To be a bit annoyed with MIL?

[jojosmaman]

Ok, MIL is lovely, kind, generous and adores my 3month old DS but AIBU to be a bit p*ssed off with her today? She looked after DS last night (overnight at her request- We are going away and so she won't see him for a few weeks so asked if she could spend some time with him) which was really nice of her and gave me and DP a chance to relax but it started a bit awkwardly yesterday. Firstly she turned up at 3pm to pick him up instead of 6pm "as she was passing" and took him off me and preceeded to put him in his car seat- I didnt even get chance to give him a cuddle! Ok, so he was gone and I missed him immediately but at least I could catch up on jobs and look forward to going out for dinner. Whilst we were out she rang at 9 to say he was wide awake and didnt want to go to sleep (he has always gone to bed at 7- 7.30 like a dream) but ok maybe it was because he was in a change of environment. And then today, she came back with him and told us that he didnt wake until 4.45am from 9.30pm- Great I said, that's not too bad, one night feed. But no, she had got him dressed at 5am ready for the day and then told me that he had only had a couple of short naps in the car so he might be tired! If he wakes at 5am for me, he has a little feed and then back to bed until 7.30 ish as he is knackered but just wants a little bit of milk! DP has told her a million times what his routine is and its as if she purposely doesnt want to follow it as she knows better (ie, "he needs baby rice now, he's hungry", "have you got any brandy to rub on his gums" "don't let him sleep in the day so he sleeps at night"- these are just a few of the recent gems). Its as if she uses him for comfort, she never lets him sleep as she always wants to be chatting and playing with him and she takes it upon herself to change his feeding habits.

The final straw was when they came back I got him out of the car seat and gave him the biggest cuddle and then was holding him whilst chatting but after a few minutes he was starting to get a bit tetchy (I wonder why??!!) and she just came over and took him out of my arms as if to say I can't soothe him?

There are a million other examples of things that have wound me up but I'd be here all night. But then I feel bad thinking like this as she is really good to me, always bringing gifts and flowers. Actually I feel a bit better now I've vented but aibu to have felt like this?

It sounds like she adores him, can't get enough of him and is not very good at sticking to a routine. Brandy is of course ridiculous, baby rice at three months is what she was taught and not napping during the day to ensure a good night's sake sounds as if it might make sense but doesn't. But speaking as someone without a mother in law or a mother I would put up with almost any level of nonsense if my children had grandparents to love them.

You are not being unreasonable, my MIl is just the same, well meaning, adores her grandsons but utterly infuriating...I'm afraid you just have to try and tweak them and wait until baby is old enough to express their own preferences!

Oh she is mental

You are very patient and no you're not bu to be irritated by her. But well done for not being a mad DIL and making a big deal out of it. I'm afraid she has adoring granny syndrome and it can make them a bit selfish around their precious gc's.

i totally understand why you are annoyed. my xmil was a nightmare, she tried to take over everything. i think you have to decide how annoyed you are. can you put up with this? if not you need to put your foot down and not let her have him overnight, which may upset your dh, will def upset your mil and will mean you cant go out as often. if you are not that annoyed you accept she will do things differently, allow her to get away with what you can put up with and come on here to vent about the rest

Grandparents are supposed to come out with such gems, it's 'the law!' I think you're very lucky to have her tbh.

I'm of the opinion that if you're going to let someone else look after your child, for how ever long, then you must accept that some things are going to be done 'their' way.

essentially, your mil loves your ds to death and would do anything for him. That's the most important thing.

She sounds like she loves him to bits and how many of us have forgotten how we looked after our first child from a couple of years ago, never mind 30 odd years ago.

Be firm with her. Write his routine down so she knows what it is and if there is anything you feel very strongly about - brandy wtf?? then offer an alternative eg, bonjela.

you got a whole nights sleep for free. I would put up with a whole lot more than a change of routine for that.

No, you are not unreasonable. I have the same problem with my MIL, who like yours is generous to a fault, but she does not understand the concept of wanting to establish a routine, and she does not want to understand that although the things she did 40 years ago obviously worked for her, times have changed and we simply do things differently now(eg not to put dd in her cot on her tummy, and the risks of overheating by putting way too much clothing on her). And most of all that dd is my daughter, not hers. I have to admit, I blew my lid at MIL for stuffing a dummy in dd's mouth every time she opens it after I had specifically asked her nicely, several times, not to. My mum is happy to do the same as I do for dd, so why can't MIL??? I've come to the conclusion MIL is a control freak (but she's met her match in me ).

Don't get me wrong NKF, I am hugely grateful for everything she does for us and its amazing how much she adores my little boy, and in my eyes, anyone who loves him as much as I do will always have an important place in his life. In fact, I am always defending her to DP as he thinks she is too obsessed with DS but I have said its better that than she doesnt love him- its her first grandchild. TBH I think it is hormonal half the time, I had an emergency section and felt I didnt really bond with him until recently. I felt like she used to judge me and think that I didnt love him or cuddle him enough but I am sure I was just looking into to deeply. But at the same time she wanted to take him away for a weekend when he was just 6 weeks old but I said no as he was too young and she was not happy and basically said that I am trying to keep him to myself and he'll become clingy!

I suppose being a new mum brings a load of emotional issues and I'll just have to get used to them!!

Phew loads of messages in there whilst I replied to the first! From reading them it seems like she is pretty normal then as far as far as MIL's go, and yes I think half of it stems from the mum knows best syndrome and she probably thinks as she brought up three boys under three at the same time she has a certain amount of authority on parenting! As well, my own mum is not like this at all so I suppose it only highlights MIL's behaviour.

ROFL at the suggestion of bonjela as an alternative to brandy

I'd be really pissed off if a waiter in a restaurant offered me bonjela after a good meal as an alternative to brandy

jojosmaman

It could be worse, when dd stayed at MIL not only did she do things against our wishes she wrote a list of what time dd had eaten and how much, when she slept and changed her nappy and what it contained (sorry if TMI).

I just except that she will never agree with what and how dh and me have decided how we will bring up our dd + bump.

Her lastest idea is that dd goes and stays with them when i have this baby for a week as this is what my SIL did. She was quite put out when i told her that under know circumstance would dd be sent away and will be involved with the baby from day one.

Well MILs are always gonna annoy us I think.
Personally I think you are overreacting regarding the routine a bit, after all baby is tiny, but I'm a believer in a more relaxed approach anyway, so what do I know?

Anyway, I know my MIL would (and does) annoy me incredibly by doing similar silly things.

But to take baby from you as if you're not able to comfort your own baby is totally wrong IMO

My mother used to do that, it would do my head in

Wish my Mil would show the remotest interest in my DC's - her youngest DGS out of 4 DGS and her only DGG - but no her SIL's boys are her favourite.

That should have been my Sils are her favourite.

I have no patience with people who take babies from parents' arms. Just can't bear it.

Given up trying to understand MILs too!

I don't think you;re over reacting at all. He is your son and she should do as you wish. If you are happy for everything to be on demand, then not a problem, but you obvioulsy like some kind of routine and find that this works well for you, how dare she go against this!

And as for taking him out of your arms , if she does that again and you;re not happy just take him straight back and say I can manage thank you.

I have to say well done for leaving him at that age - I'm too much of a control freak and wouldn;t leave either of my DD's overnight at that age, not even with my mum who I know would follow my routine exactly! Thats just me by the way not at all a criticism of you or anyone else

YANBU. And I would be pretty cheesed off too. I'd be having words TBH.

I don't understand the POV that we should be grateful our relatives are looking after our children and therefore they should be able to do as they wish with them. That's ridiculous.

You have to be able to trust people who look after your children. Even if you don't want the kids to have sweets simply because you prefer it that way, people should respect that. Sod the grandparents' law! What law is that then?

The parents are bringing up the kids how we want. If GPs don't like it or don't agree, that's tough.

Take your child back from anyone who whisks them away from you. It doesn't sound like your MIL has a lot of respect for you. Don't let her take the p*ss. Even if your preferences are neurotic (which these aren't), it doesn't matter. It's your child.

you are nbu, i would put a hold on any more vernight visits, saying that he was really usettled when yuo got him back, it may have been because he was ina strange place... yes its lovely having a nice mil--lucky you, but you may need to set the goalposts right tostart with. Especailly reagrding the pulling out of your arms

i think she sounds lovely.

my ex mil was a bloody nightmare! i wish that ds's routine had been my main worry where she was concerned.

i dont think you're being unreasonable but i do think you're a bit sensitive about the situation... not to sound patronising.

of course, im comparing her to my ex mil who would make up mystery illnesses for ds and take him to doctors twice a week, constantly lie to me about what health visitor said, throw away the home cooked meals i sent, slate me at every oppurtunity when i didn't send nappies (as i knew she was stockpiling them) and generally tell me i was a cruel bitch mother for taking away his dummy at three years old, blah blah etc. and when i finally had enough of her controlling ways and took ds to a childminder instead she swore she'd fight me in court for custody of him. "on what grounds?" i asked. "because you work" she screamed.

"ok" says i, carry on

she was the mil from hell!

Jojosmaman - sorry I didn't mean to sound scolding. I know how irritating it can be to be told to be grateful about something that you find irritating. And I know that my own mother in law would have driven me mad.

I just think that new babies cause upheavals in relationships. Lovely upheavals too but also this weird tension between generations. Your son's birth probably reminds her of her own time as a new mum and all that.

Also, we'll all be old bats one day annoying our daughters-in-law and I'd exercise loads of tolerance now in the hope of good karma and reaping my reward and getting my hands on the grandchildren later.