AIBU to ask my ex who left me, to help more with the children

[changingoftheguard]

Dp left me and me and dc aged 1 and 2 a few months ago, if you read my previous posts you will see that it wasn't all him, theres a lot to it. I'm massively to blame, we both are. No one else involved (as far as I know) etc...

Ive just gone back to work, only part time but I am struggling. I am struggling to keep on top of the house, to look after myself, my dc are loved and looked after but I'm struggling!

My family are so so supportive but they don't live close, its not too far away at all but they don't drive. I always have to go to them which is ok but everything my dc need they have at home, practical things etc...

I think hes staying at a family members who doesn't live far from where me and the dc are, a stones throw away. He comes before/after work (most of the time) so I cant knock him, hes a great dad. But I am struggling!

When he walks out the door I'm left to deal with everything and I feel angry and stressed! Its now almost 9:30 and there both still awake. My youngest is a bit of a handful.

She doesn't settle for me, constantly moans and wants holding which I do as much as I can but its not always possible. Sshe is not like this for her dad and most other people. He constantly keeps telling me I have to stop picking her up but I'm her mam, its hard, she wants me!

Ii want to be strong in all of this, its hard enough that he left us and let me heart broken so I want to be strong in all of this but most days I feel I'm crumbling, I don't want him to know that I'm finding it difficult, he didn't really lift a finger but its the having him there, to be able to go in and settle them.

What do I do??

Give yourself time to come to terms with your new change of life.
Its a massive change going from a partnership to a single mum.
You will get used to it.
The kids will take time too, you are in a transition period it will settle and become the norm.
Have you spoken about him having the children set days yet?

I always ask, is it utterly irretrievable, your relationship? Is there any thing that can be salvaged and built upon?

The only trouble with having your ex around your home to help care for the children is that it makes it harder to draw boundaries. Maybe draw up an agreement where he has the children weekends, or whenever he can over night. There's no reason a father shouldn't do that and that is your time to recharge your batteries

I wish there was but the fact that he doesn't love me anymore says it all really. I have to accept it. He broke down once and said he still loves me but has never said it since.

I'm such hard work, I have so much stuff going on myself and cant believe he stayed with for as long as he did tbh. Hes just a decent guy who wants an easy life, sometimes clueless and needs things to be spelled out for him even though its been discussed a million times, but hes a good person with a good heart.

I just feel resentful, he left, he gets to walk away, stay up until whenever he wants, doing what he wants whilst I'm comforting our dc whos ill and up most of the night when not getting in from work until late at night. I'm utterly shattered.

Fair enough that he checked out of the relationship but why does he get to walk away? I feel shame, disappointment and embarrassed for saying I need help but I cant go on like this.

If you're the one with stuff going on - would you consider letting him have the children?

Theres nowhere for them to stay. Ive thought about this but logistically there better off at home.

He work full time too. Its shift work and I want to be fair and understand that he must get tired too.

He still says things like our house, we need this/that doing and its totally confusing me. i know hes checked out but I'm finding it hard to move on as he still treats the home like his.

He pays more than his fair share so I don't want to be mean and set boundaries as he said he will pay as much as he can for as long as he can but whilst things are the way they are I'm still clinging on to hope when I know deep down there isn't any.

I'm just struggling and don't know where the bloody hell to go from here. I was feeling better at one point but the more he comes around the more I miss him then when he leaves I'm struggling!

I could have pretty much written your post except I only have 1 dc! It's so so hard! I wish we could work things out but I know that's not an option, my ex fell out of love with me too! I'm up now trying to get some housework done but I'm so tired from chasing ds around all day! He's 19 months now! I don't want my ex to know I'm struggling either!

I don't want to let my ds down either! I'm his mum and he needs me although I do feel like I'm at breaking point at times!

Could he stay late enough twice per week to put the DC to bed and stay until they asleep whilst you have a bit of evening "me" time and get an early night?

Aww I know its so hard! Please know that you aren't alone. I wish I could give you advice but I'm on here asking for it so wouldn't do much good hah.

We will get there, that's what I have to keep telling myself over and over, I will get there!

Sometimes I cant see the light, its so bloody hard. Even things that should be so simple like getting their meals/clothes/everyday things ready, seems like a chore.

I wish I could give more words of wisdom. In the grand scheme of things I know I am a lucky person, things could be so much worse but its hard to remember that when your at rock bottom and don't know where to turn

Yes he could random, I just don't like asking. I feel like I should be able to cope, and I should. It would just be nice to not just have to cope.

Totally agree, even the littlest things are hard like you said! When I try and cook he wants me, just getting ready for work in the morning is a struggle! But yes we will get there and as he gets older things will get easier!

Like you it annoys me that his dad gets to do what he likes! Go on nights out, meals etc! But I wouldn't change things! I love having my ds with me and I wouldn't have it any other way!

It sounds like he is there a lot.. Before and after work on how many days? Is he planning on getting himself a place where he can have the kids? Your posts show that there are numerous issues, all intermingled. Your emotional state, totally understandable; you're adjusting to going back to work; the children seem unsettled with a difficult pattern at bedtime. I think it would help you enormously to focus on cracking the sleep issue if you can. As a single parent, that downtime of 2-3 hours after they've gone to bed is incredibly important to me. It might seem like a side issue but if you can get them into a firm routine of dinner, bath, bed by 7 or 7.30 that will give you guaranteed time to get chores done, watch TV, cry, attend to your own needs. If you can do that then you can carve out some headspace to deal with the other issues.

It's really hard and it will take time. Whilst it's tempting yo let the ex come round as often as he likes, again I would establish a regular pattern ( can be as often as you like just set, not random) and don't let that interfere with any sleep routine you manage to put in place. Hang in there.. It will get better x

It's really hard because it helps me out when he comes and helps out with the dc but its really hard as I didn't want to break up and I'm still dealing with the heartbreak.

He pretty much comes whenever he can, no set days etc as we both work shifts so it's hard having anything set in stone.

Usually it doesn't bother me if there chatting away before they go to sleep but recently it's become a struggle to even get them to sleep at all even during the say and by th time evening comes I'm exhausted.

Even things like he can wake up and potter about when getting ready for work whilst I'm rushing to get us all sorted, drop off with childcare then on to work for nine and I know people do it every day and I have to get used to it but why is everything on me?

I didn't ask or want any of it but I'm left picking up the pieces and looking after our children.

I love my dc and couldn't imagine them not being with me but he gets to do his own thing whilst I'm struggling to hold myself together

It’s not “helping” it’s parenting and is as much his responsibility as yours. Important to progress with the separation and agree how you will co-parent separately.

What is your ideal split of parenting time?

In the near future your ex will need to live somewhere suitable for the DC to stay and have sole charge of them.

He may need to change his work pattern: plenty of fathers do.

If he’s a decent father he will want to do a fair share.

He needs to get a place where he can take the children and more formal contact can take place. (overnights and regular stuff).

Until he does can you get him on board with doing useful stuff while he's there and not just fun stuff with the kids? He could stay and do bedtime (if he's there after work anyway) while you get on with whatever it is that you want to get done?

But ultimately he needs to get his finger out and get a flat or something and you cabs gate the grunt work a bit more.

I agree, he needs to get a place and have the kids there. It will be confusing for the kids if he continues coming to yours to see them. It sounds like he is capable and willing to have them overnight.

It’s not “helping” it’s parenting and is as much his responsibility as yours.

100% spot on. Their his kids and it shouldn't be all on you.

Can he take them out on his own when he's not working?

You need a break from them. Two kids at that age us hard work.