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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Did my friend take advantage or am I over reacting

94 replies

NinjaPenguin586 · 15/07/2018 01:48

Hello, this is long winded one but I need to know if I'm being over sensitive and unreasonable or if my friend just took advantage of me.
So my young friend (more acquaintance really) recently found out she is pregnant. Her family isn't very happy about this and to try and be supportive, I said I'd take her to midwife appointments if she needed a lift, as she doesn't drive, and we live VERY rurally.
She asked me to take her to her first scan appointment the other day, which was a 45 minute drive each way. I assumed she asked me because she couldn't get there otherwise. I was happy to take her to help her out.

That morning, when I went to pick her up, she casually informed me she'd invited her best friend to come as well! Her BEST FRIEND drives and has a car and obviously had the day off work. She didn't mention anything to me at all about her friend coming until I knocked on her door to pick her up.

The main reason I'm annoyed is because by agreeing to give her a lift, I had to put my 2 year old into nursery for the full day, as I wouldn't be back in time to pick him up. That's an extra 5 hours of nursery fees I had to pay and I wasn't even offered any petrol money either as a token gesture for driving 1.5 hours (fyi, I wouldn't have accepted the money anyway but common courtesy and all that...)

I think it's so rude of her to invite her friend when she could have asked her friend for a lift in the first place.
Oh and just to add some context, I am 37 weeks pregnant and exhausted because of this heat wave. My car is a crappy run around as I can't afford anything better (it cost £300) and has no air con or sunroof and is so unbelievably physically draining to try and drive. Me and my partner struggle financially as we're not entitled to any help and My friend is from a VERY wealthy family and her best friend has a newish car and a pretty good job.
I just feel like she's been really self centered and didn't even consider how much it would cost me to take her (money holds no real value to her as she LITERALLY has daddy's credit card) or that I gave up my child free morning to help her out, when I could have done with the rest, as I'm heavily pregnant. It's like she isn't even aware of the fact it wasn't as simple as just jumping in the car for me. She made a big fuss of thanking her best friend for coming with her and almost as an after thought just said 'thanks for the lift!' as i was walking away.
Her best friend has no children or other responsibilities and she obviously had no other engagements that day.
Am I being unreasonable by thinking she should have got her best friend to take her just because I'm hot and bothered or did she take the piss?

OP posts:
MsFrizzle · 15/07/2018 01:49

You're definitely not being unreasonable. She should have asked her bloody friend to drive her.

Apileofballyhoo · 15/07/2018 01:51

Next time she asks you make it clear that you can only do it if she really can't get a lift with anyone else and explain about the childcare etc. She was very thoughtless.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 15/07/2018 01:53

Firstly,you’re v thoughtful & kind offering transport to an appt
It’s a shame you were inconvenienced &;out of pocket
I’d ask her was it a last minute change plans.tell her efforts & cost you bore

ohnothanks · 15/07/2018 01:54

So you offered to take her?? Why did you offer if you are so resentful?

Common courtersy is saying 'thstnks'

ohnothanks · 15/07/2018 01:55

Arffff! Thanks ...

condepetie · 15/07/2018 01:56

She was really unthoughtful. I would talk to her about it. Message her in some way to say how you were unhappy with the arrangement as it turned out, and how much you sacrificed to help her out.

Bizarre to invite the friend along to the free lift in the first place. How weird.

ElementalHalfLife · 15/07/2018 01:57

No. Next time she asks you say "No." None of this "only if no one else.." nonsense. This isn't thoughtlessness it's outright CFery and CFs can only get away with their CFery if we let them. No.

AntiHop · 15/07/2018 01:57

Yanbu. I wouldn't be offering any more favours.

3dogsandcounting · 15/07/2018 02:02

Very thoughtful of you to put her needs before your own, however you hit the nail on the head, she is young. Much of what you mentioned wouldn’t cross her mind. She won’t have thought about petrol or your time. I would be more assertive with her in future. It sounds like you won’t have any time to help her anyway soon.
What goes around, comes around and hopefully someone will offer you the same kindness when you need it in the future. Good luck with the end of your pregnancy.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/07/2018 02:05

YANBU.. I'm sure her best friend can ferry her around now, seeing as they get on so harmoniously together.
You've got enough on your own plate being 37 weeks pregnant and having a toddler.

thebewilderness · 15/07/2018 02:06

That was very thoughtless and inconsiderate.
You need to focus on taking good care of you now instead of taking care of others.

InionEile · 15/07/2018 02:08

Well, she is young so probably a bit thoughtless and had no idea what it's like to a.) be 37 weeks pregnant in a heat wave and b.) already have responsibilities towards another child.

With someone like that you need to make your own needs very clear to them from the outset so when she asks for a favour next time say 'Are you sure you really need my help? I can help out if you really need it but it will mean I have to pay for extra childcare for DS / pay for petrol / take time out of my day' etc etc. You can't assume someone like her will be aware of this. She probably just thought 'well, Ninja offered so she can take me... oh and BFF is around too that day, great I can take her with me for moral support'.

Bibesia · 15/07/2018 02:11

If she has Daddy's credit card, she can take a cab even if best friend isn't available. So don't offer any more lifts.

InionEile · 15/07/2018 02:12

I'm saying this because I had this experience of trying to help out a friend when I was 8 months pregnant and very tired, also in hot weather. I babysat her daughter as a favour because she had a doctors appointment (she wasn't pregnant) and picked her up from hospital when she had an accident, also cooked for her etc. I did it because I wanted to be helpful but in retrospect, I should have been less helpful because she really didn't appreciate it at all and is just a kind of take-take-take person. She has now found new mugs friends to ask for favours so I don't even respond to her pity posts on FB or endless group texts about how she has the hardest life in the world ever and so on.

Self care has to be a priority when you are 37 weeks pregnant with a toddler to take care of! I wish I had been more careful of my time when I was pregnant with a toddler to take care of.

Rainbunny · 15/07/2018 02:28

Well, given that you're heavily pregnant she could have been a bit more considerate but honestly, reading your OP, all the things you are annoyed about (basically your circumstances) are things she likely has no idea about. As obvious as it might seem to you that doing this when heavily pregnant isn't easy, not everyone (especially those who haven't had children) will realise your physical challenges, and - you offered.

She's not a mind reader, it seems very likely that she didn't realise you had to sacrifice anything to drive her and she probably thought you must have wanted to attend the scan with her as opposed to just giving her a life because you thought she was stranded otherwise.

Next time don't offer and if she asks, ask her directly if you are her only option and explain your circumstances. Don't be a martyr.

Rainbunny · 15/07/2018 02:29

ugh - lift not life!

TwoBlueShoes · 15/07/2018 02:38

Yes, she’s a CF, but it sounds like you give too much. I used to be like this too.

I don’t think you should have offered really.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/07/2018 02:38

She’s a kid. She won’t hace thought this through at all. You did a lovely thing. Her friend can take her next time as your hands will be full. You could hsve picked your up toddler early and taken them with you instead of paying extra fees. As for thanking profusely. For some reason she feels a lot more vulnerable around the bf than you.

Tigger001 · 15/07/2018 02:44

You offered to take her knowing all these inconveniences, which is very nice of you. But then don't moan because she brought a friend along who drives. Did you explain to her the inconveniences you face in order to give her a lift? My rule is don't offer to do something "nice" unless you really don't mind doing it .. It's not nice to do it and then call her for it afterwards, in my opinion. She probably didn't think through your situation and was thinking if her baby and pregnancy and as you offered she probably just thought it was fine.

Ceebs85 · 15/07/2018 03:10

Why is there always some dick who asks 'why offer if you're gonna be resentful'

OP has explained she offered as was under the impression there was no-one else and was doing a massive favour.

Yes you've been taken advantage of and yours doesn't sound like a friendship she values unfortunately. She doesn't sound like the kind of person who would have any awareness of the sacrifices you had to make to take her. Its up to you if you think explaining this would be of any value.

emmyrose2000 · 15/07/2018 03:18

Don't help her out again. Her bf or the use of daddy's credit card can do the job.

SadieHH · 15/07/2018 03:22

How young is young? I'd be furious. In fact I probably would have asked why her friend wasn't taking her. The daddy's credit card thing explains a lot, she's obviously spoilt rotten.

dailygrowl · 15/07/2018 03:46

Yes, she took the pi$$. Don't offer lifts to people if you have to put your child in nursery just to do it - the only people you do that for are your own family and maybe your best friend....and only in emergencies - not routine scan appointments!

I'd have left as soon as I saw the best friend there. For goodness' sake, the friend actually came along as though you were a minicab driver?! I wouldn't have driven them both for 5 minutes, let alone 45 minutes.

FlyingMonkeys · 15/07/2018 03:52

Umm... don't offer her a lift if you're going to moan about it then. Yes, you did her a favour. No you didn't have to offer - she may seem a cf, but why offer in the first place if shes; loaded family, best friend drives, money to burn on taxis, you're heavily pregnant...

FlyingMonkeys · 15/07/2018 04:00

@Ceebs85 OP stated they aren't even friends- yes she put herself out, but clearly from the many, many reasons she's then stated. Pregnant 'acquaintance' could have got herself to her own appointment. I think OP is milking it then stating she's; driving her clapped out 300 quid banger with omg no sun roof!, no petrol money, forking out for child care .. don't offer an effing lift then! Simple.

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