3-year-old constantly butting in conversation - how to deal/expect others to deal?

[ludicrousmode]

DS is 3, very good speech, chatty, articulate, curious and bright - not saying this to brag but because people may forget he's still only 3 when they talk to him. He does talk ALL THE TIME and often when I'm talking to DH or my mum etc. I may 'indulge' him by breaking off to acknowledge him with a 'yes, that's right' or answer a quick question then resume talking. (I know if I don't he'll just keep on asking!)

If me and DH / mum are trying to actually have a proper conversation we'll tell him 'I'm just talking to daddy now and I'll talk to you in a minute' although this can end in a strop (as does a lot of things). (Trying to teach him some manners but also realising he's 3 and his world still revolves around himself).

However when visiting friends (mainly those without kids) they just ignore what he's trying to say to them and talk over him, usually about the 5th time they will do the 'I'm just talking to X right now'. But then I think they're surprised about how much he keeps on. Which 90% of the time he wouldn't if someone just said 'yes ok' - maintaining several conversations at once is perhaps a bit of a parent skill. This is probably part of a wider lack of understanding (or care! which is fair enough) that visiting adult friends who just stand round talking is very boring for a 3-yr-old. They are enthusiastic about playing with him but only for a few minutes until they realise how repetitive/absorbing it can be then go back to talking!

Obviously all this is normal adult behaviour but I do feel for him a bit when he's trying to join in the 'adult world' (nicely - I don't mean when he's whining etc) and is ignored. AIBU to think if you invite friends/family with a 3-year-old you should make a bit of an effort to get on his level or should he be there to learn that adults shouldn't be interrupted? I realise I sound very indulgent to my child but I'm not really, it's just how I've worded it to get my point across. We're quick to punish actual bad behaviour, too much attention-seeking etc so I sort of think if he's otherwise behaving nicely just constantly talking/asking questions then I don't want to punish that?

On a separate note, when we're at friends, them ignoring him then tends to mean me or DH have to entertain him a bit which sort of defeats the point of visiting a bit! Or perhaps that's always par for the course- one of us always missing out on what's going on to an extent!

The one parent having to entertain while the other socialises is perfectly normal - not sure what else you're expecting to happen? DH & I will share so person whose friends they are gets to do more socialising or we split it half & half if more joint friends.

Re the interrupting, it's not socially acceptable so I think it is something important to teach - it's not because adult conversations are more important just that anyone already talking doesn't deserve to be interrupted. Around 2 yo we taught ours that if they had something to say when we were talking to someone else, they needed to put their hand on ours to show us. We'd then put our other hand over theirs to show we knew they had something to say when there was a break in the conversation. They're 6 & 4 now and it still works brilliantly.

I teach 5yos & the number who think patting me & shouting my name when I'm talking to someone else is the way to get attention is quite something at the start of the year! Hand trick works for them too :-)

So while everyone is chatting, what is the expectation for your 3 year old to be doing? Of course someone should be entertaining him. He should be able to entertain himself for a while as long as he is given the tools to do so, but how long are you expecting him to be ignored for?

Bambamber
Playing twirriling
Running around in circles
Things 3 year old do

I only ever seen this encouraged by AP people and it’s awful to watch

Bambamber

So while everyone is chatting, what is the expectation for your 3 year old to be doing? Of course someone should be entertaining him. He should be able to entertain himself for a while as long as he is given the tools to do so, but how long are you expecting him to be ignored for?

It’s best you teach him now as once he turns for he will be roundly viewed as a pain in school if he can’t wait his turn to speak

Honestly I think you sound a bit bonkers, the solution here is to a) entertain him properly and b) teach him that's it's rude to interrupt. It definitely isn't training all the Adults in you social circle to break off their conversations to acknowledge him

I think there's a bit of both things needed - your son obviously does need not to interrupt but also needs to learn to feel appreciated and listened to as well. I've also got a very chatty nearly 4yo and while he does tend to blather on to anyone who's in front of him, I think he's slowly starting to grasp the concept of taking turns and letting other people say their piece. I'm careful to always give him a clear space to say what he needs to say and to respond in a suitably interested way (!). But he also needs to then accept that he's had his say and needs to let other people speak now. We're sort of slowly getting there.

As far as other people go...I can't really be arsed with people who can't be arsed with my kids to be honest. At least, I can't be doing with the stress of trying to shield them from my 3 yo and toddler just being their (sometimes annoying) 3 and 1 year old selves. In theory I could spend time with people who can't be arsed with my kids when the kids aren't there, but in reality, if they can't be bothered to engage with what is right now a major part of my life then I'm probably not going to make a huge effort for them either. I've lost touch with one or two friends this way but no one I really miss; good friends will want to have some sort of relationship with your children too surely? (Not a popular MN position I realise).

Um yes, of course one of you has to entertain him and you and DH will effectively take turns conversing properly with your friends. Unless you plonk him in front of the tv of course. Or did you expect him to pull out his own little copy of the Financial Times and sit down to read quietly for an hour?

And of course adult conversations in the presence of small children are very 'stop start'. Either you keep on listening to the other adult, while attending to your child, or you pause the adult convo for a moment, attend to him, then continue seamlessly. The latter is a very normal 'parent mode' of conversation and works fine, if both adults are used to it. It does take a bit of getitng used to and is initially irritating for non-parents. But, once you gain confidence that teh other adult is listening to you, their attention hasn't drifted, they're just pausing, it works well.

Also, of course your ds needs to be spoken to politely, conversed with and involved in things by other adults, if he is to learn how to take part in conversation. Talking over him is rude, if he is part of the conversation (or trying to be part), not just seeking your attention. I do feel cross with adults who won't 'model' the good manners they claim to expect from children, when speakign with them.

Er, not the job of your friends to entertain your son when you're visiting them! Also not their job to know how you want him to be parented.

He does need to learn not to interrupt. Every time he does it tell him 'mummy's talking, wait for a moment' and then every few minutes pause your conversation with the adult to give him your attention for a couple of minutes. He will learn to wait if he knows your attention will be forthcoming.

..and of course you need to help him learn not to interrupt too. (I'm still working on this with a 6yo but it does get better).

I think you need to make a distinction, with your friends and ds, about when he is part of the conversation and when he isn't. If he is properly talked to and involved by others, if they take an interest in him, ask him questions, listen to and follow up on the answers, some of the time, then he will be able to learn to recognise what is 'a conversation I am part of' and how this differs from 'Mummy and her friend having their own conversation'. If he's left out all the time he will become frustrated. If he expects ot be involved all the time then he won't learn the concept of 'conversations between people'.

Also, I think if he knows you will give him your attention within quite a short period of time, if briefly, then he won't get so frustrated and feel the need to interrupt (eventually).

Point taken that we should expect one parent to be entertaining him - I do usually expect this, I think it just grates a bit when I'm pretty isolated on mat leave, finally get a chance to drive an hour to see real human adults then just get relegated to entertaining child then driving home. DH is lovely but has no idea of time so just chats away and everyone wants to talk to him anyway! But that's just specific to this particular time.

thank you sdaisy pigs and lottie good ideas/good points. I actually can't wait for some of these friends to have kids too... but I know it is a shock if you don't have them. I remember meeting the 1-year-old of my first friend to have kids and being amazed at how she could barely complete a sentence without breaking away to chase/console/feed the kid. Completely normal of course!

At a family gathering everyone's chatting all the time so he obviously needs to interrupt/ join in at some point. but yeah tips to help him be a bit more patient (!! Ha) appreciated!

My 3yo still interrupts me. It’s like he just can’t hold it in. I’m going to try the hand trick, thanks for the tip!

Ok, well your DH needs to be lovely to you too.

If he loses track of time, I think you need to agree in advance how long your 'shifts' with DS are - swap every half hour or hour, so that when you say to him 'could you take DS now', he says 'yes of course, my turn' and does it, rather than you having to discuss it at the time.