Parenting an 18 year old

[FrogInASock]

I am an ex-pat in Europe. I have recently taken on an au-pair over the summer to give me some regular help with babysitting. I like the ethos of au-pairing and the concept of cultural exchange and the big sibling role an au-pair can take.

My au-pair is recently turned 18; she appeared at interview to be fairly introverted, but responsible and thoughtful and her family also joined the skype calls to show their support before I offered her the job.

She is a wonderful babysitter, she doesn’t need to do long sole care hours but I definitely feel confident leaving my little one in her care for a few hours at a time while I run some errands but often we are all home together so I see them interact well.

My concern is that my au-pair seems to be getting sucked into the “party lifestyle” that living here offers. Whilst she’s not so far come home drunk or under the influence of drugs (sackable offence) her late nights are becoming later and later. She’ll leave home as soon as dinner is done and not be home until 4-5am. This is happening 5-6 times a week now and so she’s spending more of the mornings just sleeping it off and we see much less of her. I haven’t needed to roster any babysitting in the mornings. I worry because I know this party town has dangerous undercurrents too. Drink spiking is common place, a friend ended up bottled over the head by just being in the vicinity of a brawl outside a nightclub. I just worry that she’s a little young and naive to be putting herself into situations with friends she’s just met on the beach.

I want to treat her as an adult, she is 18, but she’s still in high school with a year left after this summer. I had a chat with her only yesterday about responsibility and being present in the family for at least some time outside of her babysitting hours, yet last night she’s pulled her first “all-nighter” and is still not home at gone 10am. But it’s her day off so she’s actually entitled to do with it as she pleases.

So am I being unreasonable to worry? WIBU to put in measures like curfews or start making up morning shifts to sabotage her late nights? What is considered “normal” summer time behaviour for a high school student? If you’d sent your teenager off to me for the summer how would you want me to deal with it?

I am confused as I remember what I was like at 18! But at that age I had already left home and was living and working independently and getting up to mischief but not living in a family home.

Hmmm, difficult one.
She is an adult and not yours to 'parent' but at the same time I was so naive at 18.
Maybe have an informal chat with her parents since you've already spoken to them and ask their advice.

You will get so many different answers here op but shes being rude staying out all night without telling you if she lives under your roof. Tell her. Explain your concerns. Your her employer and host and have the right to worry aboht her safety.

At 18 shes very young still and in a foreign country. But she is also an adult responsible for your children so shes responsible enough to talk to her like a grown up. Dont pussy foot around just kindly explain why you are concerned about her and maybe aak her to inform you if shes not coming home that night, or aak for a text just to let you know.

You sound lovely

Isnt the idea of an au pair to help lessen your load nit add to your worries.

I think you just have to make her aware if the risks and let her get in with it. She us an adult and so long as it doesn't interfere with her doing her job then it really isnt your concern. Of course because you are a decent person you are naturally worried.

I would keep a discreet eye on her and if there is real worries maybe give her parents the heads up.

Its difficult but she isnt your responsibility

I would say unless it's actually impacting her job then as she's 18 there isn't much you can do. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to let you know if she won't be coming home though so you don't worry.

Well, if her family joined in the Skype calls, maybe you could ask them what they'd like you to do?

It's a tricky age and I think you're right to be concerned. And it's a conundrum isn't it, yes she's an adult, but a very young adult. She's also your responsibility and has to respect the household. But without some freedom she'll be miserable which won't be good for the household.

Talk to her first, if you see no changes I'd be onto to her parents for their input.

I’m not sure about the parenting side of things but does your au pair have any driving duties? If so I’d be worried about her potentially still being over the limit in the afternoon - appreciate the rules may be different in your country.

If that’s an element of her role then I think you’d be justified to raise this.

She is part of your household even though she is an adult. She needs to inform you if she isn't coming home until late or the next day. It's just good manners and for her own safety if anything goes wrong. So ask her to do so.

Also make sure she is aware of where to get medical help from and emergency contraception without prying or judging. (It would have been easier to give her a list of names, addresses and phone numbers of "useful places" when she arrived. )

What Blue and others have said. She is living under your roof so should give you a general idea of her plans, and yes, the idea of giving her a list of addresses is a good one. (you could always say, "oh, this is something I was going to do when you arrived but totally forgot)

If it's any consolation my own 18yo arrived home after daylight this morning and will no doubt be sleeping it off until late afternoon. The difference, of course, is that while I know a fair bit about the undercurrents in this town I also know my own children and know that they know.

Perhaps you should include with your list-that-you-unfortunately-forgot-to-give-her a bit of general advice phrased as tourist information about specific risks you are aware of in this locality. When I did a summer course in Spain as a young 20yo we were warned about dangers in the town, e.g. that the old cathedral was a hot spot for muggings. Didn't feel at all patronising because it was so specific to the place iyswim.

Thank you all for your thoughts. I will definitely be having another conversation with her about the general manners and responsibility bit of letting me know if she's not coming home. She did watsapp me very early this morning to say she was going to stay out with her new friends to watch the sunrise but I've not heard from her in nearly 7 hours since then, and she doesn't appear to have been online. Fingers crossed her battery has just died and nothing worse. I definitely want to encourage her to keep messaging me.

I've given her the emergency numbers, and hooked her up to an Uber account so if she ever finds herself lost and with no cash she has been told to not hesitate calling a car on our account. I've given her a talk about all the dangers but that was early days and possibly a bit out of context as she hadn't started going out then. Time for an update with some written back up. And I'll include the MAP info. Hadn't put that in the induction pack. My friend who got the bottling has offered to have a chat to her about the danger hotspots and location specific advice too - and show her the photos of his messed up bloody head. I haven't been out often enough to have experienced it myself as I haven't had a babysitter until now - how ironic! But I've heard and seen the stories.

Luckily she has no requirement to drive. She doesn't have a license and I just hope she's sensible enough to not get in a car with one of her new friends as speeding, seatbelt and drink driving laws here are not really enforced and even just crossing a road can be hazardous.

I didn't employ an hourly paid nanny - I've taken on an au pair and there should be a level of mutual interest in family life so I will include that in my next chat. I think I'll keep contacting her mum up my sleeve and save it for if there's absolutely no change.