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AIBU?

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Original poster

With where should she live?

9 replies

792337V · 16/07/2018 01:46

My 12 yo daughter has just told me she wants to go and live with her dad as she misses him, what should I do?

She currently sees him 2 weekends a month. She has previously said she wants to live with him but on speaking to the school counsellor several years ago it came out he had convinced her it was a good idea and had been bad mouthing me for years.

I’m worried that he is doing this again but in an even more manipulative way as she’s now at secondary school but I have no proof.
I have no issue with her spending more time with her dad but living with him would mean moving school and leaving her friends and family behind.
Can anyone help on what the best thing to do is? From his previous behaviour I know if she goes to live with him he will stop contact with me slowly and I will lose all contact as he is an excellent manipulator

OP posts:
YoYotheclown · 16/07/2018 02:04

Have you offered her your solution? Maybe start off with spending more time with him. Theh if she is still adamant, try it out over the holidays.
Maybe if she sees how it will be with him full time. She won’t be so into the idea anymore.

Original poster
792337V · 16/07/2018 02:09

I’ve suggested it to her and asked to think about it. I’m trying to meet up with her dad but he never answers the phone to me in fact I haven’t spoken to him in about 5 years everything is done via email but I think we actually need to meet up and discuss what is happening.
I know he’s already phoned her tonight but obviously don’t know what he’s been saying to her. He constantly goes through her rather than have any contact with me, it’s a very awkward situation

OP posts:
W0rriedMum · 16/07/2018 02:26

12 is an awkward age. I would be tempted to say that as she's settled in school now, she can move at the next logical break, e.g. after GCSEs.
It's a big deal for a teenage girl to be disrupted so much when they all tend to fight against their mothers.
I would not make a huge effort to contact him. If he's so keen to have her, let him call you to discuss like a grown-up.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/07/2018 02:37

He doesnt want her to live with him, he just wants her to reject you. She would probably be back within weeks when he realises what being the main carer of a teenage girl actually entails.

Monty27 · 16/07/2018 02:41

I had this. He soon dropped her back to me when it came to DD needing new shoes and school uniform etc. DD is now 25. She's stunning. Since those days she has told me that she was trying to look after him and cleaning his filthy flat. She eventually realised she was wasting her time.
She then understood why the marriage had broken up and we are so very close now.
It's a very emotional age 12.
Take deep breaths OP. Flowers

Godowneasy · 16/07/2018 02:53

I can't see that moving into her father's home will be in your DD's best interests at all, if he is likely to stop her seeing you -surely she'll just end up missing you instead of him as she does now? (More so, as at least she sees her dad a two weekends a month).

I wouldn't consider this a viable option at all if it risked me losing contact with my young daughter! It'll be awful for you and potentially very damaging and disruptive to your DD.

I'd suggest she merely increases the amount of time she spends there -maybe a bit more of the school holidays and an occasional extra weekend from time to time.

Your daughter will soon be at an age when her primary interest at weekends will probably be to hang out with her mates, and not her dad so much.

As a previous poster has already said, I'd be expecting your ex to be willing to meet with you to discuss any possible changes to contact arrangements. The fact that he doesn't do this would lead me to think that he's not that serious about what is best for your daughter.

SpareASquare · 16/07/2018 03:31

I would probably tell her that you need to speak to her father before you make any decision and let her know he is welcome to call you at anytime to discuss. If he's encouraging/manipulating the situation in any way he's just not going to do that and you won't have to be the 'bad guy'.
If, by some miracle, he does call to discuss, arrange to meet and do so and see how that pans out. Seeing as he's a 'behind the scenes' kinda guy Angry he won't meet and you won't have to make any decision.

TheLittleThingsLikeVodka · 16/07/2018 04:43

If he sees her that little is he prepared to cope with actually being a full time parent, or just doing it to get to you? Because I’d imagine going to live with him for a while then him deciding it’s too much could do a lot of damage to her mental health

Original poster
792337V · 16/07/2018 07:09

Thank you everyone I feel slightly calmer, just need to wait and see whether he makes any contact and take it from there.

OP posts:
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