To be convinced nobody gives a F about me

[Boredwithlife0]

I seem to have nobody I can turn to.

My mother was a complete narcissist, hated any successes I ever had (because it should have been my ‘angelic’ brother not me) and we went NC after she picked a fight whilst I was heavily pregnant.

I’m the breadwinner at home, going through a lot of stress, overtime and saving up for Disney next year which DH decided would be good for us. Not my cup of tea but he wants to convert me.

DH is on crutches for 3m+, no driving and barely lifting a finger at home cos it’s all too difficult to manage - until I tell him that being on crutches doesn’t prevent him planning the odd meal, writing a shopping list, putting DD snacks together for school. He gets all the lie ins whilst I’m anxious and waking at 6.20 every morning through stress.

The few friends I had have disappeared. I’ve been actively trying to keep in touch, always me sending the first text, trying to set up play dates and generally being interested in people, but then they go quiet and disappear from the planet. Now four weeks since I last spoke to a friend and realising they just don’t give a hoot about me.

The ILs help maybe twice a year with childcare, so it’s the three of us week in week out getting on each other’s nerves. I’m tired of this routine and having no support. I can’t seek new friendships whilst I’m being breadwinner, taxi service, cleaner and cook, and constantly frustrated that I have nobody to back me up, share a moan or a good night out with. Worried that I’m getting depressed and edging towards a drink 2-3 times a week to pick myself up.

Does anyone else feel like this?

Not really I shout at DP rather than drink. But yes always stressed

Is your DP ill or lazy?

Do you have friends at work ?

I work in a small team and find that anyone I even mildly have anything in common with is already in a good bunch of long-standing friends and not wanting to add a billy-no-mates. I have nothing to bring to the party

Well this just shows that nobody is interested

I give up

TBF its Saturday night and most people are doing stuff. Im alone its DHs birthday who passed away in April noone except the kids have spoke to me . You are only getting saddos on here now so try again tomorrow

You can change your situation if you try to change your expectations of your husband, try to give back some of the responsibilities back to him to try to free up some time to allow you to do something for yourself. Even if he resists try again. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to do everything for everyone and nothing for you. Clear up some time to do something you’d like to do. Good luck, I really hope it works for yo, you are feeling like lots of people do, you are not alone.

@dopeydazy I'll talk to you :)

OP I feel exactly the same. I was always the one texting and arranging and one day I just stopped. None of my 'friends' apart from one have even sent me a meme let alone a proper text or call. And the one that has is only because she wanted a lift to the doctors the other day. I'm self employed so i don't even have work friends as such.

I even stopped texting my husband to see how long it would be before he ever struck up a conversation during the day. 8 weeks now

I may know how you feel. I moved to a new city a few years ago. I was the breadwinner until recently. My job is stressful and I can't face organising meeting up with people, I always feel I should be working. My husband is depressed but won't seek help. I've been telling him for months/years that I miss having conversations, he doesn't get it. My colleagues are kind but I wouldn't describe any of them as my friend, I think there is maybe one person who will come and see me for a chat. I have a wonderful DD who is a definite mummy's girl. My husband has a short-temper with her so I prefer not to leave them alone which means I don't have time to do what I would like to like exercise.

Alpha Bravo im dont help myself I went back to work cleaning toilets in a shopping centre its not a very satisfying job but tops up the pension at 67 and gives me something to do . I'm lucky that im not broke and ive got a roof over my head although my immediate neighbours are a bit dickish. Longest conversation today

DopeyDazy from me too.

OP, you don't say how old your DC are. If you want friends/contact, then you need to put your pride to one side and just exploit the contacts you do have and hope the friendships follow. And as a PP said, speak to your DH, and keep talking to him. Things don't just 'happen', you have to work on them. Good luck. x.

Yes, there’s so much I’d like to do but I’ve no time and nobody to share it with. I enjoyed a foreign language lesson each week until DD started school. I loved getting together with that small group of people but I had to drop it after two years because I couldn’t fit in the study on top of family life. They were all retired, part-time, or younger and without children and although they were great they had more time to spare and made their own little friendships. I find that a lot with people I meet. I feel I’m always suggesting we catch up with a coffee but they never get round to checking their diaries. So I go back to the housework yet again.

I’ve spent much of Saturday night in front of the laptop due to a big deadline, whilst DH and DD watch a film, now DD has gone to bed and DH has seemingly disappeared upstairs too, leaving me to tidy, lock up, put washing on etc etc.

Me I feel like this quite often

DC is 7 and one of only 6 girls in her class. I’ve tried striking up friendships with mums in other classes but it’s the same story. Head and brick wall.

As for DH, we’ve spoken about it many times but it reverts to the default position within a week and then we have to have another big scene before he’ll chip in again. Same as many blokes. I’m the difficult one for a making a big argument about it, although we wouldn’t be arguing if he pulled his weight.

It is one of life's ugly truths that other people generally do not care. Of course people love you, but most people are too wrapped up in their own lives, their own worries, their own careers, their own stresses to concern themselves with someone else's.
Ultimately, we are alone.

I could have written your first post. Life is relentless.

Sorry op, i see alot of these threads and i can guarantee u are certainly not alone feeling like this 🏵🏵

No you are definitely not the only one. Life is full on as a parent and work. Lots of people seem to stick to friends they've had forever. It's effortful to strike up new friendships - especially if they don't lead anywhere. I've noticed that the easiest thing to do is to be the organizer. Organize a work social - lunch is best. Don't expect anything, just make connections. Do the same for the year 3(?) mums. Offer to organize the venue and sort the date. Organize a year 3 FB group if there isn't one already. Making contact about school life is a start. Sharing stuff, parenting, frustrations about school communications and expectations. TBH these things create new acquaintances that can lead to friendships. If no one can make the mums night out, find another date. The start of a school year is a good time to start. Good luck

Hi OP. It's tough isn't it.

I think lots of people feel the same way.

You sound like a lovely person, just going through a tough time

One suggestion that I have found as a good way to forge connections is through exercise. I walk regularly with a friend and it's something that people often want to do but can't get motivated to do unless they have a buddy. Would park run interest you ? Or maybe if you out it out there that you want to get fitter and get a positive response from someone that they want to as well you can suggest doing something together.

Does your DH normally work? I'd be really clear with him. Tell him you feel overwhelmed, like you are drowning. Say you want to sit down together and draw up a list of jobs and then allocate them. Then stick to that. Obviously he is a bit limited by the crutches for the moment. Could you get a cleaner in on a temporary basis until he is back in his feet. Would a regular date night help you feel more connected?

And the other thing I would do is find some things that you do alone that bring you joy. It could be as simple as being the first one up in the morning and enjoying a peaceful cup of tea. It could be finding a pod cast that you listen to on the way to work. Mine include finding new recipes to try because I love to cook, yoga and reading. I find getting joy and happiness from other sources rather than just friends can be a way to encourage joy and happiness from friends.

I would not bother about your mum, it's sad but it doesn't sound like she adds much to your life. Focus on working on things that do.

Sending hugs to you, OP.

I completely understand what you mean about everyone else already having a set of longstanding friends. Every friend I have has their main group of 'besties' who are their priority. I don't have that as we moved house when I was 13, so I left all my childhood friends behind and started at secondary school in year 8 where, surprise surprise, everyone else had their groups of longstanding friends and no time for a newcomer.

Are you this impatient with people in real life? Could it be that you need to lower your expectations of people?

Thank you. There are some lovely comments and suggestions here. I really haven’t taken time to look after myself - I’d love to do yoga, or pursue another interest which could lead to new friendships but I’ve been so busy and always prioritised work or the household because they’re on the necessary list rather than desireable list.

It really helps to know others have been feeling like this, although it is sad for every one of us.

Hi again OP. I’ve been thinking of you and I’m glad you’re feeling more positive

One thing I didn’t say in my first post was that it does get easier to pursue your own interests as your kids get older. You can leave them at home alone, they don’t surface on the weekend till 10ish etc
Hope things improve for you soon