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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to love being alone

33 replies

LovelyBath77 · 15/07/2018 13:01

I keep seeing stuff about loneliness and how bad it is for us but I love to be alone. Even more so since having children. To be able to have time to do as you want, read a book, to not have to be constantly 'on' and responding to people feels so nice. Am I alone in this perhaps. Is it doing me harm? Confused

Maybe it is the difference in how we see it, solitude versus loneliness?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 15/07/2018 13:02

Isn’t it the difference between choice and not?

You choose solitude
Loneliness is often enforced due to circumstance

tenterden · 15/07/2018 13:04

YANBU. I feel quite sorry for people who cannot tolerate their own company, it must make life quite difficult.

I have a job where I have to be "on" and am very peopled out by the end of the day. Am currently sipping a cup of tea and wriggling my toes in the sunshine, very happy indeed to be alone.

I have holidayed alone several times (utter bliss) and go to cinema alone sometimes. I do also go with friends and do socialise but probably not as much as most people do. Horses for courses I guess.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/07/2018 13:08

Yanbu, I would imagine most parents crave some alone time away from their dc.
That is a completely different thing from loneliness.
It's all about choice. If you choose to be alone, that's lovely, if you've got no choice, that's loneliness.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 15/07/2018 13:10

Sometimes, I don't have the choice though. But still quite happy being alone! Maybe we are just different.

OP posts:
thumpingcrook · 15/07/2018 13:11

We always want what we haven’t got.

Would I love a day in bed after a busy week at work, yes, would I like to be disabled and bed bound, no.

Same with being alone

be careful what you wish for

Zoflorabore · 15/07/2018 13:12

I'm exactly the same op Smile

JacquesHammer · 15/07/2018 13:12

Sometimes, I don't have the choice though

Not sure what you mean by this, but your moments of solitude (enforced or otherwise) appear to be temporary.

Loneliness isn’t

VladmirsPoutine · 15/07/2018 13:14

I also love being alone but I'm never lonely. I suspect you are conflating different aspects of solitude.

MoonsAndJunes · 15/07/2018 13:15

Imagine not having the family or friends you have at all. They are gone, you are not supported by anyone and are isolated. It's just you and your 4 walls day in day out.
That is lonliness.
You choose to spend time alone as I do. I love it. However, I have a family and choose to spend time with them as well.
Lonliness comes from isolation or lack of support.

HarshingMyMellow · 15/07/2018 13:15

I've got a DD who's with me all the time, yet I feel very lonely.

I would find an hour without her nice for the peace and quiet but the loneliness never goes away.

There is a big difference I think.

9amTrain · 15/07/2018 13:15

I need a lot of alone time... it varies.

Currently I need alone time almost constantly. Social interaction is draining and I don't want to leave the house or see anyone. I can go months without seeing friends who only live 2 minutes away.

Yet at the same time I do feel lonely because of it so I can't win.

Screams Akon's 'Lonely' into the night

MoonsAndJunes · 15/07/2018 13:19

Sometimes, I don't have the choice though. But still quite happy being alone! Maybe we are just different.

As others have said, this is temporary. I can happily go days without talking to anyone but I know if it was my permanent situation, I would be very lonely.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 15/07/2018 13:20

I suppose, we can be lonely and with people, and alone and not lonely.

OP posts:
VelvetGreen · 15/07/2018 13:20

I like my own company which is just as well as I work from home on my own, and I love solitude. I also have a family and friends, so am noy lonely. Lonliness is not having anyone to spend Christmas with, no-one to cook a nice meal for, no-one to care when you're having a shit day/good day, never having anyone to randomly waffle at, having no-one who values you. That is a very different thing to needing time to yourself.

bringincrazyback · 15/07/2018 13:21

Ohmigosh I need solitude like I need air, in fact I've just posted a thread on a related topic. I'm fortunate in that DH is the same and we tend to work around each other's needs for alone time pretty seamlessly most of the time, we don't have kids living with us (my stepdaughter is an adult), and generally I get about a ton more space and alone time than most women my age, which I cherish so much. In fact, I believe many of us need solitude as a contrast in order to fully appreciate other people when we spend time with them - that's definitely true for me, anyway.

sirmione16 · 15/07/2018 13:22

There's been studies which show biological and physiological differences in people who prefer to socialise more than others. Something to do with having a certain chemical or hormone in us and if you have less than you need more "thrill" or "socialisation" to build it up, if you have a lot then you need less and actually might even find busier settings overwhelming.

So no, not weird

thumpingcrook · 15/07/2018 13:24

Yes, you can be lonely surrounded by people, but my situation is not an enviable one.

Since January 3, I can count on one hand the times I’ve spent with others. Two days in February with friend and her DD. Two and a half days in April away with friends. One coffee with a colleague I don’t actually like much. That’s it.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 15/07/2018 13:24

I wonder if self chosen solitude is not bad for us then, if we are happy and Ok with it. It seems to be to do with cortisol, the loneliness being bad for us.

OP posts:
Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 15/07/2018 13:25

I've spend one day with a friend in the last 6 months (outside family) which was quite enough for me.

OP posts:
thumpingcrook · 15/07/2018 13:26

That’s like saying you’ve been out for a meal once but you’re not hungry because you get cooked for at home. Clumsily put but you get my point.

Onlyjoinedforthisthread · 15/07/2018 13:26

Massive difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be lonely, very lonely in a crowded room. You can also be alone and not be lonely.

Oblomov18 · 15/07/2018 13:28

I need a lot of time alone. But solitude, enjoying your own company, is totally different to loneliness.

scoobyd2 · 15/07/2018 13:39

'Alone' does not mean 'lonely'.

As PP have said, you can be surrounded by people, and lonely.

Some people just prefer solitude. I do. I can talk for England in company, when it suits me. But I love my own company, love doing things by myself, and am desperate for my own space if I spend too much time 'peopling'. I worked out years ago I am happiest that way. But for others, that would be sheer hell.

Original poster
LovelyBath77 · 15/07/2018 13:41

Hmm, yes found this which says solitude might be a good thing health wise

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loneliness

Solitude can have positive effects on individuals. One study found that, although time spent alone tended to depress a person's mood and increase feelings of loneliness, it also helped to improve their cognitive state, such as improving concentration. Furthermore, once the alone time was over, people's moods tended to increase significantly

OP posts:
OkMaybeNot · 15/07/2018 13:44

As others have said, alone isn't the same as lonely.

If I knew I was probably going to spend every day by myself, minimal friends to speak of, absent/no children, absent/no partner... I would be lonely. We're social creatures us humans.

But would I fucking jump on the chance to spend a week by myself doing nothing but sleep, eating pizza and watching Netflix? Of course I would. But I'd enjoy it knowing that it would come to an end at some point.