Found out my ex is a paedophile

[Bibbittybobbittyboo]

That’s it really - found out today that my first “serious” boyfriend has recently been charged with having indecent images of children on their hard drive. Images were many, some of them of the highest category and were collected over a period of many many years.

I was still at school when we met so regularly went to his house straight after school in my uniform (I wasn’t a minor). I feel absolutely disgusted by him now obviously but I keep thinking maybe I’m to blame for what he ended up doing? I know that realistically I’m not but I feel dirty and disgusted with myself that I had a sexual relationship with someone who turned out to be such a monster. The images collected were from after we had a relationship but I just worry that things were going on while we were together and I didn’t have a clue or I was too naive to see the signs.

No AIBU really but my skin is crawling just thinking about him and I’m ashamed at myself that I was such a poor judge of character.

It’s not your fault, you really mustn’t blame yourself in any way.

You have absolutely ZERO blame in this. His sickness began long before you and you're not a mind reader. I'm so sorry you learned of this. It's just suck and awful.

* I feel absolutely disgusted by him now obviously but I keep thinking maybe I’m to blame for what he ended up doing?*

^Why would you think this? Unless there is more you are not saying. Sorry but I think you are making this more about yourself which seems odd.

None of this is your fault and to be honest his actions have nothing to do with you whatsoever! Please don't feel in any way disgusted or dirty. Nothing that he did is any reflection on you

My Little sister at 14 dated a boy of the same age who while dating her abused a 5 year old girl he was babysitting 😢 it only came out a couple of years ago when my sister was at uni. Pedophillia is a serious mental issue which can’t be created by merely dressing a certain way.

My sister is lovely and funny and incredibly bright, I think I’m a good judge of character at the time I just felt sorry for him as he was having a hard time at home.

I'm with @greendale17. Why are you making this about you?

greendale I think you are being a bit harsh there.
Must have been a terrible shock and definitely one which would make you question every bit of your relationship and if there were signs but OP that’s the road to madness. You need to try to take a step back, thank your lucky stars that you are not still together and think good riddance to the scumbag and push that vile being from your thoughts.

greendale I’m certainly not making it about me but I keep thinking if there were any signs that I didn’t see or misread that could have stopped it? I worry that perhaps me turning up in my school uniform to his house made him into a monster?

I know it’s irrational but I can’t help how I feel. I’m just very glad he’s been caught now.

Bibbittybobbittyboo

"I worry that perhaps me turning up in my school uniform to his house made him into a monster?"

It's possible he was attracted to you because of the uniform but it alone would not turn him into a paedophile.

It's not your fault, lots of people have found they shared a home and were married to a paedophile and never had a clue until they were caught.

You were a teenager, not a detective specialising in sex crimes and paedophiles are really good at hiding what they are.

It's not your fault.

If predators came properly labelled none of us would fall for them. Unfortunately they are extremely skilled at deception because they practice constantly.

OP I'm so sorry. I think perhaps you are thinking that you have been abused by this man? Were you like 15 and he was 20+? I'm presuming there was an age gap because you say 'his house'. I think you need to report this to the police.

Paedophiles are some of the greatest liars and manipulators on the planet. It's how they get away with it. You were just one more person that he fooled. Just thank God it ended!

Unless you have been through something like this, you can’t say that. The mental torture is a haunting pain that stays with you day on day. You do blame yourself because there are two victims to a paedophile. 1. The minors, the true victims and 2. The family/partners, whose lives get ripped apart by their detestable behaviour. Both victims get manipulated, groomed and actioned to be a certain way. Most paedophiles are narcs. Unfortunately many people don’t come forward with what they’ve been through because of the judgement of others, like your own, so there’s less on record about how it actually feels.

But as somebody who was with someone for three years all the while police was investigating him and didn’t tell me even when I did a Claire’s law (because technically at the time there were no charges) I beat myself up every day. The way they get into your head, isolate you and change your behaviour, it makes you feel responsible for them like a carer. My social worker and support worker said to me that they act like wounded puppies to get vulnerable, caring people around their finger and then they withdraw the good traits but lean into their sob story so the good people stick around. If it wasn’t for a social worker ringing us- we would have had no idea that he was a monster and this is all too common.

So yes, there are days and times where you feel like it’s all your fault and unfortunately that’s because of the narc abuse that goes hand in hand with being a predator.

But It’s not for other people to judge us. We are victims too, a different kind of victim, but still an affected character in their deception