Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To not want her to go on holiday now?

22 replies

DannyOD · 15/07/2018 09:14

Apologies in advance - this is going to be long!!

Dd1 (18) is going on holiday with her BF (best friend) soon. The first week it’s just the two of them and then the second week her BFs parents are joining them. She has been on holiday with them a couple of years back and had a good time. She wasn’t originally going as BF was taking her boyfriend but they split up and Dd was asked if she wanted to go in his place.

BF and her parents enjoy having lots of parties and ‘gatherings’ and last night they had a pool party that Dd went to. I had a text from her early in the evening to say that she was sleeping over which was fine so when we went to bed Dh locked the porch.

I was in bed fast asleep when the dog started barking and going nuts and I realised there was someone banging on the porch door. I ran downstairs and saw it was Dd. As soon as I opened it she burst into tears and threw herself at me. I was terrified thinking something had happened to her but she was saying it’s not me don’t worry it’s not me.

Well, it turns out that BFs parents had a massive drunken row. The dad shoved the mum around and pushed her into the sink. BF jumped out of the pool and was screaming at him to leave her mum alone and it got really nasty. Dd wasn’t sure what to do. Whether to stay and help BF or leave. Others there told her to leave with them and she got a cab home. She was terrified as she had never seen or experienced anything like that before.

My question is Aibu to not want her to go away with them now? I am just worried what if it happens whilst she is away with them. She will have nowhere to escape to.

OP posts:

FASH84 · 15/07/2018 09:17

What does she want to do?

FASH84 · 15/07/2018 09:19

Are they all in one villa or do the girls have their own hotel room/accommodation? Would it be possible to change her flight back and she only goes for week one?

Groovee · 15/07/2018 09:19

I wouldn't be happy for my 18 year old to go in this situation. She recently went away to Zante with her whole year group from school and it was fine as they all got on well. But you would hope the parents could behave themselves but obviously with drinking they don't.

Speak to your dd when she gets up and see how it goes x

fourpawswhite · 15/07/2018 09:19

Is her BF and mum okay? I wouldn't have left her or would have brought her with me.

I understand your worry but on the other hand she is 18. What does she want to do? She could go first week and come home second week so BF wasn't alone. I suppose she will have to see what happens today. A neighbour may have called the police and she would be a witness.

Blizzardagain · 15/07/2018 09:22

Could she just go for the first week? It's up to her in reality

HollyGibney · 15/07/2018 09:27

Is her BF and mum okay? I wouldn't have left her or would have brought her with me.

At 18 you probably wouldn't feel confident to stay and mediate or remove anyone from the situation, to be fair.

I'd be very against her going OP. Does she even want to?

Original poster

DannyOD · 15/07/2018 09:31

I haven’t spoken to her since she went to bed but dh says he doesn’t want her going on holiday with a violent person.

Dd is only having to take spending money with her on this holiday which we can’t really afford but it was such a lovely opportunity for her we agreed to give her the money so we can’t afford to book a return flight after one week. I believe they will be in attached villas.

OP posts:

tenterden · 15/07/2018 09:43

Well she is 18 so whether or not you want her to go is a moot point.

Firstly I would make sure the friends mother and the friend are OK. It's entirely possible that the parents will no longer be going on holiday together now anyway.

I think in this situation you need to be really calm and collected and say little. See how it plays out and see what DD wants to do.

If the parents are still going, I would probably raid the piggy bank/credit card to pay for a flight home for DD if that is what she agreed to, but obviously you have to accept it is her decision.

GahWhatever · 15/07/2018 09:44

Let her decide. She's 18. I completely understand the worry but at 18 she has to decide for herself.
If she decides that she doesn't want to go then you can step in to protect her from the backlash from her friend's parents if there is one.
If she and her friend were going to be there unaccompanied for the first week will her friend not be able to go either if your DD drops out? Is there any way at all that you could scrape together the money for a flight back once the parents get there?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2018 09:47

Sorry but she witnessed a crime. Is she planning to report the violent assault she witnessed? I know it's important whether she goes on holiday but it's also important that she knows what to do about DV.

Shiftymake · 15/07/2018 09:52

The key word here is 18, you can advice her but she has the final say in this.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2018 09:53

One thing she should have done is phone the police. No she cannot go under these circumstances 18 or not. You need to check on her friend and mother. Odds on this is run of the mill stuff for them. It’s really sad this was her opportunity to go away. But she needs to protect herself and feel safe.

Original poster

DannyOD · 15/07/2018 09:57

I know she is 18 but as we are funding the entire thing I think we can have some say. Yes, it is awkward as the first week BF will have no one - it’s so hard.

Just spoke to Dd. She says the she spoke to BF and it’s all fine now!! I said well it’s not fine because BFs dad attacked her Mum. She said he doesn’t normally act like that he was just drunk. I pointed out that being drunk was absolutely no excuse for his behaviour and that her Dad would never do that drunk or sober. It is such a difficult situation.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/07/2018 09:58

Well, she’s 18 but unable to go if her parents don’t give her the spending money. So OP could halt it if she wanted.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2018 09:59

She is currently being trained to ignore and minimize domestic violence. At the moment. I'm quite shocked actually.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 15/07/2018 10:00

I’d report it to the police tbh. That night be the end of friendship however I think a woman’s safety is the priority.

BewareOfDragons · 15/07/2018 10:30

Based on your daughter's friend's reaction, it sounds like this is something that has happened before: as in, dad was just drunk, so it doesn't 'count' type of reaction. Worrying.

Holidays often include more drinking than usual. I would be concerned. Very concerned. That daughter's friend has 'normalised' this in her mind. And that your daughter is already thinking this is ok, probably so she can go on the holiday with them.

I think you will struggle to stop her from going. You need to know if the girls will have their own villa. And ask your daughter what she's planning to do if it happens again.

Skittlesandbeer · 15/07/2018 10:34

I’m afraid both your DD and her friend are likely to firm their resolve to go, and expect that they can steer clear of the parents during the holiday. Denial, and the months of planning are super-strong motivating forces in young adults. The violence can even feel like drama in a thrilling way, like they are part of some real adult life now.

The ugly, messy, precedent-setting, horrid, illegal, sad, addict aspects of the incident will probably be swept away by the excitement of the outfits they’re packing. And, given they’re 18, there’s not much you can do about it.

I’m the kind of woman who would cancel all the DD’s tix, and offer the best friend sanctuary if she wanted to stay at mine and also ditch the trip. I’d be prepared to be disowned for a decade rather than expose my DD to more of this disgraceful disfunction. I’d text the mother, letting her know she could stay too. I’d be very clear with both those parents that what happened was unacceptable. But I doubt many would agree with my path through this!

unicorn56 · 15/07/2018 10:43

you really need to report this to the police for both the mum and best friends saftey, it seems like they are being taught to minimise the abuse

AgentJohnson · 15/07/2018 10:53

At 18 it s her choice but I wouldn’t be happy about it.

Take this opportunity to discuss DV and boundaries and what ifs. Be very clear that she was fortunate to not be far from home, had people around her to help her and that isn’t going to be the case if she’s abroad. You would find it financially difficult for your DD to come home early if it kicked off again (and given the bf’s response, this probably isn’t the first and sadly won’t be the last time). Being on holiday could actually increase the likelihood of a reoccurrence of the father’s aggression.

Again, ultimately it’s her decision but I would make it very clear that her being in the company of a man who has form for violence makes you very uneasy and it won’t be much of a holiday for you because of the risk.

BewareOfDragons · 15/07/2018 11:24

Perhaps ask her what she's going to do if dad kicks off again.

She's going to be in a foreign country, a plane ride away from home, where help may be limited, and where holiday drinking is likely. What is she going to do? Especially when she is with a friend and a friend's parents who appear to be minimizing and excusing physical abuse. Is she going to lock herself in her villa? Is she going to get involved and try to help her friend? Her friends' mum? Is she going to call the police, which could well end up with dad in a foreign jail and friend and friend's mum not talking to her?

Ask her what her plan is. Make her think about whether or not this is a good idea.

OliviaStabler · 15/07/2018 11:35

Ask her what her plan is. Make her think about whether or not this is a good idea.

I agree with this course of action. She will not have you to run home to and no support system in the holiday place / resort. If she still insists on going, then I'd let her go.

Flip