Letting my DD make her own mind up about mean girls

[Rosie342]

My DD has very recently been allowed to go play unsupervised with a group of friends. Two of these friends are the reason I let her as they came calling for her and I felt I couldn't make her the only friend who was trapped inside. Things were going well, DD very excited to call on her friends and play and they would all play nicely round each other's houses or on our street.
Today I told DD to be home for 6, made sure she was where she said she was and that she had her watch and GPS tracker in her pocket just incase. Half an hour later she came home, quite upset. The two other girls she had been playing with had gone to have a "secret conversation" inside one of their houses and never came back out. DD decided to just come home.
I'm sad for her, she's a very lovely girl who will be friends with anyone and doesnt leave other children out.
AIBU to let her go call on these girls again, let her learn about cliquey behaviour through experience knowing how horrible it can be.
I want to tell the other girls mother's as I know them but don't want DD rejected any more.
I just feel so sad for her, especially since her very best friend lives at the other end of the village so she can't call on her.

How old are they?

To be honest, I would be tempted to just let it slide for now, and just advise DD how to rise above it etc.

It isn't nice but we can't always keep influencing their friendships. There comes a point when, hard as it is, they end up having to learn about this sort of thing.

I am of the camp that says be there for them and advise, but not take a part as it usually doesn't help.

They're nearly 8, only allowed to each other houses and around the street no further. I was thinking of letting it just slide. I've told DD that I thought it was mean but if she wants to call on them again she can go for it. I said if they behave like that again to just come home and we can see if anyone else on the street wants to play. I hate the idea of her being left out especially during the summer hols

It's horrible, kids can be vile and I feel for you as a mum, as well as her.

If it were me, I'd encourage her to speak up and ask them why they did that, in a non confrontational way, if she wants to, of course.

She's doesn't want to confront them, she's said if they do it again she won't play with them any more.
One of the the girls frequently wants to come play at the house and is lovely when she is here. I know they can prefer one friend over another but this just seemed to mean spirited.
I think I'm more upset than my DD

Sadly the dynamic of 2 is company and 3 is a crowd is very prevalent at that age.

Hope your DD feels better soon.

Oh no how mean, if she does not want confront them, to give them one more chance, if they do that again, that she should tell them that she does not want to play with them anymore as they are not nice.

Kids can be so horrible, your poor DD
3 does tend to be a shit dynamic unfortunately, she'll suss them out soon enough I would imagine.

I think she's just upset because she was the one to call on them this time and they've ditched her. Kids are cruel. She's going to try different friends tomorrow from our street. Luckily we are quite a long street in a small village so most of the kids live round here.

Yes let her make her own mind up OP but listen and be there to support her. This sort of behaviour is very common in junior school (both in the playground and if they play out) and it gets worse before it gets better. So be prepared for a bumpy ride for you and DD. I wouldn’t speak to the girls mums directly as the mums won’t like it and the girls may tease your DD and make it worse for her with mum fighting her battles.
My DD went through this mean behaviour too it peaks but changes in year 5, year 6, year 7 and 8. DD just leaving year 8 think it’s quietened down but she has gone through it and had a hard time.
The annoying thing is all the other girls in School gravitate towards the mean girls so they end up popular and are rewarded by others for their mean behaviour which is awful.

Let her go if she wants to and have fun as long as she’s safe (which you are doing) but teach her resilience, self belief and to be confident and make sure she has a variety of friends and interests within and outside of school.
Also 8 is quiet young to be playing out depending where you live I think DD was 9 1/2 almost 10. So as well as playing out I would try to invest some time in some nice Mum and daughter time. One so she isn’t always available and also they grow up so very fast once they get to Secondary and it’s nice to have a close relationship.

My daughter had similar with her best friend at that age. Thankfully she went to a different high school and has now made some lovely friends. It's very hard but sometimes they have to get there by themselves. (Not that I didn't want to knock the "best friend" out obvs)

Yes that the hard part I had to force myself not to go round especially when three of DD’s friends were dreadful to her midway through year 7. Ironically it started on her birthday at our house right under our noses then got worse and worse.

@smellynelly2018 she's only on our street with the kids on our street. We all know each other here and no one who lives here tends to come this way. There is little traffic and she's not allowed to go anywhere without telling me first. My own parents and DHs parents live here too so she's safe. I wouldn't let her out had her friends not called for her really but she's ok and never alone.

Who doesn't live here even!