To be annoyed at my neighbour for calling my DD a name

[Mamawingingit1234]

We live is a very close small community where everyone knows each other and usually get on well.

In the last 2 months my neighbour has really annoyied/upset me in how she talks/refers to my DD.

She witnessed a 2 year old tantrum where my DD was playing on her hoppy horse and her friend (our other neighbour and good friends DD) wanted a it (my DD has only just got it out to play on) I clearly heard her say no and her friend who is only a month older was trying to lift/pull her off it so she could have it. Her mum was mid sentence saying no and I was mid sentence saying it’s ok when she lashed out and it hit her. My DD was told off, brought into the house to calm down (she was crying) and we went outside after a few minutes to say sorry and play again. 5min later both girls where holding hands running and laughing.
Now my neighbour who is a bit older with kids in their early 20’s made a few comments but I let it go. Now weeks later every time I saw her she’d make a comment about how my DD just went for her friend usually in front of her.

Now yesterday it was a similar situation. We were in our front garden with a paddling pool and toys out. Her friend (the same girl as above) came round and they were playing lovely. Then another neighbour walked by with her DS and they joined it. My DD was sharing her toys. Handing out biscuits and watermelon to them and all just generally having a nice time. FF 30mins they started getting precious about who had which toy. So I brough out animals for them to walk. My DD already had a lion and was playing with it. Her friend wanted it but was ok with a zebra instead. This for good for a few minutes but somehow she ended up with it and my DD got a but upset but we talked it out and said friend was having a turn so she can have a shot of the zebra. All normal 2 year old things I think. 10 sec later I think someone picked up a toy and she got really upset and started crying it’s mine. Before I could even get a word it the neighbour piped up quite loudly with “oh here she comes, here she comes. Miss selfish”. I honestly didn’t sense any jokey tones.

It’s really got to me. AIBU to be pissed off? Should I say anything?

YANBU-that was an unkind thing to say about a toddler being a toddler. Next time could you perhaps calmly point that out?

YaNBU that would really piss me off too! Are you friendly with this neighbour normally? As in could you drop by for a cup of tea later and tell her her comment upset you and you would appreciate her not making any comments about DDs behaviour unless asked as it is upsetting for both you and DD. If your not friendly next time she does it I would say something really blunt to her about how it's not on and it's rude and you'd of thought she'd have learnt "if you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything" by her age.

I would tell her in no uncertain terms to mind her own business. Your daughter is 2 years old! Miss Judgey next door needs to be more cornerned with her own character.

Yanbu. That’s a horrible thing to say to a two year old and I do think what you’ve said about your dd is all pretty standard 2yo behaviour.

My dd has play dates like this aplenty. I think I’d have probably said something to my neighbour if she said this to my dd, but I’m quite forthright.

You should have said something there and then.

Agree that you should have called her out on it there & then - she was totally out of order.

YANBU - she's two!

If she persists I'd respond perhaps with a remark about Miss Nosey or Miss Judgey, who is old enough to know acceptable behaviour!

Next time she says it say "what do you mean?". I find it useful in situations like this as they have to explain themselves and it gives you time to come up with a reaction. Then you can reply to whatever she says by saying she's a normal 2 year old and you'd rather she didn't call her names. Some people are intolerant to normal child behaviour. And some people are just knobs.

What Loladolly said. I've used this tactic at work before when someone's making nobby comments. You call them out on it and they are forced to explain, then you can respond. It puts you in control of the situation so you'll feel more confident. Its horrible when people pipe up with stuff like this cos when you're not expecting it you never respond how you'd like to. You'll be ready next time OP and if anything else gets said then you should speak up. If she's gonna give it she should expect to take it. Cheeky cow.

I'd be tempted to say 'Oh here comes Mrs Rude and Spiteful' when you see her before she gets her oar in. But that's probably not the diplomatic way to go.

Sensible me says, if she does it again say 'please don't say nasty things about DD, she's a very little girl and she's learning. She's isn't doing anything that other toddlers don't do.'

I do think it's important you show your DD that you will stand up to her against nasty people (It's actually a form of bullying if she persistantly calls your DD names - she's singling her out for no good reason)

We were close but I’ve not seen to much of her recently as my youngest is 4 months and feeds like a trooper so I’ve being figuring out live as a mother of 2 and it’s hard.
At the time I said to her just give me a minute before I fully processed what she said, but to be honest I’m not that fast on my feet and end up sitting at home hours later when a response usually comes to me! I so glad I’m not being precious and others think the same. DH who is usually quick to see the best in others was also annoyed.

I think she’s the type if I went over for a coffee to talk about it she would take it badly so I might try the “what do you mean” so I have time to think of a response

Honestly, OP it works. I cam never think what to say at the time and end up having imaginary conversations after the event where I bamboozle them with my one liners. I've used the 'what do you mean?' a couple of times now so it just trips off the tongue. It's so much easier to deal with shitty comments when you do this as you are responding to the actual explanation rather than what they have said in the first place which is normally quite PA. I used it last week when another school mum made a nasty remark about my daughter. She looked quite flustered as she realised her nasty remark would not go ignored and she had to actually explain herself. I personally think it's better than returning name calling or making PA remarks yourself as you are I control and after all it's just a question.

It’s not at all nice to be so mean about a child.

The response is "She is 2 - Miss Judgy-pants needs to get back in her box"

YADNBU, what a terrible thing to say to a child. I wouldn't say that to a child even if they were being selfish (although I might point out that I didn't like their behaviour). In any case your DD sounds like a totally normal 2 year old. An adult wouldn't like it if they were busy using something and a friend grabbed it off them, two year olds are obviously still getting used to how to handle those situations.

She is 2 - Miss Judgy-pants needs to get back in her box

This is bloody brilliant. Please say this next time!

...but she is being a little miss selfish and not wanting to share. It's a pretty accurate name.

Oh - the neighbour is on this thread - what are the chances ?

Of course she isn't being selfish - she's two. She is learnign the rules of social engagement, and her MUm is teaching her how to share. Sharing does not come naturally to children.

Lots of names are accurate (little Miss Fat. Little Mr Sticky out Ears, Little Mr Cry Baby, Little Miss Dim ??) - doesn't make it Ok to call children names and be hurtful and unkind.

Adults should know better than to be nasty. Adults are supposed to model good behaviour, not name calling. Accuracy is not the thing of prime importance when commenting on children and in this case it isn;t even accurate, as the child is too young to have concept of 'types' of behaviour she is reacting quite naturally and then being corrected by her mother when she gets social interaction wrong.

Nosy neighbour does not need to interfere in this scenario at all. She is not teaching the child, she is not helping the situation, her motivation is pure and simple nastiness.

She’s a 2 year old with a fairly new baby sibling , she sounds a perfectly normal 2 year old to me .

Well said kurrikurri.

I’ trying to picture the see-up. You’re playing in the garden with your DC, neighbours with DC and those kids. This woman who doesn’t have kids on the scene is lurking about ready to pass comment??!!
I’m not one for cliqueyness, but can’t see why she would even be interested in hanging around a scenario she’s not involved in — let alone passing judgment loudly. Clearly has too much time on her hands.

I had this before , was at a family get together when a meddling - I mean well meaning relative brought out an old toy and plonked it between my DD (who was a few months shy of 2) and another toddler (almost 3 ) so of course my DD didn’t understand what was happening especially with a group of adults standing around cooing and guffawing and cried when the other kid took her turn.
I took her away from it anyway and got on with the day.
About an hour later , I hear meddling relative loudly declare that other toddler should have the last of a particular sweet as my DD had given her “such a hard time”
I stared her right down and asked her what she had just said what she meant by it.
She nearly shat herself.
Some people just like drama.