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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teenage son not doing chores

22 replies

AdventureFruitless · 15/07/2018 21:42

There's me (single parent with chronic illness) and him. He's 15.

I want to know AIBU? And what I can do, if anything in the face of his refusal to do chores and just being point blank ignored on this issue Confused.

I don't want to write an essay. But this week/weekend in total I have asked him to do 4 chores: empty the bin (once); hang the washing up to dry (once); clean the bathroom and do the washing up (once). He managed the small amount of washing up once - though spread over 2 evenings with much nagging. The rest - he's just ignored me, despite me asking several times. In the end I had to do them myself.

I know teenagers resist housework, I understand, but I don't ask much. Ignoring me about it is just beyond the pale and completely disrespectful IMO.

Will be giving no pocket money this weekend as a consequence. But he's got a few hundred saved so I doubt he cares to be honest.

I can't live like a disrespected slave for the next 3 years is how I feel. I really am totally fucked off tonight about it - I can't even be bothered to argue about it or think of a plan or talk when I've calmed down blah blah (done all that before). This is the first time its been complete refusal and ignoring point blank though. He's just made a smoothie and left the mess for me in the kitchen to clear up too now.

Question 1. AIBU?

Question 2. What can I do?

Anyone been through this? Anything work?

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 15/07/2018 21:44

YANBU. Just stop doing anything for him. And lock the fridge! Ungrateful little swine.

StrugglingMumma · 15/07/2018 21:49

I change the WiFi code if I have to re ask if chores are done yet. Doesn't happen much now that he (14) has set chores to do every week.

BMW6 · 15/07/2018 21:54

Change WiFi code
Don't do any of his washing or ironing.
Don't cook or prepare any food for him. He can make himself a sandwich or beans on toast.

He is treating you with disrespect. He is not a little child - at 15 he is old enough to do his fair share. Don't put up with it.

WineAndTiramisu · 15/07/2018 21:57

As @BMW6 says, he may change his tune when he has no internet or clean clothes!

Original poster
AdventureFruitless · 15/07/2018 21:58

Totally agree.

The Wifi code is going to be changed once I've worked out how to do it.

No cooking or washing.

If he leaves a mess of washing up, I'm gonna put it in his room.

No pocket money.

Smile
OP posts:
PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 15/07/2018 21:58

I don't have any advice but NO YANBU in your expectations. It's difficult and teenagers can lack empathy and be lazy little sods. I agree with holding him hostage with the wifi password!

Original poster
AdventureFruitless · 15/07/2018 22:00

Thanks for ideas. Feel a bit better/relieved.

Its a really strange, helpless feeling when someone just refuses point blank to do something - or ignores you. You honestly don't know what to do Confused.

I feel quite clear, but still angry. But there's no point in being angry. Just consequences.

OP posts:
ToadsforJustice · 15/07/2018 22:00

You can't do anything. Nothing will work. You will just have to ride it out. He will eventually emerge as a decent human. I speak from experience I've had two teenage boys.

Original poster
AdventureFruitless · 15/07/2018 22:03

thanks Toad. feel so upset at the moment.

OP posts:
weaselwords · 15/07/2018 22:11

@ToadsForJustice is right. They are horrible at this age but by 18 he’ll be a delight. Just keep going!

ToadsforJustice · 15/07/2018 22:13

They can be little shits and you can't believe that the little boys that wouldn't let you out of their sight has turned into such twats. I used to tell them I still loved them even though they found it impossible to put a dirty plate in the dishwater or it was the end of the world if I asked one of them to let the dog into the garden for a pee. Apparently I was soooo unreasonable and demanding. It was all forgotten ten minutes later when one of them wanted a lift somewhere. "If you don't help me every now and then, I won't help you" is what I used to say to them. No punishment. I had the upper hand because there was always something they wanted.

It will get better.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 15/07/2018 22:17

Just had the same here

Read him the riot act, then left with the router (petty/spiteful?!) And took myself for a swim and a coffee

He had to fend for himself for dinner (there was bread, ham and pot noodles. I did not feel like cooking)

When I came home, he'd done the laundry and walked the dog, and said sorry

I just sometimes need to show him my hurt feelings!

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 15/07/2018 23:06

When you've calmed down, ask him the answer honestly why he didn't do them. Does he have to do a lot all the time because of your illness?

Stopping cooking or washing clothes of a child is very petty though, you are supposed to be his parent.

Original poster
AdventureFruitless · 15/07/2018 23:34

No, he does very little Boxsets, as I outlined in my OP - not much for a whole 7 days. I'd rather give him a few things that he will (hopefully) definitely do. So I know where I am - I have to plan what I can manage healthwise for the week ahead. If I'm too unwell to do it, it just doesn't get done. I rarely complain.

I don't want to be petty either. But I don't feel like being a doormat, washing and cleaning and clearing up after him in passive silence (since speaking gets no response). I wouldn't say he's exactly a "child" either - he's 16 in 2 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdventureFruitless · 15/07/2018 23:35

I could ask him honestly why he didn't do it though, when he's calmer. We'll see how things go.

OP posts:
StillMedusa · 15/07/2018 23:40

As Toad says...
He will emerge from his selfish teenage cocoon at about 18 and ask you if you'd like a cup of tea (and you'll nearly faint in shock Grin )

TBH my ds1 is still fairly useless at 25 ..his g/f live with us and definitely does more than he does, but if I give a direct order, he does it without complaint!

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 15/07/2018 23:43

Take back control,

Turn off the WiFi and don't let him have the code until he does his chores,

For every chore he doesn't do start deducting money from his allowance

If he won't do chores then he doesn't get to do fun stuff like go to cinema or meet with friends...

If there are any TV shows he likes watching then if he doesn't do chores he doesn't watch it...

Basically you need to take back control and show him you are the parent and you make the rules

tallwivglasses · 16/07/2018 00:09

I found insisting on NOW, right now, not later, not in 2 minutes, but NOW (or consequences) worked quite well. I was worse than any other mother she knew but we get on great now she's 26. Now! No debate!

SmellyNelly2018 · 16/07/2018 00:21

Yes the in a minute and ignoring drives me pots with 14 year old DS.
DH is all for my not washing his clothes, not making his meals and for shutting the door of his untidy bedroom.
He sees it as his right/duty to play on Xbox, his phone and IPad every waking moment when he isn’t at school or asleep. If I ask him to do a tiny thing you’d think i’d Asked him to clean the house from top to toe and run into town naked.

Original poster
AdventureFruitless · 16/07/2018 00:52

I'm hoping he will change by the age of 18 and its genuinely good to hear the positive stories. I just don't know if I can last that long Confused. Am also liking the Now or Immediate Consequences; a small part of me even thought today ... hmm perhaps he's enjoing the dragging it out "Will I or Won't I?".

So its been a helpful thread.

I'm feeling bit calmer and more resolute.

OP posts:
Chasingcars123 · 16/07/2018 01:02

He sounds perfectly normal. Could you try to disarm him and tell him how much you love him and rely on him. Tell him it would be a great help to you if he helped around the house. You could pay him a few bob for doing some bigger jobs.

Keep the instructions short. Teenagers are not into a lot of communication especially with their parents. Short and sweet. They don't want to listen, they have others things going on in their heads.

Try to keep the lines of communication open. Teenage boys can be very surly and to be honest they just usually grow out of it. Ignore most of the rudeness and walk away. When he is calmer say a few words like I didn't appreciate the way you spoke to me earlier and walk away.

Don't walk yourself into a war with him. It will take more out of you than him.

Ask him if he wants friends over and get some goodies in. You can't live in a war zone for the summer. Encourage him if he does something and tell him he's a big help.

Teenagers can be so annoying!! He's is a lovely boy underneath the rudeness and the grunting.

The alternative is that you keep sniping at one another and the whole thing explodes and he still doesn't tidy up and the atmosphere is awful.

The reason I know this is because my teenage son was a pain in the face and I shouldn't have raised to the bait. His teenage sister was the same. They are older now and lovely again!!

There are some great online resources about how to communicate effectively with teenagers. I found some that helped.

Chasingcars123 · 16/07/2018 01:08

p.s. don't buy any ingredients for smoothies for the foreseeable future. If he asks tell him it's not an option as he didn't clear up after the last one he made.

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