Clearing the house of someone who died

[Zippyitdoodar]

Aibu to think you could at least wait until till after the funeral to clear the house of a person who's died?
A very close friend died a few weeks ago his neighbours who've inherited his house were straight in there, giving his stuff to their family & clearing it.
They were telling me what a difficult job it was at his funeral. I was a bit

Tell me I'm wrong & perhaps I'm being over sensitive but I found it very sad & I don't reàly know why.

My cousin had just two weeks to clear my aunt's council house after she died. It was brutal. I felt so sorry for her.

bluelady you’re right - it is brutal :(

If they are anything like friends of my parents, they have been waiting a long time for him to shuffle off and get their hands on the money...

When my mum died 10 years ago, my dad and I cleared her things out to either donate to charity or dispose. For ages after I had a recurring vivid dream that it was all a mistake,she wasn't dead and she was distressed that we'd got rid of her clothes and her personal possessions. The dream kept recurring for quite a while and it upset me. I never mentioned it to my dad though

Sometimes when you're grieving it's easier to focus on the practicalities. If they were close enough to him to be left his home, they must have been pretty close. It might just be easier for them, emotionally, to focus on clearing the house.

If it’s a council house it is quite brutal. A friends had the two weeks to clear out the council house her mum had lived in for 42 years while organising the funeral.

When a relative died few years ago we cleared out his house straight away. To be honest it was the mor practical time to do it because we all had time off work immediately after the death before the funeral. It was actually rather nice going through all the stuff and unearthing a lot of memories. The three of us that did it had some laughs and tears while doing it.

My dad wanted my mums things cleared asap. We did it the day after she died.

Do you think your reaction to their behaviour may be related to the fact your very close friend left his house to them?

The British often take ages to do a funeral though. Waiting a week seems reasonable but no more than that. As PP have pointed out rotting food. They may have also needed to go through us papers to inform various insurers etc. and decided to just keep going.

When my mum died, I could have cleared her place if I'd started straight away, but I needed help to do it (disabled) and dh refused. I had to wait for nearly 2 years before he was able to help and then I'd lost the will and found it very very hard. I had the same problem when my bro died. There's atill stuff (from both of them) I haven't gone through properly and simply can't face it now. It's been a few years. I don't want dh to help as he just chucks everything without a second thought "no, you don't want that, you don't want that, you don't want that......". Sometimes I actually do!

Yes, I agree about council houses.

An elderly relative fell ill while visiting family and they cleared out her home before she'd even died. I was shocked.

She died on the Friday the keys was handed back to the council by Monday morning. Absolutely awful

Perhaps they could t afford to pay the rent to keep it on for longer.

I have been in this position. My MIL died. She has housing benefit, but that stops they day someone dies. The HA then expected myself and my H to pay the rent for as long as we needed it to clear it out.

We were struggling to pay our own rent at the time!

When my dad passed I was in the house the next day or so, spent a few months working my way through all his stuff (he had hoarded quite a lot over the years). The funeral, and sorting out the finances and clearing out the house are separate milestones to get through. Everything thrown away had to be sorted; paper and cardboard, biodegradable waste, plastic packaging, metal, hazardous waste etc. etc. In the end you become quite factual about it, dealing items into different cardboard storage boxes the way you would deal a deck of cards, each box destined for one type of waste (cardboard, metal, electronics, biodegradable, etc.)

YABU. It's a horrible job but essential, and people tackling it need sympathy. Not everyone's in it for the secondhand egg cups, you know.

Both sets of my DGP had their houses cleared when they were sold for care fees - they had years to live yet, and it was awful. The contents had to be sold to pay the council, too.

A funeral in the UK takes longer than 3-4 days from the date of death. Crematoriums are busy. Both of the recent funerals I've organised took longer than three weeks. One was a burial and the church wasn't available until 5 weeks after death.

But op, it does seems quick. But people are different. I'm sorry for your loss

I was living at the opposite end of the county and only had a week's leave so it was necessary to do as much as possible as I couldn't just pop in.

It's a strange hiatus, post-death-pre-funeral, that it was good to be doing something rather than sitting alone in the painfully parentless, empty, parental house.

Don't judge others for this, they have to do what they have to get done.

@dryheave spot on it should have all been mine! Or it could be the fact that I found it very hard to watch them throwing his treasured possessions into a skip within 2 mins of his death.

Having read all the comments I can see there is no right or wrong in this situation.

I will take my judgy pants off now.

I started before my mum died. It's a grim job, I went for the sticking plaster. If I'd given myself time to actually 'feel' I still be sitting in a house full of things I have no use for. Sorry for your loss OP

Sticking plaster approach

When I'm 50, I'm hoping to start Döstädning (Swedish death cleaning) which is a way for people to declutter and purge their homes and organise their belongings so that our loved ones left behind won't have to go through the huge task of clearing out these things, wondering what should be kept, what should be donated, what we would like to pass on, etc

I hope that when I pass on, my children will spend only a few hours clearing out my house.

DryHeave

That's harsh and unnecessary. Not everyone is just out for what they can get. OP said she just found it very sad.

We cleared my Mum's stuff (most of it going to her favourite charity shop) in the (almost 2 weeks) gap between her death and the funeral. My Dad couldn't bear to have it around him in the house (I know some people want to keep their loved one's things, but everyone's different) and it gave my brother and me something to do. We also decorated a big part of the house for Dad.

I can't comment objectively on this - but the neighbours would seem to me to be a bit previous.

Yeah you do sound a bit defensive and judgey. I also wondered if the issue was he was your very good friend yet he left his estate to them. It's really unpleasant to say they were throwing his treasured possessions in a skip 2 mins after he died. That's horrible. And I'm sure blatantly untrue.

If you've never had to do this, and I have, twice, then don't judge. It's an awful task, simply awful, going through someone's private and personal stuff. Their underwear, their photographs, their clothes, their paperwork, it's awful.

You do it when you can and you really do just need to get the job done. It's very hard to know what to do with everything and it can be overwhelming. For mine, yes, it was after the funeral, but ultimately it could easily have been before hand. It's simply an awful job.

So I suggest you stop being unpleasant about them. They did what wasn't an easy job, they are not vultures or disrespectful they did what had to be done.

insideoutsider

When I'm 50, I'm hoping to start Döstädning (Swedish death cleaning) which is a way for people to declutter and purge their homes and organise their belongings so that our loved ones left behind won't have to go through the huge task of clearing out these things, wondering what should be kept, what should be donated, what we would like to pass on, etc

I hope that when I pass on, my children will spend only a few hours clearing out my house.

That's a bit young for it, if you don't mind me saying! You could have quite a few decades left at 50!

My dad cleared away my mums things quickly after her sudden death, although I know he agonised over it. Seeing her coat and shoes in the hall broke his heart but he felt like removing them would be the start of erasing her from his life. I don't think there's a right answer, these things have to be done.