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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what to do about the man in my life?

18 replies

PlumRaining · 15/07/2018 08:51

Hello,

8 years ago I met a bloke and we really hit it off. I wasn't physically attracted to him at first, but he was bright and funny and charming. After about 6 months of friendship I began to see him differently and we started a sexual relationship - probably the best I've ever had.

This relationship was on and off for 5 years. We often flirted with the idea of being more serious but I was always the one to cool it off and try to keep it at arms length.

The reason why was that we have very opposing political views - me being on the left but him being very right wing. I didn't see how a real, committed relationship would be viable - I don't know how I could stand by his side as he does or says something I totally disagree with. Let alone (should it have got that far) raise children with such differing world views.

Over the past 3 years we haven't seen each other because I moved away, but we've kept in regular contact. I've just moved back to the same city and it's very clear that all of the old sexual chemistry and friendship is still there - I can't stop thinking about him and I still fancy the pants off him.

We're both single, and I'm undecided if we should make a real go of things or not. Can a relationship work when two people don't agree on politics? I'm 29 now and the idea of a FWB situation isn't appealing to me, I'd like to be in a real relationship with a future.

IABU to think that despite our connection, this couldn't ever work? WWYD?

OP posts:

bonfireheart · 15/07/2018 09:02

Have you even tried to date other people in the last eight years?

Original poster

PlumRaining · 15/07/2018 09:09

Yeah, I have - in fact for the entire 8 years I've always been open to meeting somebody. I've dated widely and often. I even had a boyfriend at one point that I really did care about, but he left me for another woman.

OP posts:

BlueTears · 15/07/2018 09:16

I am extreme left, DH is extreme right.
I don't agree with a lot of his views but they are his views, he doesn't impose them on me and we have the odd debate. It doesn't affect us really.
I think as long as you teach children common decency and respect for other humans then they will decide what they want to believe when they are older.

Original poster

PlumRaining · 15/07/2018 09:18

That's really good to hear BlueTears, thank you.

OP posts:

FASH84 · 15/07/2018 09:24

It depends if you can agree to disagree and how extreme the views are, my aunt and her long term (12 yrs +) partner split eventually because she is very left wing and he fairly right. She's quite militant about it and can't really accept that anyone would have different views from her, it caused tension but he was fairly laid back and her rants didn't seem to faze him. But the straw that broke the camel's back was when his young adult son came out and he suddenly displayed homophobic views which impacted his son greatly. She rightly made a stand about that, she still has a great relationship with his son, he doesn't and their relationship is over.

Original poster

PlumRaining · 15/07/2018 09:34

I think the actual problem is that I'm ashamed to be associated with his actions. He's an active UKIP member and will doorstep during an election/give speeches in support of Trump etc. It's not that he thinks differently from me, it's that he actually does things I disagree with, iyswim.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 15/07/2018 09:40

I couldn't have a relationship with someone who actively campaigned for something which I was ashamed of.

HappyHedgehog247 · 15/07/2018 09:43

I’m not sure I could find someone sexually attractive if they said and did thinks I felt ashamed about or disagreed with to that extent. I suppose it depends on where you stand

Ghanagirl · 15/07/2018 09:46

A big no, not sure how you can date someone who supports the “Pussy grabber”🤮

MakeItRain · 15/07/2018 09:49

I thought initially you might be able to make a go of it. But campaigning actively for Trump puts a different light on it. I could never in a million years be with anyone who supports such a misogynistic, racist and bullying idiot.

Liskee · 15/07/2018 09:54

At first I thought it's possible, but if he's actively campaigning and doorstepping in support of something you wholly disagree with, then it's only a matter of time until that imposes on your daily life and you become resentful.

It's like those 'hobby' posts where the DHs are spending 3 days a week hobbying while DW is at home doing 85% of the housework and parenting and holding down a full time job. Bad enough when it's cycling or golfing, but if it's a political viewpoint you disagree with and he's out doorstepping in support of UKIP its going to cause major rows eventually.

Sorry, I'm a hopeless romantic and believe True Love can save everything...but even I can see this is a terrible idea

BlueTears · 15/07/2018 09:55

My DH supports UKIP, he also supports trump.
Basically we are opposites.

The difference is that he doesn't campaign, protest or try to persuade others to his beliefs, he will give his opinions strongly if asked but most people know we have different views.
His views don't speak for me.

You are the only one who can decide what your comfortable with at the end of it all.

Original poster

PlumRaining · 15/07/2018 09:58

I'm realising that I agree. He wasn't active in the first 5 years, that's all picked up since I've lived away - whilst the EU referendum was happening.

You're all right - I just can't, can I? Deep down I've always known, this thread is nailing the coffin shut for me. I've needed this.

OP posts:

californiascreaming · 15/07/2018 10:11

I read this and realised me and other half have opposing political views but to be fair neither of us are hugely passionate about it so it rarely comes up. When it does we have a respectful approach that its ok to have different views and although there is healthy banter neither of us tries to really 'convert' the other.
But I couldn't handle your scenario - the politics would enter life almost daily - I would knock it on the head and look elsewhere for a life partner...

Bibesia · 15/07/2018 10:50

I can't see how someone who supports a racist misogynist would ever be attractive sexually or in any other way.

dingdongdigeridoo · 15/07/2018 10:59

I think you can make it work if you’re on different sides of the political spectrum. I’ve dated a few Tory boys and it mostly just resulted in good natured debates and teasing.

But UKIP? That’d be a deal breaker for me. I couldn’t be with someone who voted for such a misogynistic, hypocritical twat. Too much of a risk of him also revealing himself as a woman hater over time.

Original poster

PlumRaining · 15/07/2018 11:01

I can't see how someone who supports a racist misogynist would ever be attractive sexually or in any other way.

It's actually quite easy when you've been living away for 3 years and not been exposed to it. Tainted my my memories of it not being that bad before.

But point made and very duly understood.

OP posts:

Mookatron · 15/07/2018 11:09

DH and I argue at election times as to whose party poster goes in the window, bit that's only between labour/lib Dems.

I could not be in a relationship with someone who supported UKIP. I'm not saying everyone who does is thick, but if they're not thick their brains put information together in such a different way from the way mine does a relationship could never, ever work. Sex is different of course and is sometimes improved by that clash.

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