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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to force DD16 to talk about contraception

14 replies

PookieDo · 15/07/2018 13:33

DD has her first sort of boyfriend and he is in the year above her at school - so he is 17. He also looks more young man than young lad as well although my DD looks young for her age

They are never alone indoors together and tend to hang out in the park (during broad daylight) and text a lot. I know where she is at all times

I think we should talk about safe sex and contraception. DD does not want to and absolutely adamant that she thinks sex is gross and ‘would never do it’ which goes to show her immaturity really

I don’t feel comfortable with just accepting the line she wouldn’t do it seen as she actually has a boyfriend now.

We actually have a really open relationship - no taboo with periods, poo and personal problems but sex is the one thing she seems to really struggle to talk about. My concern is immaturity may lead to disaster. I don’t want to force something on her she doesn’t like but surely this is all part of growing up? She knows most of the facts but IMO now it’s time to get real. Things can escalate and I want her to be well informed and prepared. He could be ready when she isn’t

AIBU to kind of push The Chat?

OP posts:
GrumpyInsomniac · 15/07/2018 13:38

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. It's parenting. Get her some condoms and remind her that you need to have this conversation, because it should happen now, before she feels like actually having sex, rather than when her period is late and she's panicking about a potential pregnancy because she suddenly found herself carried away and not thinking of the consequences.

I think she's lucky to have a mum who admits the likelihood of her having sex before marriage and wants to have a sensible conversation to help protect her. I might have been hugely embarrassed if my mum had tried to have the conversation with me, but if I'm honest, it would have helped a lot to know she was more accepting of my having any sexual behaviour and not just relying on me to be a good girl who was saving herself.

HollowTalk · 15/07/2018 13:41

I'd look out for a good book for teenagers on sex education - maybe someone here could recommend one? She's clearly not ready for sex and I wouldn't be buying condoms for her just yet.

Original poster
PookieDo · 15/07/2018 13:42

Thanks - yes agree this is not condoning anything but trying to avert disaster. If she doesn’t like this chat then she wouldn’t like having to go get help for an STI or unwanted pregancy either would she!
I say it to her a lot but want to really talk about being ready and not pressured into anything. He seems a nice boy but you don’t know what other children have been taught by their own parents do you

OP posts:
Hillstreamloach · 15/07/2018 13:45

She's 16 and they learn all the practical stuff at school. I think the more important thing is to talk to her about her relationship with her bf. If she really doesn't want sex and isn't just trying to avoid an embarrassing conversation then she needs to know he might not (probably doesn't) feel the same way and she needs the confidence to know what she wants and avoid getting pushed into anything she isn't comfortable with.

BlueBug45 · 15/07/2018 13:46

I've got a few friends who had the chat and then were dragged to a FP clinic by their mothers at the same age. It worked as then they weren't afraid to talk about sexual health with other people, didn't get pregnant or STIs.

In my case my mum refused to talk about it and then had a fit because I was put on the pill due to my periods. She clearly hasn't realised what all the permission slips she had been signing yearly for school since I was about 7 were for, and that other female relations would talk to me.

Sparklesocks · 15/07/2018 13:46

It might be a good opportunity to talk not just about condoms etc but consent, not being pushed into anything before you are ready etc?

NewYearNewMe18 · 15/07/2018 13:47

This is covered in depth at school.

Frankly, old school that I am, I cant think of anything more excruciating than talking about sex with your parent. Get some leaflets if you must, and leave them on her bed.

Original poster
PookieDo · 15/07/2018 13:54

I don’t expect or want to hear any details of anything that has or may happen and most of the practical stuff is covered in School.

But she has no contraception and may feel too embarrassed to ask me. So I can point her where to go and that she doesn’t need my permission. I can buy condoms and just leave them in her room (they aren’t cheap and she would be too shy to buy them!)
I can tell her exactly where she can go for any help or advice that isn’t me

I do mainly want to talk to her about consent and her relationship. The boy seems very very keen on her, and I sometimes wonder if he does ever pressure her into meeting up

OP posts:
Original poster
PookieDo · 15/07/2018 21:20

She took it pretty ok.
It is actually surprising what they don’t quite know - she knew there was ‘somewhere’ she could go for contraception or sexual health but not actually where it was or how you go there, she assumed she would have to tell or ask me too

She said she understood why I was having the chat but it wasn’t required yet

The condoms were very funny - she instantly knew they were MY condoms (she had seen them in my room) and freaked out, refused to touch them and chucked them at me 😂

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 16/07/2018 17:26

OP good to hear.

Depending where you are in the country there maybe family planning services specificially for young people, those under 25, where they give them a load of free condoms. (Just make sure your DD gets use to checking the dates of them though.)

If she is scared just go with her the first time but leave her to talk to the nurse on her own.

IgamOgamJones · 16/07/2018 17:53

YANBU No matter how many times she says 'cringe' or 'don't be that mother' say your piece, hopefully she listens, have some condoms for her too maybe, giving girls the power to say 'hang on, wait, wear this' I think is only positive for them. Instead of being passive and then maybe coerced and/or pregnant they have the power to take control of their sex lives at a young age instead of falling into patterns of behaviour. Remember, young people have access to a hell of a lot of pornography, which depicts females as passive at best. Don't be nervous of embarrassing her, you are empowering her by giving her information. Tell her porn is lies too.

Metoodear · 16/07/2018 17:58

I would getting her a 5 year implant as well a talk and a trip down the doctors

Ariela · 16/07/2018 19:57

Send her this link - it's very relevant, and easily viewable.

KindergartenKop · 16/07/2018 20:06

Yes talk to her about:
-contraception and how to access it without your knowledge
-consent
-how an unwanted pregnancy can fuck up your life
-stis

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