and he's not taking the child away from her as the child is at nursery or is looked after by her maternal grandparents most of the week. The mother also seems to have her parents around for support - though I do feel very sorry for them.

You need a Proper Soliciter

But first I think you
Need a proper discussion about how much you are prepared to care for this child

Having agreement and clarity in this will really help

Good luck

From what I have seen the law is child centred - so the focus needs to be on what’s best for the child
Not the parents

Also your son needs to calm down

One way he can do this is by educating himself On family law . Get some books , read some websites and put himself one step ahead . That will simultaneously calm and empower him

I agree that he should ask for full custody at this point, with the ex having EOW; supervised if necessary.

If the ex is incapable of, or unwilling, to look after her child to the point that the baby is spending five nights a week with her grandparents, then it seems logical (to me) that she should spend that time with her father instead.

If sleeping arrangements are a sticking point, could your DB say that he'll sleep in the lounge or something and that his DD can have the second bedroom? He doesn't necessarily have to actually implement that right now, but may go in his favour in terms of showing what he's prepared to do to facilitate having his DD live with him.

Good luck with the solicitor!

Went to see the solicitor yesterday who said that Social services have put things in place to protect the little girl (her mum it’s allowed to have her full time) therefore the grandparents are looking after her. He’s going to send her a letter and if that doesn’t work or if she ignores it, then he said mediation is the way to go before anything goes to court. He did say that mediation would look at the situation and shake their heads as she’s had no reason for doing this, it’s a complete bolt out of the blue.

DB got worried the other night and contacted SS because he hasn’t seen his DD for 2 weeks and has no way of knowing if she’s ok so she’ll likely be getting a visit from them too.

Hope everything is ok op x

She got the solicitor’s letter and immediately rang my brother and gave him quite a bit of grief.

She then rang his solicitor and told him that my brother had been violent towards her during their relationship. DB vehemenently denies this, they’ve been split a year and this accusation comes only after she’s received a solicitor’s letter.

As a character reference for my DB, he is a very placid man. So laid back he’s horizontal and doesn’t get angry easily at all. Never has done, even as a child. He’s certainly not violent and/or abusive!

It makes me think that she wants to completely phase him and his side of the family, out of their daughter’s life. It has also come to light that she’s recently started seeing someone - fair enough, she’s entitled to be happy as much as the next person, however, it all feels a little like she’s wanting to play happy families with her new boyfriend. She obviously has an understanding of how the system works, mediation, grounds for ceasing contact - domestic violence. She has accused more than one ex boyfriend of sexual abuse in the past too.

He need to take.it back to court. She sounds very manipulative my bils ex did the sane to him, accused him of dv ( 3yrs after they split with no evidence etc) luckily as no evidence and she couldn't give clear explanation just kept sayong 'he was violent' the judge didnt believe her. She also got told off by the judge over coercing the child in to saying stuff to cafcass. You and your db stay strong.